The Retread Parent- Both Sides, Now

Who's that lady?

2012-02-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

No, that's not a photo of me. That was my paternal grandmother. The little girl in the back is one of my favorite cousins.

I've heard about Grandma's flaws from far and wide. She was certainly no saint!

I won't go into her very bad ways, but will remark on her culinary skills. She didn't have many. In later years, she was one of the biggest believers in the microwave oven. She liked to get out a lot, and didn't let emphysema slow her down; in fact, she strapped her oxygen tank into the front passenger seat before she lost her license. She did like to keep up her personal appearance, and I was one of the recipients of her almost-empty nail polish bottles. She knitted and crocheted for her grandchildren, especially ponchos in the 1960s and 70s. She loved Zane Grey novels. I tried to get into them, but never could. When Grandma died, her eldest daughter stuck a packet of Juicy Fruit, Grandma's favorite gum which she constantly chewed, in Grandma's pocket before she was buried.

My younger cousins assure me Grandma really turned out to be a fabulous grandmother to them. I wish she had more time when we were little. At the time I was growing up, Grandma had 27 grandchildren, and only 11 lived in any proximity of her (when she died, she had 31 grandchildren, 30 here on Earth and one to meet her in Heaven). We did share correspondence when she was placed in a care facility. I treasure those letters.

It should also be noted that, for all the poor choices she made throughout her life, Grandma helped raise three of her grandchildren. One of my aunts was not always there for her kids, often for months at a time. Grandma took up the slack for Auntie. For that alone, Grandma deserves merit in my book.

Grandma's face is going to be my profile photo for awhile.

Good advice!

2012-01-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

From Abba's Little Girl blog, food for thought for all parents with problems with adult children:

http://abbaslittlegirl.blogspot.com/2012/01/let-go.html

REVIEW: How to Have a New Teenager by Friday

2012-01-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

When my older kids were small, I stumbled on a book called How To Make Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours. The author, Kevin Lehman, touted the theory of Reality Discipline, or as he put it, "Pulling the rug out from the little buzzards." It was extremely helpful in the raising of Madame and the Boy, especially when I was parenting solo.

Over the years, Dr. Lehman and I haven't always agreed. We most certainly don't agree on homeschooling, that's for sure! Fortunately, Dr. Lehman is not one to force his advice on others; in fact, he states in several of his books that if one doesn't agree with him, to go as far as ripping out the offending pages.

With those caveats in mind, Dr. Lehman has recently (4 months ago or so) published a new book called Have a New Teenager by Friday. Dr. Lehman, having been a slacker teen before slacker was cool, has also raised five (count 'em) children, and one is still at home. By and large, it offers a great deal of practical advice for dealing with teens.

This is where the good doctor (psychologist, not MD or psychiatrist) and I don't agree in his most recent book:

I think children need to be paid for chores, and face the consequences of not being paid. Most of you already know I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey and Phil Lenahan (Dave is more entertaining, doesn't believe in obtaining credit excepting the mortgage, is dead-set against whole life insurance, but isn't Catholic). I am all for turning over the portion of the family budget to older kids and teens to plan their purchases such as clothes and other necessities for the year, but I am NOT a fan of the allowance. Dr. Lehman is. Get sufficient information, know your teen's strengths and weaknesses, and proceed accordingly. Belle is getting her portion of the clothing budget and doing quite well with it, by the way. It's also not a stretch to let kids handle some of the bills from the family budget, by looking them over for mistakes, and allowing them to log into ebanking to pay said bills from the family checking account.
He seems to like to blame the parental figure for the behavior of the teen. This seems to conflict with Reality Discipline, or for that matter, the free will choices adolescents exhibit. Dr. Lehman does mention parents who have done everything right, yet the teen or adult child has free will that allows them to be stupid and make horrible choices.
Dr. Lehman's section in the back of the book called "Ask Dr. Lehman" has a section on pregnancy. I agree strongly that babies should not be aborted, and that babies of young teens should be adopted into loving homes with two mature parents, a mom and a dad. I think it's nice that some families actually consult a psychologist, pastor or other Christian person when this reality occurs. Obviously, Dr. Lehman doesn't realize that if a third-party counselor is used at all to discuss a teen pregnancy in the United States, it's too often a school counselor, and too many of them aren't up to the task, certainly not from a Christian perspective. The choice is usually left up to the mother, not the grandparents, not the father. The teen mother is supplied then with a myriad of information on collecting various forms of welfare and free medical care. Older teens and young adults need to decide what to do about that, but they aren't so close to the child years. Dr. Lehman doesn't go into detail on what to do when a young teen decides, against the pleadings of her boyfriend and parents, to keep her baby, then more or less abandons said baby. He certainly doesn't go into what to do when an adult child attempts to kill her own children, no longer babies; or beats them; or as if often the case, neglects and abandons them in favor of sex, drugs and alcohol, forgetting everything they learned at home in their growing-up years. I certainly hope he wouldn't recommend allowing those grandchildren to go off to foster care because Grandma and Grandpa already raised their children as a form of reality discipline! I don't know. But it is a book about teens and parents, not adult children and parents. Perhaps Dr. Lehman will favor us with a book about grandparents who raise grandchildren. While we wait, don't read this and look upon it as an indictment of grandparents raising grandchildren if you are in that situation on either side.
Dr. Lehman warns parents of divorce NEVER to mention anything bad about the ex- EVER. While I think fixating upon and harping about the ex, and in this case, the parent(s) of the grandchildren, is a very, very bad idea- Sometimes it needs to be said. Not all the time. Not constant harping. But if the kid comes to a conclusion, if the adult child is skipping massive amounts of visitation or not visiting at all, if Lulabelle sends one kid enough toys for a day care center and a pack of Uno cards to the other, then yes, I think it's OK to say something. I think times have changed from the 80 and 90s where custodial parents were told by experts NEVER to say anything bad about the Absent One, to the point where care takers were told to buy presents for the kids and put the Absent One's name on them!

Now then, there is a LOT on which I do agree. I certainly agree that parents, whether retread or first-run, get in the habit of seeing their children as children, and don't tend to notice that they need to be treated differently at different ages.

I agree teens need to be trusted whenever possible, need to be caught doing good instead of constantly nagged, need much more freedom than their younger siblings, and need a strong foundation in good morals and habits that will see them into adulthood. I know the hormone group, as he refers to teens, has trouble seeing the forest for the trees, see every little imperfection in themselves, and therefore everything in their lives is magnified.

I was certainly thrilled with the idea that if one is going to turn a teen loose on the road with a car, then one better trust that teen! I've known too many kids who expect to receive their own set of keys at 16, when they are nowhere near ready to drive. I also know too many parents who feel it is a must to give a kid a car. I was also pleased to see a tip I figured out long ago: Hire a driving school if at all possible, instead of taking your teen out to drive. Saves nerves, saves lives.

The section on the Internet and social networking is certainly worth a perusal. One segment of Society would have us believe social networking is the work of the devil, while others would have us believe teens should have access to everything and anything. Dr. Lehman has a balanced approach that makes sense.

Retread parents of all persuasions would benefit from reading Have a New Teenager by Friday. My advice on this advice book is to check it out of the library first. If you find yourself with the desire to break out the highlighter on the library's property, by all means, get yourself your own copy, paper or Kindle. If you disagree more than agree with the book, take it back to the library. You're then not out the $12 that you could use someplace else.

Frugalities, Frugalities

2012-01-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

My little piece on Extreme Cheapskates triggered the imaginations of several quieter readers. I have a couple tips of my own to add. When retread parenting, every penny helps! These are little frugalities that won't hurt and could help, although on some of them might have people looking at you twice:

HOMEMADE SOUP. Kate is a big supporter of homemade soup. She shops the close-out rack in the produce department of several of her local supermarket. She also is not afraid to ask for soup bones from the butchers in these stores, rather than pay for them. Kate keeps a plastic container in her fridge for leftovers that might work in a soup.
SPEAKING OF THE CLOSE-OUT PRODUCE CART...If you are not squeamish about bruises and bumps on vegetables and fruit, the close-out produce cart is great for fruit salads, fruit for school lunches, veggie snacks and smoothies. Bananas, berries, even peeled oranges freeze well, as do onions, bell peppers and a host of other vegetables and fruits.
CHEESE AND LUNCHMEAT ENDS. Linda suggests asking at the deli counter if your local supermarket sells the ends of cheese and lunchmeat (deli meat) logs. Aside from making great school lunches and afterschool snacks, both can be used in casseroles, on homemade pizzas, etc.
THE BREAD THRIFT STORE. Shirley swears by her local bread thrift store. I say it all depends on the thrift store in question. I live near an IBC Hosstess/ Wonder Bread thrift store, and the prices are great, currently 59 cents a loaf for complete close-out, $1.09 for the fancy "nutritious" breads, and 45 cents for a Zinger or Ding Dong pack. I used to go to a Sara Lee/ Market Day thrift store, and the results were hit-or-miss on savings. There was also a Pepperidge Farm Outlet that was cheaper than Pepperidge Farm in regular stores, but not all that cheap in the long run. But it's certainly worth a look.
LEFTOVER BREAD. Shirley turns hers into bread crumbs, dried and fresh, or bread pudding.
SUN DISHWASHING DETERGENT. I've been saving coupons and trying to get Finish and Cascade as close as I can for free. Cascade's coupons are miniscule, at 25 cents to 50 cents in an area that doesn't double coupons consistently. Finish coupons are better at 75 cents to $1, but Finish also costs more. I was walking through the local Dollar Tree, and decided to try a box of dry Sun at $1 for a 26.5 ounce box, making the cost about 5 cents a load. IT WORKS WELL. The Sun Gel doesn't work well at all, and is very watery, but the powder does just as well as Cascade or Finish.
RECYCLE FOIL. Foil is a lot more sturdy than plastic wrap. Foil is washable, dry-able and folds nicely to store it. I would avoid using foil that has seen previous use on frozen, raw meat, but uses such as bread, cookies, etc.- well, it's no big deal.
DRIED BEANS. They aren't just northern, pinto and kidney! Sheila likes small red and Jacob's cattle beans. Garbanzo beans can be soaked, cooked and turned into hummus. Black beans give food a dash of exotic flavor. Boston baked, in chili, in soup, they add protein and are cheap. Yes, they take work, but not that much. If you haven't cooked dried beans in quite awhile, look on the Internet for modern, shorter cooking methods.
BAG 'O BACON. The brand name at Walmart is Wright Seasoning Ends and Pieces. The flavor is just as good as Wright regular bacon. You might have to slice some of the slices down, and make them more regular to fit into the skillet. But if you like bacon, this is the way to save money on it while still enjoying a good brand.
ROASTS, WHOLE CHICKENS, TURKEYS AND HAMS. Margo and I both wait for big sales on roasts, whole chickens, turkeys and hams. Big sales for turkeys, hams and certain beef and pork roasts come during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Roasts that can be cut into steaks and whole chickens also go on sale before Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. There is no reason these can't be frozen and kept all year round. Buy only what you'll use within the specs of the USDA if you are afraid your meat will spoil, and be sure you wrap it well to guard against freezer burn. You'll find big cuts of meat on sale don't mean just a Sunday roast. Leftovers make great lunch sandwiches, casseroles, hashes and snacks. Bones can be used for stocks and broths for soups and gravies.
THE JULY SCHOOL SUPPLY STEAL. In July, stores compete for your back-to-school dollar. You might not think about buying ALL your school supplies for the year in July, but Sheila, Shirley, Becky and I all buy them then. In the case of younger children, most schools put out a supply list in May, then send it to the stores again in July, where the lists are placed on a carousel display by school and grade. Last year, Walmart offered crayons for 15 cents, 50 cent scissors and rulers, dollar compasses and calculators, 15 cent folders and notebooks. Don't think it's limited to the little ones. While older kids might not know exactly what they need for high school classes, it stands to reason that taking certain classes will require certain equipment. Walmart, Best Buy, Target and others offer programmable calculators, flash drives, memory cards, printer ink and more tech necessities (and they are today's necessities!) at deep discounts in July. Buy it in July, and the odds are good you will save at least $100 over buying it when your kid runs out.
THE SAVING JAR. If there is an activity, charity or desire that you want as a family, consider the saving jar. Sit the kids down and talk about the reason for the jar. Set a goal and allow all hands to contribute to the jar. When the goal is reached, it's time to set a date for the activity or purchase, or to celebrate goal for charity. You'd be surprised at how even small children will scour the house and yard for coins, and it all adds up. Just be careful, if you collect on some bad habit. It could result in children who think it's fun to swear or not clean in favor of putting money in the saving jar!

Think of your own ways of saving, and don't be afraid to share them with me.

How far IS too far when it comes to saving money?

2012-01-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

Grandparents raising grandchildren usually need to save money. If it's not something the kids need, it's court and attorney fees, car repairs, or something else. Most will do whatever they can to stretch those dollars for a good cause: Make bagged lunches, even sign up the grandkids for free or reduced lunches. Recycle for money. Sew clothes, sofa covers, pillows, quilts. Shop at the dollar store. Shop at the thrift store. Cook instead of going out. Find free leisure activities.

But when I recently watched Extreme Cheapskates, even I was a bit blown away at the lengths some people will go to save a penny! The tales of four people who are considered cheapskates for good reason and their activities surprised me.

The alleged cheapskate who surprised me the least was Jordan, the last individual presented in the hour broadcast. Jordan simply uses a method of exchange called barter. Barter has existed since the beginning of Time, and while Jordan barters to an extreme (hence the name of the reality show), he does no more in bartering than those of us who try to get a good deal for cash. I wish I could find more bartering opportunities, but being older, perhaps I'm not as good at seeking them as I used to be. I would have never thought to use my ability to recite poetry to get a doughnut, or vocal ability in exchange for bakery goods for an engagement party (not that it would be much of a bargain in my case), or cleaning up a salon for a free haircut. Jordan did. Personally, I feel Jordan deserves a hearty WELL DONE.

I also have no problem with Angela, her foraging for salad, and her going to the expired food close-out store. Angela and her husband wanted to eliminate credit card debt, an admirable goal.

When my older children were small, I belonged to a baby-sitting co-op. I recommend Big Lots and Dollar Tree, and if I lived near a store that sold expired food, I'd so be there! There was one in my husband's hometown, and my late mother-in-law made frequent use of it. Provided unknown pesticides aren't being used and one has a knowledge of plant life, which Angela does, I see no problem with foraging for salad. Little kids all over the world have re-used each other's bath water.

I do have a bit of a problem with rags cut to fit for toilet paper. It's a prejudice, I know. I used facecloths on the bum of my youngest as a baby, and cloth diapers. I don't know if I could handle washing adult feces off toilet rags. Call me prejudiced, but I would rather coupon and wait on sales for toilet paper, so I could combine the two, getting t.p. for almost nothing. I think I would revert to using newspapers and magazines as toilet paper before I would use cloth. But that's me.

That leaves us Roy (first individual) and Jeff. I didn't like either one of them. They lacked the character trait of generosity, despite Roy's work with abandoned large dogs. There was no real goal with either of them, and they seemed to be purposely conniving and well, cheap. In a bad way. They seemed to want something for nothing, and to be praised for it. Not good!

Jeff (third individual) is simply an old hippie. I have to wonder if he learned to scrounge being homeless at one point. He made it clear he hates to work, and his goal (small as it was) consisted of saving enough so as not to work. He had a goal. Good! He's achieved his goal and is happy enough, and his wife appears to work, so she is fine with it. Go Jeff. Rah. Go ahead and scrounge, spend your days riding your bike around the few phone booths left in the US. He makes a great househusband, and isn't hurting anybody. I did like his "soap on a rope" with pantyhose, though.

It's my opinion that Roy thinks he's cute and clever, and his wife does too, in spite of her protestations. The whole segment seemed phoney and rehearsed. If he'd come over to my table begging scraps, he might have gotten them- on his head.

If he wants to hang his used paper towels on a line, and beg ketchup packs to refill his ketchup bottle, fine. I often wonder what to do with the piles of Taco Bell sauce packets I get, most notably the too many I received recently for a $12 order. I just put them in a drawer and drag them out when I get low on ketchup or taco sauce. Dump them into a bottle? Why? Is somebody going to come to my house and be bothered with using a packet?

Roy could have done better in the gift department for his 25th wedding anniversary, but he didn't even try. There are many, many frugal people out there who are still generous. What Roy gave his wife wasn't generous. It was rude and mocked their marriage. He could have cooked an elegant supper at home, dressed it up, and not spent a penny beyond their budget. He could have made his wife a card, heartfelt and sincere. He didn't have to bring the teapot to her in a plastic bag, and there were other ways to recycle the roses. But no. For the camera, he had to play the jerk.

If Roy was not actually playing to the camera, he doesn't care what I think about him. This is probably the best thing about him, and the best money-saving tip to come from the whole show: The less one cares about what people think, the more one is going to be willing to try extreme ways to save money. That might be a good, self-reliant trait. That also might be pure nutso.

I recycle foil that hasn't been used for wrapping meat. I make everybody squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube, and I then cut it to get the last of it. I cook roasts, which I then use as lunch meat during the week. I gave up a long time ago on buying furniture brand new, and if I can find good quality at Big Lots or HOBO, I'll buy it there before going to a brand-name store. I keep my Android phone in a plastic sandwich bag, as covers don't work well with me and I am hard on cell phone faces. I buy books used when I can. I above-average coupon not just for my immediate family, but for my parish food pantry. I don't think I'll be watching if this is made into a series, but I got a few good ideas.

You will have your own idiosyncrasies when it comes to saving money. But please don't stop being generous in your giving when it comes to presents and special occasions. Please don't let saving money turn you to behave as Roy appeared on camera. Presents can still be wrapped, even if they've been scrounged or purchased from the thrift store. Don't beg for people's leftover at restaurants.

And if you use toilet paper, please, please leave the 2-ply alone.

Were were YOU?

2012-01-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've heard from a person who claims to be an adult child who lost custody of the children to his or her parents, as well as somebody who claims to be my Ex. I can almost guarantee the adult child is not anybody I know, and can't be sure one way or the other about the alleged ex-husband.

I still maintain control here, so I won't expose you to the full diatribe by either person. Both are tending toward arrogant verbiage, the kind that makes me glad indeed that I decided to censor the comments here.

The adult child wants to know why I didn't work to assist my adult child in reuniting with her former children. This individual would also like to know why we insisted on adopting my grandchildren, why I got assistance from the government when my husband and I could afford to pay our grandchildren's way, why I'm punishing my adult daughter by doing this, and why the court simply "gave" us our grandchildren. I sorted this from the invectives, accusation, vulgarities and misspellings.

The pattern of writing suggest to me this other soul might possibly be my ex-sister-in-law, not my ex-husband. I can't be sure it's either of them. The alleged Ex has accused me personally of being delusional; of being unfit to raise any child, let alone the ones we had together or the grandchildren who are now my children; of the Mister and I mistreating our eldest child, to the point where we browbeat her into surrendering custody; of having had an affair that ended the prior marriage, as well as being "at fault" because I entered the petition for the dissolution.

I suppose I could offer an explanation to both of them.

However, I don't feel I owe either person an explanation. Quite frankly, I'm tired of offering explanations of why the Mister and I adopted our grandchildren. Some of the information is already here, in past entries. Why should I give into their lazy reading habits, simply because they render malicious demands against me without proof?

I will pose a question to both of them: Where were you?

Where were you, alleged ex-spouse, when our daughter and son were four and three years old, and you decided you hadn't had a sufficient adolescence at 25, and that you planned on having one? For that matter, where were you when you and I were both in military service, and you sampled the wares of the young women in your unit? Want to talk about why you couldn't re-enter the military after discharge?

I ask because, if you don't remember, I do. I have proof of infidelities, as well as your helping yourself to government tools and the money in the coffee fund. I've stayed in touch with the women who told me they indulged you during our marriage, and intend to stay in touch with them until the day I die. I expect that someday the adult children who share our biology might ask for real proof, instead of choosing to believe you. And I'll be ready to give them that proof.

I do believe it was the Mister who stood beside me when the son of your and my DNA was hospitalized no less than 8 times. It was the Mister who went with me to all those sports games Madame claims we never attended. The Mister was also there when Madame didn't come home one night in high school until 3:00 AM, when she flunked out of college the first time, when she became pregnant prior to marriage, when she chose to marry her now ex-husband via elopement. Where were you? You were off riding motorcycles and spending your money as any man who was married without kids might. He isn't the cravenly, henpecked coward you and Madame attempt to paint him. The coward would be you.

By the way, the Mister paid for all of that, and private school, and classes, and party dresses, and driving lessons, and hospitalizations, and everything else that these adults had as children from the time Madame was 10 and the Boy was 9. Prior to that, I paid for it. As you owed child support for seven years from the date we divorced until the Mister adopted our mutually-biological children, you paid for nothing during their growing-up years. You managed to pay off the balance owed in another six years. It took you a total of 13 years to pay off about $25,000, which came to $297 a month you were an absent father. During that time, you changed jobs, from a big-box toy store manager to work in semiconductors during the personal computer boom. It was the only money you spent on our biological progeny. A lot of it was money either I or the Mister and I paid long before that in basic housing, food, clothes, day care. When the last payment came, Madame was in college.

By the way, that divorce I petitioned because you left- it contained a visitation schedule. Why did you think you were exempt from that schedule? Why did you think you could skip visitation dates without letting me know, and in the converse, when we lived in the same town, show up at my front door unannounced, demanding your parental rights? Why did you fade off into the sunset so willingly, and stay so well hidden until your father faced cancer and wanted to see the kids?

Why did you tell my mother that our marriage ended because I had an affair when it wasn't true? Why did you write my beloved aunt a letter on sheets of toilet paper? And just how many marriages did you have after you left me and the children? Is your present wife #3 or #4?

As for our "stealing" the children we now legally claim as ours, Madame instigated the adoption. We suggested it in a letter to her. She was living with a couple as a roommate. Prior to that, she'd had three roommates, each of whom kicked her out, one with the help of the police; and then in what is known as a SRO. We hadn't seen her in months, almost a year. Her response to our letter was to contact our attorney, to whom we had spoken once on the matter, and demand he set up a date for her to go to court and terminate her parental rights.

Yes, you get to play Grandpa now with Madame's child born after we adopted these children. Big deal. You didn't raise Madame or the Boy, you weren't there. So, guess what? You and your family have absolutely no right to judge me or the Mister. She's an adult now, a diagnosed bipolar adult. If you'd been there, you'd know. Legally, you are still not her father. Your parental rights were terminated. That boy who calls you Grandpa is legally the Mister's and my grandson. You are no legal relation to him, to the children here, to the Boy or to Madame. Even if you were to rescind the Mister's adoption somehow, or to adopt her and the Boy as adults, it wouldn't change the legal status of the children here.

As for the adult child: If you were as neglectful of your children as my daughter was of hers, I can only hope your parents took the precautions we did. Parenthood is not creating a child, and showing up to take credit later on. The person who claims to be my ex-husband seems to think that's true, too, so it's not an unusual thought. It's simply wrong.

Children need permanence, a sense of security. They need to know that they aren't going to wake up in a strange bed in the middle of the night, hungry, or in a dirty, dangerous place. They don't need to be afraid they are going to be suddenly taken away from that familiar world and dumped into another strange one at the whim of the adults who are supposed to love and protect them. So yes, we obtained legal guardianship, and yes, we adopted them.

A judge I know deals everyday with whining, demanding noncustodial parents who want the judge to order the other parent to send photos to the noncustodian, to write letters to the noncustodian, to make airline arrangements, to put small children on air flights alone, to pay for the custodian's airfare and that of the small children. You know what she tells those noncustodians? "It is not your ex-spouse's job to have your relationship with your children. Use your visitation to get to know your children, to take photos, to learn about them."

I conjecture it's not your parents' job to have your relationship with your children, any more than it was my job to have my adult daughter's relationship with her children.

If you have not done what is necessary to regain custody of your child or children, don't expect your parents to do it for you. Haven't they done enough for you, and yet they are doing more on behalf of your children? When was the last time you paid actual support for your children, not $25 here and $10 there, as if you were giving a friend gas money for a ride? Do you realize how much it cost for a week at day care for small children? When was the last time you bought not a pair of pants or a top but your child's whole school wardrobe?

When did you honestly take care of your children when they were ill, walked the floor with them, took them to the doctor? When was the last time you obtained health insurance for them? Went to school for them, and didn't make an jerk of yourself in the process? Helped with homework not one time, but on a consistent, constant basis? Made them eat veggies instead of "spoiling" them and allowing them to eat junk food? Staying night after night after night, instead of giving in to your own "need" to go out, do drugs, drink or have sex, leaving them alone the minute they fell asleep or even before that?

Your parents have been doing what is best and more for your children. You should be down on your knees grateful your kids are not part of the System, being shifted from foster home to foster home. Good foster parents are luck of the draw, and even the best are subject to the whims of child services.

It is not your parents' fault you have chosen to abdicate your parenthood. It is not my fault, or my husband's fault, that our adult daughter chose not to actually be a parent to her older children, or make the effort to retrieve her children; any more than it was my fault my ex-husband preferred other pursuits to parenthood, only to regret his choices later in life. Let's face it. It's a lot easier to whine, complain and blame than to admit our major transgressions and attempt to correct those. Better to blame the ex-wife, the parents, the courts, the lawyers, Society.

Thomas Paine is quoted as saying, "Reputation is what men and women think of you; Character is what God and the angels know of you." Say what you will about me. I will challenge your assertions, and ask for proof of them, presenting proof of my assertions against you. God and the angels were there, both Ex-husband and somebody else's adult child, when the Mister and I did what we did. Our consciences are clear.

The questions remains, where will you tell God you were when explaining all this to Him, someday? He knows. He knows. You can push it away from your mind now, but sooner or later, you will meet Him. And someday, He won't need to ask you. And you'll know where you were. And you will be ashamed if you didn't rectify the situation. Your excuses won't do.

Happy New Year, and How Are You Holding Up? Goals for the New Year

2011-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

For purposes of common Society (with a capitial S), the Winter Holiday is almost finished. Most of us will breathe a sigh of relief that we lived through that!

I've only heard from one grandparent this Christmas, and we were able to settle the hash of that adult child mighty quickly, thanks to the intervention of child services and an attorney. I had my own little incident, but that was kept to the Internet and a county sheriff's office. So, Christmas stayed happy for us.

We've had a few accomplishments this year: Moved to a house that was much better for us, with public transportation, got some good test results for the kids, and I lost 18 pounds. A goal never hurts.

What are your goals for the coming year? Going to get on the weight loss trail with me? Better health through exercise? Fix the enclosed porch into a room for a grandchild? Draw up a better budget? Go to court and get this matter of custody settled once and for all?

These are all good goal ideas. But goals just don't happen. They need motivation, something to make us accomplish that goal. If we don't follow through, all we had was a wish, something we wanted and hoped we would would obtain. With motivation, w can move that wish into reality.

So, give your goal some motivation!

State your goal in obvious, concrete, solid words. Don't just say, "I will lose weight." How much weight? What method? Will simple dieting be enough, or will exercise be involved? What type? How often?
Less is more with goals. If you have one or two resolutions you convert to goals, you're doing well. Don't overwhelm yourself with a pile of goals!
Give yourself an end date. Let's use the example of the enclosed porch being converted to a bedroom. It needs to be finished by a due date. "Someday" is not a date due, but an excuse to putter. If you fritter too long, your grandchild will have spent the remainder of his or her childhood on your pullout sofabed. And if you are Grandpa, Grandma is going to get mighty tired mighty quickly of the mess you've made of the enclosed porch, when she could have converted it to a sewing room or a summer bedroom. So, the goal is, "I will complete converting the enclosed porch into a bedroom for Clarence no later than _________, 2012."
Break your goal into "chewable" pieces. Most people don't pile everything from a meal into a sandwich and down it in one gulp without chewing it first. Break down your goal into what you have to do to reach it. Put it into segments, individual "mini-goals" of one to two lines each. Meeting the "mini-goals" along the way will be so much easier than trying to swallow your whole goal in one gulp (and it'll be a lot easier to digest).
Don't forget to factor in the cost of meeting your goal when you segment it. If you're losing weight, will you be doing that on your own? Weight Watchers? Atkins? Detox? How much is it going to set you back? Will different foods be involved? Can you take the money you spent on unhealthy foods and apply it to healthy choices? Are you finding a job? New clothes might be in order. Quitting smoking? Maybe you need nicotine gum or patches. The enclosed porch is going to require lumber, insulation, maybe a new window, maybe some new furniture, definitely paint, possibly drywall. Figure out how much you intend to pay for this, and where you plan to get the money for it. One of the fastest ways to kill a goal is not to fund it.
If you need help, line it up now. Maybe you never set up your own business, but you have a friend who has. Maybe you've never hung drywall, but you know your adult godson has. Maybe you just need somebody to whom to be accountable on your weight loss journey, or an exercise buddy. Gather information, asks questions, ask for assistance- NOW.
Give your goal some reality NOW. Posters and lapbooks aren't just for children. Cut out some pictures from magazines, or print some pics off the Internet, or even draw your own illustrations. Spell out your main goal on a poster, in glitter, and put the mini-goals in metallic using gel pens. Take before and after photos, and print them out, either at the big-box store on professional paper, or at home using your own printer. Make your self a goal thermometer, or whizo-meter, that you can complete every time you meet a mini-goal. Have fun with this, and make it REAL to you.
DON'T GIVE UP. Just because you had a setback doesn't mean you can just quit. What did you tell your now adult kid all these years about quitters, about starting over again? So you have to rehang the wall, or the woodwork looks a little uneven and has to be redone. So you gained a pound. It doesn't give you the luxury of throwing up your hands in despair and flopping your butt down in the La-Z-Boy.

Here's hoping your New Year's resolutions take on the sheen of accomplished goals through out the year! If you'd like to send me some of them, I'll be happy to post them here (anonymously of course, if that's your choice).

Giving Season- To Yourself, Others

2011-12-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season to be giving! One of the first people to whom you need to give is yourself. Why? You are putting in hours you didn't think you'd ever commit to the care and feeding of children, that's why. This is especially true if you are over 65 and this is your first year of retread parenting.

For some ideas on how to conserve energy this holiday season, see my past blog post.

Now then, Retread Parent, what makes you smile and relax? Give that to yourself, at least once this holiday season. What could it be? Only you know that, but here are some suggestions to get you started on that thought:

Can you afford some pampering? Look into senior prices at day spas and salons. Even one afternoon on your hair, or one really good massage, can really do a lot for your disposition.
Don't think you can afford a new hair-do or a massage? Search the Internet or your good old-fashioned Yellow Pages for schools of beauty culture, physical therapy and massage. I have a couple relatives who are now massage therapists, and just as beauty schools need real human heads for practice under the supervision of licensed professionals, ditto that for massage. Free or low prices, supervisions, students get practice, you get some pampering- What's not to like?
As a rule, it's impolite to tell people what you want for a gift. But if they ask, you could say, "Gee, ya know, with the kids and all, I haven't had time to think about it. I haven't had time to breathe! And just look at my hair! I love the kids dearly, but boy could I use something relaxing." You might get a foot massager, or a couple boxes of Clairol. You might also get gift certificate to someplace nice. You never know.

As for all those stressors that pop up more so for us who retread parent, here's some tips on reducing that stress:

STREAMLINE. It's not about how. There is no crime in serving latkes purchased frozen, bakery goods, pre-chopped frozen items with which to prepare food (onions and green peppers come already diced and ready to use), grocery-store deli prepared meals; for that matter, no crime in eliminating traditions you don't like, activities that don't make sense to your schedule, or stuff it's just not worth it to do. You may not be able to travel to see your sister 1,500 miles away this year. Just as when you were young and might have missed Christmas at Mom and Dad's because you were now married, you have other responsibilities.
DON'T WORRY BEFORE YOU HAVE TO WORRY: I know. It sounds weird. Worry on a schedule. When I first heard it from my late aunt, I thought she was crazy. But, if you use a schedule, paper or online, and book yourself some time to worry about stuff (the adult child in this mess, how you're going to make ends meet, what to serve for dinner), you will be surprised how much stress this takes out of your life.
SCHEDULE. Create a flexible holiday schedule, a list, what needs to be done and when.

Now let's work on gifts for others.

Is money a problem? It can be a lot more of a problem for grandparents and others raising young relatives. What was possibly more than enough for you barely stretches to the next week, or worse. Yet, you want to be sure those little ones, even big arrogant teenage ones, have that bright light in their eyes come Christmas morning, or on the first night the menorah is lit. Here's some help with making sure your grandkids enjoy their holidays without breaking your bank account:

IT'S ABOUT TIME. Spread your money and time over the year. Create your own gift certificates, with the computer or your own art skills. A promise for a real movie at a theater with all the trimmings in April when you have more money, just the two of you, can be a real boost to your relationship with a sullen teen who misses her Mom. Other gift certificate ideas can include trips to the store, picnics, zoo trips, playground time, trips to the ceramic shop, popcorn and a rented (or free library) movie at home with you, a gourmet dinner or dinner of favorite foods. Use your imagination.
CAN YOU OR SOMEBODY ELSE MAKE IT? Yes, it's pretty easy to make dolls, block sets, t-shirts, fancy flip-flops, and some jewelry. There are web sites out there that can also remind you how to make bath salts, soaps, candies, cookies, and a host of other things. Google, google, google. If you have more time and energy than money, this might be a good idea. If you can't do it, can you trade your time to do something else for somebody else to do it? I can't knit or crotchet well. I do have a friend who is wonderful at both, but can't do her Christmas letter or cards. It's a good trade-off, a nice shawl for doing her cards, inserting a lovely Christmas letter in there.
WATCH FOR SALES, eBAY, THRIFT STORES TO HAVE IT. No joke. I once got the most amazing rocking horse at Goodwill for a certain child who wanted one. The horse is large enough for an adult to ride. It was hand-crafted, and according to the embossed stamps on the rockers, had two previous owners. Online, I saw a similar horse for no less than $250. I paid $20 for the horse, and another $10 to spruce it up. There are not thousands, but millions, of gently-used items that you would be hard-pressed to tell the difference between new and used. It's certainly a good way to acquire new family heirlooms!
FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT, THERE IS HELP. I've heard from grandparents who are broke, period. They've gotten the grandkids on DHS and Kidcare because that's all they can afford, not merely because of the kids' status. Free school breakfasts and lunches will be missed during the holiday break from school. Older folks such as us are losing our jobs. Toys, games and the unnecessary take a back seat to food, clothing and shelter. For these caregivers, I can only say ASK FOR HELP. It might be a little late for traditional assistance, such as Catholic Charities or Salvation Army, but start with your local house of worship. Ask your DHS case worker for any leads on this. Don't be so proud that your grandkids go hungry or cold. My prayers for all of you going through this.

Where There's a Will...

2011-11-27T14:47:00.000-08:00

While we are on the legalities, do you have a will? You certainly need one, whoever you are, but if you have custody of grandchildren, or you you've adopted your grandchildren, you need to make one. Yesterday.

BIG NOTE: I am NOT an attorney. I am a grandparent who has been raked over the coals by an adult child who, for whatever reasons, lost custody of her elder children to the Mister and me. We later adopted them.
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There is a difference between a ward and a legal child. One of these differences is that the probate court, in most states, or the family court in others, gives you permission to be the guardian or custodian of your grandchildren. An adopted child is one's child just as much as that problem adult child who caused this problem in the first place.

So if you die, according to my sources, you're no longer the guardian. It's hard to take care of kids from the Great Beyond. In some states, however, a standby guardian can be named by the current guardian. The alternative is an "interested person" stepping into the role, or worse, foster care, child protective services or your adult child who doesn't care for them as it is taking over the raising of your grandchildren.

If you have taken the step of adopting your grandchildren, and don't leave a will with a designated guardian, your next-of-kin is your spouse, and your adult children. Yes, that's right. If you don't examine your family situation, your grandchildren could go back to their now legal sibling.

Then there is your Stuff. Even if you think you don't have much, there is bound to be something you don't want Junior or Lulabelle to have. Whether you are the guardian, custodian or legal parent of your grandchildren, you need to tell somebody responsible what to do with your Stuff.

So give yourself a great Christmas present. GET A WILL, POWER OF ATTORNEY AND DESIGNATE IN WRITING WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU TODAY PER YOUR STATE'S LAW. And go see an attorney. Your situation is indeed complicated.

And while you're taking care of the will, etc., then how about your insurance policies and safety deposit box? Is your adult child on any of these? Do you you need to make some changes? Get the forms and get busy.

My cousin was 57 when he died this month, while on his way to work. Thank goodness his adult children are responsible people raising their own kids. But anybody can die at any time.

So, it's a really good idea to give those grandkids a cushion of protection. You've come this far. Get a will. Keep your important papers updated.

If nothing else, you'll get a certain joy from knowing that Junior or Lulabelle will have quite a jolt when you do pass!

Survival of the Strongest: Visitation

2011-11-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

Well, well. The noncustodial adult children must be out in droves this Thanksgiving. Here I was thinking it was a quiet year, and I have THREE requests for information on noncustodial visitation during the holidays.

Always remember: I am NOT an attorney. I'm just another grandparent. If you need a lawyer, get the best one you can afford, and interview before you need one, to make sure you have the right fit.

Let's start with manipulation techniques. If your noncustodial adult child shows up at your front door unexpectedly on a holiday, you are under NO, repeat NO obligation to allow him or her to enter your home. This is especially true if he or she shows up drunk, stoned or seems out to cause harm. If he or she shows up unexpected with another person or persons, a camera, recording equipment, etc., you are being set up. If you don't want him or her there, tell him or her politely to leave, close and lock the door. If he or she doesn't leave, call the police. Waste no further time on the situation.

When the police come, show them a copy of your court order and anything else to prove to you have custody of the children (WIC coupons, DHS cards, insurance cards, grandkids' report cards, kids' doctor's records with your name, etc.). If you or one of the grandchildren was harmed in any way, insist on filing charges, especially if weapons or weapon substitutes (tire iron, sock of change, etc.) were drawn. You can't be a wimp at this point. The holiday has already been spoiled.

Don't scream unless you are being harmed and then wail as loud as you can. Call all the attention possible to yourself at the first sign of harm. Otherwise, keep your voice as calm as possible. SEND THE GRANDCHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM, the farther away from the situation the better. It's no time to play in the back yard. Upstairs, the basement, wherever is out of range of the situation is best.

A variation on this drama is the Old Friend Bearing Gifts. He or she will come to your door, telling you some sad tale of your noncustodial adult child, who asked the friend to bring the kids a little gift. That's the gift in the paper bag. It could be anything from snack food to toys. The Old Friend promised to deliver it to the children in person, as your adult child has told the Old Friend that you will not give the kids the gift.

You are being set up. DON'T LET THE FRIEND COME IN. Thank him, tell her she can leave it outside on the doorstep if she wishes, or your adult child can always mail the package return receipt requested. If Old Friend insists, pushes on the door, etc., close the door and CALL THE POLICE. Again, BEFORE you open the door, send the grandkids to the farthest part of the house.

The kids are going to be wound up from this. They will perhaps caper and take advantage. They might also be quiet, sulk or even not want to talk about it. Tend to them first.

If you have court-ordered visitation, start preparation early. If at all possible, back in the planning stages, please strongly suggest to your attorney that visitation take place in a neutral place, and that the court order supervision. If there is proof that Junior or Lulabelle abandoned or neglected the children, or if there is proof of drug use or alcohol abuse, it's not that much of a stretch to request supervised visitation. If there's a criminal record, you certainly don't want Junior or Lulabelle in your house, at least not now.

A court-ordered supervisor is somebody the court appoints to go along on the visit. In some states, the noncustodial parent pays for a professional supervisor from a list at the courthouse; in others, it's part of the law enforcement system; still others, some relative or neutral friend volunteers. A paid professional is best. When your adult child has to pay for this, visits taper off quickly. Supervision isn't cheap when it isn't low income, often costing upwards of $25 a half hour. When low income and sliding scale services are used, there is usually a waiting list. Low income and sliding scale visitation is usually limited to an hour to two hours.

If this is an overnight visit, it's still a good idea to have the handoff and pickup in neutral territory. Why do you think the local malls and fast food places team with kids on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons? Some counties offer neutral exchange points without having to go to fast food places or malls. Too many don't.

Also on overnight visits, inventory what the kids will take with them before they leave. The fastest way is to whip out your cell phone and snap photos. When you have a free minute, email the pics to your addy. But do record what they take with them, on paper as a list, in a logbook with the date and time of transfer: Clothes, toys, even the baggage, cell phones if they have them.

Speaking of cell phones, it's not a bad idea that at least one of the kids has one. It doesn't have to be fancy, and it doesn't have to have Internet capability. They don't need to wave it for all to see, but you never know.

Take somebody with you to the drop-off. Sometimes, local grandparents groups offer the services of their members to switch off with each other. Two can play at the witness game, and that's why you need that spare person, as a witness. It's actually better, if you are married or have a significant other, that ONE of you and an outside person perform drop-off and pickup. If your spouse or significant other is related to the grandkids, one of you can do drop-off with another person, and one of you can do pickup. Grandma and Grandpa together might make up a story. Grandma with Aunt Irma on drop-off, and Grandpa with Mr. Jones from the grandparents' group on pickup- much more believable.

If your noncustodial child shows up sober to take the kids, note the date and time, either on your cell as a memo or in a logbook. Note who came with you, where you performed the hand-off, who was with your adult child, and if possible the make, model and license tag number on the car. If it's a holiday, how about a photo at Junior's car, Grandma or Grandpa? Now you have a photo of the car.

Your adult child is drunk or stoned? Check with your witness to be sure you're not imagining this. Make it clear to the children and your adult child that you're sorry, this won't do, and IMMEDIATELY load up the kids and take off. If your adult child pitches a hissy in public, or tries to take the children, CALL THE POLICE or have your witness call the police. Let them sort it out. You are within your rights as your grandchildren's custodian to insist your adult child be sober when driving your grandchildren. Don't go right home if your adult child knows where you live, unless you have an order of protection or some such.

This may or may not cause more paperwork for you later on. If you're fortunate, your adult child will just write it off. There may be child services at your door, who were told you simply refused to give the adult child the grandchildren. Again, you have a witness (as well as everybody in the public, neutral place). But to be sure, trouble or no, send your adult child a letter (not an email, a letter), return receipt requested. Be brief and businesslike in the letter. "Dear Lulabelle, I could not let you take the kids on December 24th, 2011, as Mrs. Jones and I observed you were weaving when walking and smelled of alcohol. The staff at the Hungry Tummy noticed this as well. I have informed my attorney of this. I love you, but my first duty is to make sure Jimmy, Janie and Johnny are safe when you drive. Mom." Bring up NOTHING from the past. No name calling! Stick to the facts at hand, and be sure you have a copy of the letter. DO inform your attorney as soon as possible.

If your adult child doesn't show up within a reasonable time frame to pick up the kids, take them home. Some courts will set a time limit for pickup, and some will not. But it's a safe bet that if Lulabelle hasn't called you after 30 minutes, she's not coming to get the kids. Take them home, deal with their disappointment, and send a letter simply stating the facts. "Dear Lulabelle, You did not arrive to pick up Janie, Jimmy and Johnny on Friday, November 25, 2011, at 5:00 PM per the visitation agreement. I waited with Emily Johnston until 5:35 PM for you to arrive. I then took the children home, having received no phone call from you. I tried to call you three times, and had no answer from you. Please check your court documents for your next visitation date and time." OR "Please contact my attorney to see about future visitation."

If your adult child doesn't return the children within FIFTEEN MINUTES of the time set by the court order or as agreed upon, call the police. If you get some rock-head law enforcement officer, who says, "Oh, you're the grandparent" remind them that you are the COURT APPOINTED GUARDIAN. Call your attorney, leave a message if you must, but make it clear you need help ASAP. Record everything. Call your adult child, every five minutes, asking as calmly as you can when the children will be returned, that you are waiting at the place you said you would be and expect his or her call ASAP. Hopefully, you will get the children back that evening. Your attorney will advise you what to do next.

Unless you have seen marked improvement in your adult child (see this story), it's not fair to set up a family holiday in your home as if things were back to normal. It's not fair to the grandchildren, and it's not fair to you and your extended family. Don't make promises you can't keep to the kids. Count the blessings you have, stay safe and have a wonderful time!

This says it all...

2011-11-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

...Wow. That's all I can say.

When you feel as if it's YOUR fault your adult child has turned out as he or she has, read the following article. I know a lot of you will be hard-hit as the Holidays start this week. Read this, several times if you must. It's that good.

http://www.elizabethfoss.com/reallearning/2011/11/what-im-never-going-to-tell-you.html

Stairmaster?

2011-11-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

In our new house, there are 17 stairs upstairs and 13 stairs to the basement. I know this because there is a bathroom upstairs, and a bathroom downstairs, but no bathroom on the main floor.

It seems as we grow older, we go to the bathroom just a little more often. I can still "hold it" with the best of them, but oh the head seems so far away when I'm on stair #1!

I have to say, though, there are certain benefits to running up and down the stairs. I've lost 2 pounds that way, so far.

We've also included sidewalks in our routine. Prior to moving to our area, we had roads. We lived at the point of a hairpin turn in the road. Nobody watched how they drove, so walking was squelched at home. Anything we wanted was only five miles away, on dirt roads. Now, we not only walk, but walk to get to the store, walk to get to church, walk to walk.

I remember a time when people didn't pull the car out of the garage or driveway to get milk or bread. I remember a time when even adults walked to church of a Sunday. I remember when a walk around the block was considered an evening treat in the summer.

Other families with younger parents look at me strangely when I tell them we took public transportation and walked to gym class at the local park district. Some offered to drive us. I explained that it isn't just a matter of having one car right now. Exercise is good for kids, and good for everybody. The independence of putting one foot in front of the other and creating one's own transportation as well as exercise has benefits not found in driving from place to place.

In praise of Daddies- Let's pick' em right!

2011-11-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

I know the Boomers didn't raise a collection of wimpy men who think the greatest achievement of their lives is to create life with the Girl-Of-The-Moment. I know because I see those young men, in their twenties, thirties and even early forties, who are dedicated to their children.

I saw a couple just the other afternoon, at the skating rink we now attend. They were having a wonderful time with their kids, and other kids were wishing their male parents were like them.

I saw them again in various neighborhoods walking the kids for trick or treat. Some wore costumes. All seemed to be having a good time, whether they actually were or not.

I don't think it's a matter of Society giving permission to all fathers to take off and see their offspring only when it's convenient to them. There are all these men out there doing a fabulous job of being husbands and fathers, without regard to credit for their good work.

I think there are simply young women who aren't sure what qualities are found in a future husband. They are a minority, but they exist. First we, then our daughters, are picking slugs and lumps, punks, cads and losers. The Bad Boys might be very appealing when it comes to romance or perhaps aggravating the parents. It's the Good Boys, though, that you want when it's time to hopefully marry and make babies.

If that's harsh, remember that I have an ex-husband, and he is not my favorite person by a long shot. He was a very absent father, choosing to parent when it's convenient to him, then boo-hooing when things didn't go his way. He left us when my older kids were 4 and 3, giving our marriage a whopping 6 years when the ink dried on the divorce decree, gone long before than. In that time, he'd been unfaithful no less than 12 times, of which I have proof. He told me he wanted the divorce as I was drawing his bath. His excuse was that marriage was too confining, and he didn't think he'd really had the adolescence he required.

So, I've been there, done that, regretfully.

This isn't really aimed at grandparents today, at least not in the sense of dealing with the adult children who've abdicated parenting. This is a preemptive strike, as it were, to attempt to prevent future generations from making the blunders that lead to baby-daddies, divorce court, dead beat dads, and really, the vicious cycle that has grandparents raising more grandchildren than at any time in history.

I am expecting mothers everywhere to tell their unmarried daughters, young and old, but even their married and divorced ones, or the ones with baby-daddies, that there is a method to the madness of choosing a spouse. The days of getting married right out of high school are long over, but making babies younger and younger is not.

Therefore, please young women, and mothers, be aware, of the following when choosing a bed partner, a boyfriend, or even a mate:

MEN ARE DIFFERENT. They are not harder versions of ourselves with bigger feet and less brains. They think differently than women.
MEN ACT DIFFERENTLY. Thank goodness! Yes, they tend to mature slowly in comparison with women, but women who want men really want them to be different. All the jokes on Facebook and YouTube, all the country songs about guys, they have a ring of truth to them.
DON'T TRICK THEM. It is simply wrong to take advantage of people, whichever gender you are. If they are of an age where they don't think as quickly on their feet as women, please don't trick them into anything, whether that's paying for your meal or lying to them about birth control.
BE HONEST. A pimp, drug dealer, thief or sneak doesn't make a good father, and in time doesn't make a good boyfriend or husband. A man who will cheat on his current wife or girlfriend will cheat on you. It's hard to raise a child from prison, and that's usually what happens as men of lesser caliber live their lives. You still might find a jerk in church, school or through friends, but you stand less of a chance that way.
GET YOUR OWN SKILLS AND KEEP THEM UP-TO-DATE. You can dream of being a stay-at-home mom. But have some skills, just in case. This doesn't only apply to dating and mating with the Bad Boys. Good men have been known on occasion to die young.
DON'T GIVE TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF AWAY. Sex is an issue, but that's not what I mean in this instance. It's one thing to be a good hostess, a good sport about jokes, mature about disappointment, ready to share one's life history when the time is right. It's another entirely to wait on a man hand-and-foot, be the constant butt of his jokes, the one who constantly sacrifices, and allow him to use your life history against you.
TAKE YOUR TIME. As I stated earlier, people no longer get married at 18, right out of high school. The maturity factor simply isn't there for most young people. Think about putting off serious boy-girl dating until at least 18, maybe longer. And if you think you've found Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Possible, take your time before committing to sex AND marriage. Ten years might be too long, but nowadays, six months is much too short a time to know each other before marriage without being over 25. Seriously. Take your time.
KEEP YOUR JEANS ZIPPED AND ON YOUR HIPS, LADIES. Don't tease. Don't unzip. I'd say don't unzip until you have vows said and a ring on your finger. You are worth the wait. Boomers, particularly the later version, always seemed out for a sexual conquest. We were really, most of us, very insecure. Have confidence, and wait. You will save yourself an awful lot of grief.
MOTHERS, SAY SOMETHING WHEN GIRLS ARE SMALL. Yes, your 3 year old is too small to hear the intimate details of procreation. She is never too young to hear that Daddy loves Mommy if it's true. Your five year old is not too young to know that babies should be made when Mommy loves Daddy and when they are married, and that the baby grows in Mommy's body. Your 10 year old daughter is not too young to know that once she starts her period, she could get pregnant, and a good young man who works hard is worth five of the flashy ones who want to take her places and buy her things but really want nothing but to have their way with her. It doesn't start too early, that each little girl will grow into a woman, that she is of infinite worth, and babies too early are blessings, but blessings that are much more work than having them in a marriage with a competent male when a woman is older. If Mom is not on the scene, substitute Grandma and Grandpa, even if Grandpa is dead.
MOTHERS, SAY SOMETHING EVEN IF THEY ROLL THEIR EYES AND THREATEN TO NEVER ALLOW YOU TO SEE THE GRANDKIDS AGAIN. Slugs are slugs, pimps are pimps, thieves are thieves. Yes, people can change. It is unlikely and requires a great force of self-will. If she's dating a slug, SAY SOMETHING. If she won't listen to coached terms, spell it out for her. Yes, her feelings will be hurt. Would you rather raise more grandchildren?

21st Century Girl Scouts-- And no, Planned Parenthood is not involved!

2011-10-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

It isn't easy leading Girl Scouts in the 21st century. Sure, we now have spreadsheets that tally dues and badge requirements, not to mention the glories of the Internet. It's still difficult, just the same.

I am an old Girl Scout, as well as a former Camp Fire Girl. Notice that is Camp Fire GIRL, and not just a member of Camp Fire, the modern version.

The Girl Scout program of the 1960s and early 70s was solid, no-nonsense scouting. The promise hadn't changed much since 1912. The uniforms were pretty standard, with the Junior level outfit created in the 1930s. Everybody in the troop wore the same thing, and there was no deviation. The badges were changed now and then, but the basic badges and their requirements were spelled out in clear, concise language.

I left Cadettes in high school because frankly, I outgrew it. Explorers, a coed program run by the Boy Scouts of America, was where I next hung my membership hat. It had better camping, boys, job skills to learn, boys, better awards and boys. Did I mention the two Explorer posts to which I belonged had boys?

One post was sponsored by a major metropolitan newspaper (but not advised by Clark Kent, sadly). What I learned there dove-tailed nicely with my Journalism, Print Shop and Computer Programming (Fortran IV) classes at school. I had my photo in an ad the post designed, showing us using various tools. I took the L to the Loop and back to attend meetings. These meetings often included lunch and snacks purchased by our sponsoring organization.

The other post was sponsored by a Catholic parish, and was supposed to be related to law enforcement, even had a cop as the advisor (Yes, advisor with an o). In truth, we did very little police activity. We did do some coed camping. It was the 70s. We threw parties, dated the boys, and didn't do much else. My parents wanted me in that post because it was parish sponsored and close to home, as a condition of being in the other. Let me tell you, the newspaper post was far safer, parish sponsorship of the other or not.

Girl Scouting popped up again with my eldest, who didn't like the program of the 1980s and 90s. Who could blame her?

Girl Scouts had gone eco and touchy-feely. The promise and laws had been rewritten to sound more akin to cult dogma than Girl Scouts. "I will do my best: to be honest,

to be fair, to help where I am needed,
to be cheerful, to be friendly and considerate, to be a sister to every Girl Scout, to respect authority, to use resources wisely, to protect and improve the world around me, to show respect for myself and others through my words and actions." Feeeeelings, woah, woah woah, feeeeeeeelings...

Oh, um, yes, the uniforms had pieces, not standardization. The brag was that the uniform pieces had been created by top designers. It was...OK. It was not what girls were wearing then, but the Intermediate/ Junior uniform of my era wasn't, either. They even changed the Girl Scout pin, worn by all invested Girl Scouts and leaders.

Between the touchy-feely atmosphere, and the uniforms, it just didn't work for my Eldest. I let her leave after a year of Brownies.

Flash-forward to 2004, and Belle was asking about something called Daisies. Seems Girl Scouts USA had scooped up all the Kindergarten girls into troops to have something to do. It involved handbooks that required no reading. The girls earned petals. They needed a leader. Guess who? It seemed GSUSA calmed down a bit, changed the promise and law (again), and offered better training. The "real" pin was back as an option. OK. I was in.

By the time Baby was ready for Daisies, there were no Daisies to be had at her school. Everybody had other plans. That was OK though, because Belle was in Brownies, and I was the leader, as the Eldest flaked out on yet something else, being the Brownie leader. Baby could read in Kindergarten, so the other leader and I just registered her as a Brownie.

Girl Scouts USA has undergone some significant changes again. We now have a curriculum; not handbooks, but a curriculum, just like school. We thought we were getting neat-o new handbooks, the Girl's Guide to Scouting, with all the badges on handy-dandy sheets in a binder with a magnetic clasp.

Instead, we got some of the badges in the binder, but not all of the badges. Those are in activity packs, to correspond to Journeys. JOURNEYS! ARG! They are touchy-feely and allegedly written to how girls speak current idiomatic English. National didn't consult leaders. Once again, they consulted alleged experts. Educators.

Will I agree that Girl Scouts tends to be led on the national level by those with a more liberal agenda? Yes. Most leaders do not like it.

I saw it the other day on Facebook. It seems the First Lady involved herself in Girl Scouts and fitness, even though her daughters aren't members. http://blog.girlscouts.org/2011/09/help-first-lady-michelle-obama-and.html The comments were fast and furious on Facebook, and they weren't happy. The woman in charge of the GSA Facebook page seemed puzzled at that.

Nobody I know is thrilled with the Journeys. Journey mean buying extra books, extra badge pages, and extra work. They are too structured, too much like school, without a lot of requirement to actually learn skills. I've heard "dumbed down" in some circles, but to me, more like launching pads, add your own material as necessary (and it is necessary). Our troop was not thrilled to open the pretty new Cadette books and find that a whole different packet had to be purchased just to complete the Babysitter badge.

Then there is the big pro-life controversy, which begs the question: Is it OK to lie about an organization simply because you think it presents itself as too liberal?

That's the circumstances of the debate that rages in pro-life circles, Catholic and otherwise. I can tell you now that GSUSA has NO affiliation with Planned Parenthood, no matter who says so. The National Catholic Council for Girl Scouts and Camp Fire (NCCGSCF) has repeatedly stated that sex ed isn't taught without parental permission period, that there are no Girl Scout leaders sneaking girls off to obtain birth control or abortions, yada, yada, yada.

Conspiracy theorists don't want to hear it. They keep painting GSUSA as a bunch of radical feminists out to make girls promiscuous, homosexual and then drag them into abortion clinics. These theorists, who claim inside knowledge, have yet to explain to me how this lesbian sex in which all Girl Scouts and their leaders are allegedly engaged leads to pregnancy.

What are the alternatives to Girl Scouts in the US? Well, there's American Heritage Girls. It's a good group, but it isn't Girl Scouts, and again, there's the ministry factor, the Christian basis, leaving out other religions. There's Camp Fire; good, but again, not Girl Scouts. There is a council in the area. However, Camp Fire now has a curriculum, too, more for afterschool under the guidance of a teacher or aide, and it's coed, even the smallest Little Star (no more Bluebirds). They do offer camping. Camp Tialaka is no longer there, they have a couple resident camps.

It's been suggested by various people that Little Flowers, Sunbeams, Missionettes AKA Girls Ministries, Beehives and Mia Maids might be an alternative. These are organizations specific to Catholicism, the Salvation Army (which is pro-choice BTW), various Protestant denominations but mostly Assembly of God, and the LDS (Mormon) church. Not everybody is welcome in every group. I have never seen life skills or camping skills taught in Little Flowers; virtues, etiquette, doctrine, yes, but not the other stuff. Rainbow Girls? Rainbow Girls is also more like a sorority, in that a girl can apply, but doesn't necessarily mean she'll get accepted. It's an affiliate of the Masons, though I'm told having a male family member who is a Mason is no longer necessary.

I suppose we could do the 21st century thing and get a program or class for each thing the girls want to learn. But the camping? The sisterhood? The combined skills? At least the uniforms for girls from Cadettes through Ambassadors are once again standardized, even modern: Khaki "docker style" trousers or skirts, white polos, khaki vest of sash- if they choose to wear uniforms. For now, we'll stick with Girl Scouts.

There's always Venturing and Exploring, when they turn 14, where I fully intend to be a leader of some sort. I still remember those days, and teen hormones merit some kind of watch.

Hey! I bet that makes me eligible to attend Wood Badge! Finally! Can't wait!

NOTE: Since I wrote this, the Salvation Army has stated for the record that they are pro-life, but will not turn away women who have had abortions. I'm good with that. :-) Go check out the Salvation Army site if you want more information. I have also emailed my local archdiocese office on Scouting, and received an email reply from the scouting chaplain. He assured me that, against the opinion of the naysayers, Catholic girls will not be considered in the state of mortal sin for being Girl Scouts; quite the contrary. He emphasized the religious medals and books Catholic Girl Scouts can earn. He also repeated that Girl Scouts has no affiliation with Planned Parenthood, does NOT give money to organizations on the national level, and that troops largely form their own program. I would suggest that those who have problems with scouting in a religious context contact their church leadership, and that every Catholic who bad-mouths Girl Scouts contacts their local scouting chaplain for more counsel.

Feelin' like the Lone Ranger sans Tonto...

2011-10-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

Another friend put four of her children into a school. She and her husband do not make decisions lightly in this regard. It's a good school, and I'm sure her intelligent children will have a happy stay there.

But she is the fifth friend this year to put at least one child back in school from homeschooling, and the third to place almost all of her brood in a school setting. I am feeling as if I am the Lone Ranger, out on the range sans Tonto, cooking beans by the campfire, sleeping lightly in case I'm attacked by the bad guys, hand on the pearl-handled pistol in my holster.

Everybody has their reasons why they choose a particular academic environment for their children. I know at least one of these families went with school for economic reasons, so both parents could work full time. One family did it for health reasons, the health of the mother. One family did it because the homeschool environment was causing what they felt were sloppy work habits in the children, to the point where a brick-and-mortar school was going to teach the children about how good they had it at home. The others choose to keep their reasons private. They have their reasons, good ones.

We have our reasons for continuing to homeschool.

I have cash, at present. I now live in a community where I can get around on beautiful bifurcated buses that run on natural gas, saving money on a second car. The buses are beautiful, but the public schools are well, working their way up from years of decline.

In each of these cases, I'm older than the mothers in question; in fact, I'm old enough to be their mother. Being an older mother has its advantages, for once. Again, having saved money over time, as well as decades of learning home economics first-hand, I can cut back to the bone and still homeschool, which some young families simply can't do and stay ahead of the bouncing finances. I might not be as healthy or robust as younger moms, but I make up for it with brisk walks, vitamins and a daily nap. Bike riding is coming along slowly, but it is coming along.

The Mister has a graduate degree, as well as undergrad in another field. His teaching style has vastly improved since the days he taught various classes for a corporation (Our Eldest and the Boy will remember those days and shudder). Not that it's necessary to homeschool- and can be a hindrance at times- but I've had elementary classroom experience, and some experience with middle school as well. Both of us have extensive experience with technology, which is indeed helpful in 21st century academics, wherever those academics might be held and taught by whomever. When it comes to academics and technology, we have it covered, continuing to keep up on the latest in both fields.

So far this year- and remember we hold school all year, no summer break- I've only had to nudge Belle a few times to work. Baby not only does the work willingly, but comes up with extra projects on her own. The projects are admittedly not what one would see in a classroom, but they are learning experiences just the same.

Who knows how much Internet research experience as well as post-1960s history Baby learned during her Clint Eastwood phase? How much comedic timing and speech delivery she learned in Lucille Ball/ Fran Drescher phase? For that matter, Belle accomplished a great deal during her infatuation with High School Musical, on the piano as well as voice. We all still learn a lot from Pawn Stars, Modern Marvels, Green Screen Adventures, Extreme Couponing, MythBusters and Who Do You Think You Are.

Still, I am sure Belle and Baby could easily pass whatever test to go to the gifted school or a magnet. We would want more information on the program, and that currently isn't as forthcoming as it should be. The one Catholic school worth the money and transition experience has no room for Belle, and would put Baby in her grade of age, not her current academic grade, despite test results to the contrary. The other Catholic school offers a safe haven for kids who would otherwise go to public school in a rough neighborhood, but academically and technically isn't what our kids need. Would it be in their best interest to send them back to school now?

The Mister and I can only pray for guidance, and continue to do what we do for their benefit. That's the gist of raising children, their benefit, "the best interest of the children" when it comes to bringing them up to be responsible adults. For now, God has made it clear: Homeschool, alone or with others. Who are we to argue? There are obvious reasons to do so.

God has His plans, and apparently His for us is to continue to homeschool, even if I feel I am the Lone Ranger at his lone campfire eating beans and drinking coffee alone, excepting the kids, the Mister, and of course God. God's plans for other families is school; some public, some private, all brick-and-mortar.

Good luck and good schooling, friends! You're doing what's right for your kids, and we're doing what's right for ours. It's wonderful that we live in a country where those differences don't exclude us from each other's lives, allowing us to follow the path God has chosen for our families.

Are you SURE you're enough part Native American? Better check with the tribe!

2011-10-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a long time ago, oh, about 1978, the Indian Child Welfare Act or ICWA was passed. It was amended in 2003. Its purpose was to stop Native American children from being swept off the reservation and into adoptive homes where they would not be taught the ways of their heritage. The reason for federal legislation was alleged rampant removal of children from reservations and into foster and adoptive homes off the reservations.

During the late 19th century, and through a part of the 20th century, that was no doubt true. There was many a school opened by the LDS and more than one Protestant group specifically as a boarding school without parental visitation to make such children assimilate into the culture of the US without reenforcing their native culture, to the point where their prior names were taken from them and given "real" names, American names. Oh yes. They were also taught a trade. For their own good, of course (cough, cough). Breaking up families in the name of God and the US.

For further in-depth study on such circumstances, I highly recommend you read the Education of Little Tree. If you liked that, follow up with the Bean Trees, followed by Pigs in Heaven.

Let's move on to the 21st century. The various tribes have all this great land, and their own government. They've gotten into businesses to make revenue to share with their tribal members. Casinos, yes, but also hotels, shops, restaurants, fishing tours, high impact outdoors adventures! With all that revenue, suddenly people were popping out of the woodwork, claiming tribal membership.

The idea of the majority of full-blooded Native Americans living on the reservation, trading in wampum, eating buffalo and riding war ponies out to the edge of their designated-by-the-federal-government tribal lands is about as outdated as corsets and buggy whips. The various members of various tribes have married into many European and African families. You may even be part Indian of some sort and not know it.

What do these two things have to do with each other? It seems everybody is suddenly an Indian, at least partially on his mother's side, or his father's, or both but different tribes. It sadly also seems the ICWA can be used to scare custodial grandparents who may not know better into giving up custody of their grandchildren to avoid putting them through the emotions of a trial, or the alternative idea of spending their lives on the reservation as wards of the tribe, bereft of their other family; not to mention spending one's life savings to protect those grandchildren. It can mean many a sleepless night for an uninformed and frightened custodial grandparent.

Of course, I'm not an attorney, and I don't even play one on TV (old joke). But I consulted a couple of attorneys on the matter, and asked some questions of the various tribes as well as the National Indian Child Welfare Association, or NICWA.

First, baby daddies and mamas who are irresponsible still don't get automatic custody based on ethnicity. If they are addicts of some sort, or have issues such as bipolar disorder, don't plan on them to get their acts together enough to hire a lawyer and file a proper case. The chances of that happening are remote. If they were that capable, the odds are good they would still have the kids, and wouldn't be threatening you. Besides, they would have to find a source for money to pay for it, or somebody to represent them pro bono (free). They would have to go to a court and prove that they are the people who should be raising the children in the children's best interests. Don't worry.

Second, just because Lulabelle hooked up with Johnny Big Snake and he is the defacto or even legal stepfather, doesn't mean he has some sort of rights to the grandkids because he is Native American. Those children share no blood heritage with him. It also works the same way if Johnny is Johnie, even if she claims to be an Indian princess. This goes even if they create a biological half-sibling or more to the brood you're raising now.

Third, and possibly the most important, is the question: Is the person who suddenly wants these children claiming Indian heritage really an Indian; specifically, is he or she a tribal member who is recognized as being a prescribed percentage of Native American blood, as designated by the tribe in question?

Each tribe sets their own standards, namely who is a tribal member, and who is not. Honorary membership from attending a powwow or other tribal festival or ritual doesn't count for any tribe. Further, what counts for the Five Civilized Tribes doesn't count for the Navajo, and what counts for the Cherokee doesn't count for the Seminole, and certainly not for the Osage or any Apache or Aleut for that matter. It's just not that easy to prove one is entitled to tribal citizenship.

I can say, on the whole, the tribes are looking at bloodlines; in other words, genealogy. Applicants have to prove they are what they say, not simply say it. The Oklahoma Cherokee, for example, want strong proof, listing on the Dawes or other rolls of ancestors; original birth certificates , not just for applicants but their parents, grandparents and even great-grandparents; former addresses and anything else to back up the application, including DNA tests. The process takes no less than 10 months, and often 12 months or more.

Adults must apply for membership. This means just because your ex-husband has gotten a sudden yen to discover his heritage and applies for tribal membership with significant proof, your adult son is not automatically a tribal member. Junior has to submit his own paperwork.

Percentage counts as well, when considering whether or not the grandkids are Native American. This list indicates a wide variety of coverage, from 1/8 to any degree of kinship. When you hear the term "quantum bloodline" that's what is meant.

There are organizations, such as the United Cherokee Nation, that are clubs for those claiming Indian bloodlines. These clubs are not official organizations recognized by the tribes or the United States as tribes, for purposes of verifying tribal membership, and they usually don't claim to be. Therefore, a membership card to some organization doesn't necessarily prove tribal membership.

Even if the alleged parent has a Certificate of Degree of Indian Blood and a tribal citizenship card, there is still the question of whether or not the grandkids are Indian, if not by percentage, then by tribal registry. If you have custody, especially if they have already been adopted by you, you control whether or not they can be registered with the nation in question. Parental rights might have been terminated, whether by the biological parent's own choice or through declaring him and/or her unfit. Birth certificates have been changed. In many states, the adoption was closed, and therefore the files on the case have been impounded or sealed. Hopefully, you have moved from your previous residence and are careful in giving out your address and phone number. Again, it seems like a lot of hard work for individuals (the adult children) who can barely function or earn money legally, to go chasing you down with the tribal court as a weapon.

Finally, the ICWA concerns exclusive jurisdiction over Indian children ONLY where those children who are domiciled or reside on the tribe's land, or are wards of the court or the tribe. That means IF the children were under a very defined set of circumstances, then and only then would the tribal court in question be the court of choice. The chances of your adult child's partner in creating Life going to this extreme, or of your grandchildren being in such circumstances, are very slim.

In all other circumstances, the state courts have concurrent jurisdiction. Again, under very prescribed circumstances for jurisdiction, there is a choice of whether to proceed in tribal or state court. There are plenty of reasons not to use tribal courts and to object to them, two of which where the children over the age of 12 who are the subject of the proceeding choose the local court (the kids who are involved don't want tribal court), and where it would cause a burden of expense to use tribal courts.

In instances where grandparents are raising grandchildren, and where the tribal court chooses custody and guardianship, extended family is the first choice by law. Yes, the whole thing might have to be decided again, but the parent in question still has to prove he or she is up to the task of taking care of the children in question. The grandkids won't simply be removed from your home and care, flopped on the reservation and made wards of the tribe in question simply on your adult child's baby parent's word alone.

Finally, in circumstances where custody, guardianship or adoption have already been completed, the tribes are reluctant to uproot a child for no other reason than the child might have Indian bloodlines. This is especially true if you knew nothing of this alleged Indian bloodline prior to the custodial circumstances, especially adoption.

If Junior or Lulabelle threaten you with "Indian court" in a fit of rage, substance-induced or not; if you hear from your previously irresponsible ex-spouse, who was deemed by a court an unfit parent back in the day, that he is considering taking custody from you, based on his new found Indian heritage (especially if he's never met the children); if you catch wind through the extended family grapevine that So-And-So said this-n-that when talking with your adult child; if you read on your adult child's Facebook page that he's taken up with a genuine Kickapoo Princess and their alliance will win back custody of the kids, and with it his entitlement to food stamps, welfare money and your retirement check; RELAX. Until you have a summons in hand, nothing has happened. The possibility is good nothing will happen. If you do receive real legal paperwork, the odds are with you, and you will find the best legal representation you can afford.

(Special thanks to the Cherokee Nation, whose representatives answered so many questions so patiently for absolutely free!)

My Mother, the Homeschooler: Something She Did Right

2011-08-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

You might not remember, but my mother's tried in the past to get me to enroll the children in Catholic school, alternating parables of stereotypical homeschoolers she's stumbled across in her life (2 families in addition to ours- the children are exposed to classical music, oh horrors); or fallible pronouncements from her throne as an expert in Canon Law, which she clearly is not. When we last discussed the matter, before communication broke down on another matter, the main problem with my homeschooling the children, besides my age, was that they were not in classrooms with crucifixes on the walls; and they did not have peer interaction for 10-15 minutes after lunch, when the children at the local parish school are allowed to talk and play. As that was our parish at the time, I offered to drive the children to the school for that time period, let them join the others, then take them home. That went over like the proverbial lead balloon.

My mother doesn't realize that I learned to homeschool at her knee. She wouldn't call it homeschooling. She wouldn't even call it child development. But her activities to keep 6 kids occupied and actually learning something were quite good for the time. Some could be applied today.

The Babee Tenda and the typewriter: We didn't have high chairs. We had a Babee Tenda. A Babee Tenda is a seat with table all around it for babies. The 1950s model could also hold small children of various sizes, including first graders. When we fought over my parents' typewriter, or we were too rambunctious, my mother would put ONE of us (obviously) in the Babee Tenda, put the typewriter in front of us loaded with a piece of paper, and put on the timer. The timer was so everybody got the exact amount of time with the typewriter. The Babee Tenda was also a good place to put a child playing with small pieces of anything.
Not collages: I don't think my mother knew what collages were until we made them at school. However, she had us not only make collages, but lapbooks as well, although she didn't know they were called that. She had magazines, she had scissors of varying sizes, she usually had glue (Lapage's), and if not, she knew how to make paste out of flour and water.
The 1950s Internet, the Encyclopedia Set, Part I: "Better" homes, even one as budget-driven as ours, had at least a set of encyclopedias. I was about 3 years old when the Grolier salesman came to the door. My father took him up on his offer for a complete set, not just the handsome brownish encyclopedias, but the Book of Knowledge, the Book of Popular Science (10 volumes), a set of classics (I'm not sure, but I think our set had blue covers), and a set of children's classics (definitely brown covers). IF we didn't write in or on them, and IF we didn't tear the pages, we were allowed to look at them to our heart's content. My life was so formed by the 1958 Book of Knowledge that, when offered an old set 20 years ago at the local public library sale for $3.00, I bought it immediately, making my son and husband lug all 20 volumes to the car. I still have them, and I incorporate them into our lesson plans on occasion. We recently used them for instructions on how to make a gel printer, or hectograph.
The 1950s Internet, the Encyclopedia Set, Part 2: My mother read to us. My aunt, her sister, read to us when she baby-sat or even just when she came for a visit. My younger siblings probably don't remember that our grandfather, my mother's father, read to us. My mother liked TV well enough, but had no interest in afternoon soaps. The Book of Knowledge had stories galore, as did the Children's Classics. Mom preferred Knowledge, with its variety of stories for all ages, poetry, and articles. Aunt preferred Children's Classics, with the Little Match Girl, the Snow Queen and the tales of Andersen and Grimm. Grandpa didn't do either. He read to us from the newspaper; in fact, he taught me to read from the Chicago American and Daily News, but told me not to tell my mother or the sisters at school when I was old enough for school.
Poetry in motion: My mother encouraged me to memorize poems. From "Bobby Shaftoe" at the tender age of 1, to Elvis' "Teddy Bear" to the Fizzies commercial, I enjoyed doing it, and for a long time, it seemed she enjoyed assisting me to do it.
Not just children's television: We got to watch cartoons, especially on Saturday mornings. But we didn't watch strictly children's television. We were NOT allowed in the room when "Peyton Place" was on ( a love/ hate program of Mom's), but we were allowed to watch most TV, including CBS and PBS specials on the war, technology, human reproduction (over 12), engineering, history and the Arts. We were also allowed to watch Dick van Dyke, Rocky and Friends, Have Gun: Will Travel (special treat- it was on past our bedtime), Hawaiian Eye, 77 Sunset Strip, Adventures in Paradise, Maverick and Johnny Yuma. We watched as JFK was buried when I was six, and we watched a man walk on the moon for the first time when I was twelve. We watched as John XXIII was buried, and as Giovanni Montini became Paul VI. We learned a great deal about the world around us, and beyond us in the process.

As for that crucifix on the wall, we have displayed in our home a 19th century French crucifix with a genuine holy water font on the bottom. I think that counts double!

The IRS, Noncomments and Other Answers

2011-07-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

It seems I've hit a talkative time.

I wish people wouldn't fear that their adult children are going to pop out from under a rock and cause more problems or steal the custodial grandchildren. I well understand it, though. So, I'm not going to harp and say "Please follow me via Google" when I know what it takes some days to go out into daylight, court order or no court order.

My personal Battle of the Bulge? I'm working on it. It's about a pound a week. I am getting more exercise. I got into a pair of jeans that haven't fit for over 9 months.

Sorry there were a few of you who felt my entry on the intercession of saints is somehow demonic. One Lutheran lady was nice enough to tell me about the festival days the Lutherans have in honor of certain saints, so that was a plus.

And I am well aware that Adam and Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden, AKA Paradise. That's why I said the suburbs of Paradise. I figured they hadn't gotten the riding animals or making handcarts or any of that worked out, what with figuring out farming and birthing then raising Cain and Abel, and were probably farming the region outside the gates. Why else would God post angels with fiery swords? No, I don't think Adam and Eve are in Hell.

Yes Gunny, I can see the resemblance, but I don't think my ex-husband is Cain still walking the earth. He was an airdale in the Navy, and that might have something to do with it. ;-) Just kidding, Navy Air! :-)

For the Catholic lady who responded, yes, indeed, I have Masses said for Madame, my son-in-law and my grandson. They are remembered in our family prayers. I have a couple convents and a monastery praying for them as well. I try to offer up whatever pain I'm caused by this for their salvation and eventual restoration of the family bond. But I am leery of total consecrations to Our Lady of people who aren't very cooperative with graces. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't drag them kicking and whinnying to confession.

Mac, you are not the first person to have trouble with the IRS in regards to a related adoption. We are fighting this very same argument right now. The law, which you will find in Publication 17, as well as the instructions for form 8839, clearly states adoption of a SPOUSE'S CHILD, not a grandchild. Right, now the IRS is grasping at straws, any way it can to make a buck. I'm skipping the resolution center in Holtsville and taking all my stuff to tax court. So far, I've managed to settle the Mister's mileage to my satisfaction there. I think perhaps the court would love to know that the IRS thinks it can bamboozle grandparents into not claiming the adoption credit.

My friend: What a nice surprise after all these years! I'm sorry you're going through something similar. Yes, it does help to have the support of a good husband. Please don't be a stranger, and it was very clever of you to figure out I was the one writing this.

Recycling an Old Custom- Friends in High Places

2011-07-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have a group of readers who follow me, but don't want anybody to know it. We communicate via email through this blog. They are trying to protect the grandchildren living with them. They are so frightened their errant adult children will find them, they won't even use a screenname.

Some are petrified their adult children will find them. They didn't steal the grandchildren from the parent. But some of these adult children behave, well, like children, at best.

The abuse is out there, the bullying, the nastiness, the false calls to social services, the drunken phone calls, the attempts at extortion, the pounding on the door in the middle of the night. These behaviors have forced grandparents to make a decision to chose the safety and stability of the grandchildren and themselves over contact with their children, the children they still love but who need to get their own lives together before they can interact with their children. It does come to that point too often, and if there is no order for visitation, it can be time to put physical distance between the adult child and the rest of the family. It hurts terribly, but it has to be done.

I'm not advocating violating court orders for parental visitation. The mess THAT can make, no thinking grandparent with custody wants! But those of you who have never had a drunken adult child pounding on your door at 2 AM seeking visitation with the grandkids at that hour, well, I've never known of a court to grant visitation starting at 2 AM, and a call to the police gets everybody out of bed who was not previously roused by the pounding of the drunken one.

This can cause a retread parent to get lonely, to think about what might have been, to second-guess himself or herself. There is also the ever-present thought of the adult child's safety, wishing and hoping that they will try to get out of whatever it is that is causing them to be what they presently are. Perhaps out there, there is that one counselor, that one clergyperson, that one law enforcement officer, who can reach out and make a difference in the life of that one wayward adult child.

There is some anger over losing that lofty position of grandparent, and being regulated back into harness as parent, for all the love they bear their grandchildren. It's no fun to be the enforcer of "yucky" vegetables, late homework and TV supervision, all over again, when Grandma wants to bake cookies and Grandpa wants to go fishing.

There are people out there who will listen, for free, even if there are no social services in your area. They will pray for you, as well. If you are of a mind that you can't speak to them, well, at least look to their lives as examples, and remember that while this grandparent-raising-grandchildren phenomena is big in the US now, there have always been adult children for whom home training didn't seem to take, and grandchildren who needed to be raised.

I realize some of my readers are not Catholic, but bear with me while I endorse the intercession of the saints. There are many Protestant preachers who claim we Catholics worship them. We don't. They claim we are necromancing, or talking with the dead. The problem with this thought: If we believe a Christian has made it to Heaven, then he or she isn't dead, just relocated. They might not have an earthly body, but they just as alive as we are. Now then, if you can ask your Bible study people or the people on your prayer chain to pray for you, then doesn't it stand to reason that you can ask some folks in Heaven who have been there and done that to do the very same thing? And yes, we have pictures of them, and statues. You have no photos of your grandkids, your spouse, your friends?

In any event, the lives of these people, upon investigation, have been shown to be holy. So, you have some good examples. And in the case of the saints I'll share with you here, they had more than their fair share of adult kid problems, or thought they did. I've also included a couple Old Testament folks who also had their problems with adult kids.

ADAM AND EVE- You forget about Cain and Abel. Bad enough to have the horror of losing the best.kid.ever. You and I both both know that having more children might bring comfort, but it doesn't replace any one child. Then there's the matter of having one son kill the other. Not a happy day in the suburbs of Paradise!
KING DAVID- He admittedly made his own problems with all the wives, the Bathsheba Affair, etc. But O Absalom!
THE MOTHER OF THE "SONS OF THUNDER"- Maybe not the worst adult children, but oh how they argued!
Ss. ANNE AND JOACHIM- Parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The Catholic Church lists them as patrons of grandparents. Yes, it was a joy to be the grandparents of Jesus! And no, they didn't have to raise him. But we are told they raised Mary to be sweet and pure. We can only imagine what went on in their heads when Our Lady turned out to be in a family way and not quite married.
ST. MONICA- Mother of St. Augustine, who, in his younger years, was not always saintly. It's rumored he had at least one child out of wedlock, and seemed to spend his young adult years bent on aggravating poor Monica. Apparently, there were no grandchildren to raise, because she decided to be his conscience and follow him wherever he went to be away from her. The last place turned out to be Milan, where Augie converted. Also a good saint for those of African descent, as Monica and Augustine came from North Africa.
ST. AMBROSE- The bishop who converted Augustine, and Monica's spiritual adviser. So good he deserves TWO links!
ST. HELEN- While not having any records of being a grandparent in distress, her husband divorced her after a couple decades of marriage for the Roman equivalent of a Trophy Wife. Her son later became Emperor Constantine, who took her into the palace, and treated her as royalty. Point, match, game!
ST. MARGARET OF CORTONA- Margaret took up with a man, became his mistress, had his child, and lived with him for years. When her lover was murdered, Margaret took up a life of penance. It's nice to know people can change.
ST. ELIZABETH SETON- Her mother died when she was 3. Her husband died in a foreign country. Two of her daughters died during her life. And her sons aggravated the ever-living stuffings out of her! The boys, who were actually grown men, quit jobs she worked very hard to find them, but didn't take up further employment. They preferred instead to cause her to have money issues! It took her death and no doubt bending God's ear in person to make those boys get back in shape!

The Quilt- Part II

2011-07-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

The quilt was just as I left it, even had a threaded needle working around one of the hearts that decorate it. It was a little musty, but a good airing on a bright, windy May day helped that substantially. Spray fabric freshener took care of the rest.

I spread it out on my bed, the only place that could accommodate it without the cat rolling in it, or everybody walking on it. Other than being a little wrinkled, it was still in good shape. It's hard for bugs and moisture to penetrate those Rubbermaid containers!

Spring can really hang you up the most, as the song goes. It just brings to mind all sorts of good resolutions, I think more than New Years Day. It's the loss of the snow, the blooming of the perennials, the sudden warmth, the smell of the soil as it loosens and dampens. Suddenly, a person is losing weight and planting herbs and OH MY GOODNESS let's finish this quilt!

That was my intention that beautiful May day, to finish the quilt. I would get it ready for Christmas. I would send it to Madame's ersatz sister-in-law's address, as I have no permanent address for Madame. And even if she took a pair of little pointy embroidery scissors to it and yanked out every thread; even if she took a huge pair of pinking shears to it and cut it into scraps; even if she ripped it apart with her bare hands, destroying my hard work over a 13 year period, on and off; even then, I could at least express that while I don't agree with her, I love her, more than she will ever realize.

Spring can really hang you up.

The quilt is back in a container, this one bigger to accommodate the size of it, so it doesn't wrinkle so much. I did get the back on it, so none of the batting is exposed. I finished that heart I'd stopped awhile back, and several others, and am on a new heart, when I can resume it.

The kids looked at it. Belle said, "It's a very pretty quilt" and left it at that. Baby was more adamant. "Why are you working on a quilt this nice for somebody who seems to hate your guts?" The Mister held his tongue, for like Belle, he avoids unnecessary confrontation, only when it is necessary, and then stand back.

I worked on the quilt, here and there, as I had time. I have a little more time now; not much, but some more time. The kids are older. May and part of June were idyllic, very restful, no running to meet deadlines for classes of various varieties. I once spent a good part of a Monday while the Mister taught a seminar, double-checking the construction, making sure nothing was loose or sloppy, then stitching around the hearts, all by hand.

That was a couple weeks ago. That was before I found out Madame had finally married her live-in boyfriend. That part was OK. If it had only been the marriage,I would have continued working on the quilt, and in fact started a new one for the happy couple. Despite my better judgment, I actually hold no grudges (at present) against my new son-in-law. I don't know him, how can I?

It was, in my searches to check on Madame and guard these children against any action, that I discovered she is now "friends" with my ex-husband and his sister, her biological father and aunt. If he had been more of a father to her, instead of the man declared unfit by a court, I might actually be happy for both of them. If his sister had not been the woman who suggested I have abortions of both my elder children as a sound financial move, and who trashed me to a good friend, I might again be happy for them.

But when I think of the times I made personal sacrifices for Madame and her brother, sometimes based on basic physical needs, because Biodad hadn't paid child support but drove a new car and had a new house- Nope, can't do it. When I think of the phone call where he suggested phone sex only a year or so after the marriage to his present wife, with my then boyfriend in the room- Nope, can't bring myself that far. When I think of the lies he spread about me, not only to his family, but to our biological son- Nope, can't do it. When I think of the nasty letter his sister wrote my husband, threatening criminal action which she claimed was based on a phone call to the Cook County State Attorney's Office (Well, she claimed the "Chicago district attorney"), that I later found to be completely false and caused the CCSAO to investigate his own office- Nope, can't do that one, either.

Maybe Madame is lonely for extended family of her own and trying to create some, maybe for her child, without having to go through the hassle of the amends necessary for her to be trusted enough here. I don't know. I know she has a very short memory about the man who went to all her basketball games in middle school, the man who paid for Catholic school, the man who insisted we buy her 3 cars over time, the man who was there for her, the Mister. I don't see how she could choose poor grade horse meat when she has Filet Mignon here. Nothing I can do, I just don't know.

I'm working on Belle's quilt right now, the one I started from her receiving blankets and bibs. She's growing up, not just physically, but emotionally. We have our little moments, but by and large, she is, once again, not nearly as hard to raise as Madame was. Baby's quilt in the same format is there, as well.

But Madame's quilt sits in a container in the garage, and will for some time.

The Quilt- Part I

2011-07-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

I have in my possession a quilt, as yet unfinished. I started it a couple months before my eldest daughter's 20th birthday. She was in the military. It hadn't been an easy time for her, that year. Everything seemed to be a real challenge after flunking out of college. There were drinking issues the Mister and I hoped had stopped because of the new environment. I wanted her to be able to wrap home around her.

It's various shades of purple: Soft lilacs, almost pinks, bright fuscias, darker violets, with touches of greens, tans and whites here and there. Purple used to be her favorite color. There are squares from her college friends, squares from relatives, all wishing her well for her 20th birthday. It's BIG, comforter-sized for at least a queen, if not king, bed (I don't measure, I just wing it). Four large rectangles hold the smaller squares, 2 with a flocked white on ecru, and two with very bold yet homey purple calico. There are also hearts in all those various shades of purple. Some of the hearts are embroidered around the outside. I wanted it BIG, because my love for her was even bigger than the quilt.

As her 20th birthday fast approached, I knew it wasn't going to be finished. I copied the squares from family and her friends in color, and sent those, along with a heartfelt note and some good books. I hoped to have it finished in six months, if not by her 21st birthday. It filled a place in my off-work hours.

By September of that year, I was informed via email that Madame was pregnant, and not sure what she planned to do about it. By Thanksgiving, I was entertaining family and a new son-in-law at the casual "generic" reception the couple requested, complete with hand-embroidered sweatshirts stating Bride and Groom. Madame requested we use the rest of the money we'd saved for a wedding for her to ship her stuff to her next duty station (It wasn't much- she didn't give us enough time). By the spring, I was grandmother to Belle, and the phone calls came every 15 minutes. By the next year, there had been 2 long-distance arguments, at least a month of the Silent Treatment and no contact with Belle, 3 lies regarding needing a loan from us, calls about baby-sitters, numerous calls about the in-laws who also lived at their duty station interfering in her life, a 6-month deployment by the son-in-law, and Baby was on the way.

They came to live with us by the next August, bringing along with them the new van they couldn't afford. Baby came home to our house. SIL left to go back on his ship, and they divorced. I've been caring for Belle and Baby ever since, first to help Madame get through college, then because Madame abdicated parenthood, along with treating her bipolar disorder through her own self-devised methods.

I never stopped loving her. I never forgot about the quilt. I just didn't have a moment to spare. The year the Mister got so ill took up months of my time, and the children's time. We had a schedule to keep between the hospital, school, working with doctors and just making ourselves rest from the exhaustion having a critically ill spouse and parent entails. We moved, and all that entailed. We became more interactive in the kids' education. There was no time.

I brought too much stuff when we moved. We are talking a few walls of Rubbermaid containers, those big buckets that say they hold 18 gallons, and which can hold about 70 pounds of junk. So I have been going through them, one at a time, looking for junk.

And there was the quilt.

Recycling An Old Recession

2011-07-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

People over 50 have lived awhile. They aren't old, mind you, but they've been there a couple times, for a couple decades, and have picked up a few things along the way.

One of those things happens to be recessionary behaviors.

When some of us were younger, going to college, getting married and starting families, there was a recession. Another President of the United States gave the people no comfort,and another Congress voted laws they seemed to think would help, but caused problems in the long run. Inflation was rampant, and if you were lucky enough to obtain a 15% mortgage, you had a golden credit report.

Textbooks were expensive back then, things haven't changed that much. Feeding small children nutritionally well on a budget is still a challenge. Gas might not have been as expensive, but store owners rationed it so people wouldn't buy it up, and the price rose significantly in comparison.

How did people survive in the 1970s to live to tell about it? Let's recycle some old ideas from the 1970s and see if they still work:

HANG ONTO YOUR MONEY. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But if you're in a pinch, don't spend your money unless you must! This applies especially to grandparents who suddenly find themselves with 3 or 4 small children on the front doorstep. With all the pain, you're going to be tempted to ease it through meals out, trips to amusements, and "little" things to help the kids out of their blues over their parents. You're going to need that money down the road. If you haven't learned how yet, teach yourself some self-discipline and just wait. Your grandkids need your time and attention, anyway, more than they need your wallet right now. You'll be happy you did when your attorney tells you his or her retainer.
BUDGET. A budget is NOT a corset from the 19th century designed to cut off your fiscal circulation! It's a plan on how to spend your money to your best advantage. All you have to do is figure out where each dollar has to go, and when, then follow through, first of the month, every month. There is no law against making adjustments as needed.
YES, AN IRREGULAR INCOME CAN HAVE A BUDGET. Have an income that doesn't always come in you need it? Dave Ramsey says to have an emergency fund, and to still make up that budget. He also suggest starting your budget with the basics of housing, BASIC utilities (lights, natural gas, water, sewage- not cable, Internet and multiple cell phones) and food. He then suggest to decide the most important item to pay after those are paid, working down the budget one item at a time.
LOOK FOR HIDDEN COSTS AND SEE IF IT'S REALLY A BARGAIN. A lot of young people like rental centers. They get pretty furniture for which they only pay a little a week, along with appliances and computers. Their friends pay them compliments. Their friends don't see the payment that comes every week. Their friends don't see the fear when the really good job becomes a layoff, or a new mouth to feed adds an expense. Nobody pays attention to the fact that rental centers make all those goodies cost 300% more than what they are actually worth. It's a temptation to use rental centers to purchase long-term items needed in a hurry such as bed for the grandkids. Don't. There's no sin in sleeping on the couch or fold-out for a few weeks, or even months, until a better purchase can be made.
IS THE BEST REALLY THE BEST BUY? IS THE ECONOMY ITEM REALLY AN ECONOMY? For food, simply divide the price by the number of servings or ounces in the product (Take a calculator to the store, or use the one on your cell phone). Don't buy food you can't store correctly, or that nobody likes. As for all other items, it might interest you to know that truly rich people don't buy all new, all the time. They buy used, but look for good shape and a brand name with a good reputation.
IT'S A BAD TIME FOR CREDIT CARDS, LET ALONE PAYDAY LOAN STORES AND TITLE LOANS. Credit card companies are bad enough, with their cubicled collectors and representatives waiting to pounce on you like wild animals in the zoo. They seem tame enough but watch it when they are allowed out of their cages! As for payday and title loans- I didn't think much about it until somebody with our information, somebody who looked A LOT like me helped herself to a payday loan she didn't pay. Yes, that's identity theft and fraud. It took an attorney to convince the payday loan collector, who was one of the most obnoxious people I've ever met. As I investigated, I discovered these loans have an interest rate of 300-500% on average. Title loans have you paying car payments all over again, same high interest rates, and if you don't pay, I'm told they WILL take your car. Stay away from all credit right now. It's a bad time.
PAYING CASH HAS ITS ADVANTAGES. Walk into the store with a credit card, or sign up for the easy 48 month payment plan. Hidden charges, not-so-hidden charges- They will follow you home and haunt you for months upon months. Walk into a store with cash. You have bargaining power! The store will not have to chase you should you not pay your monthly debt. If a store will not negotiate prices for cash customers, walk away and find another store. It's a ripoff joint.
LOOK FOR NUTRITIONALLY DENSE FOODS WITH A LOWER COST THAT ARE GOOD FOR THE ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD. Bananas come to mind first. The only people I can't think could use a good banana are dialysis patients and others with poor kidney ability. High fiber, high vitamins and minerals, low cost, often on sale for 33-39 cents a pound around here. There are other foods. Whole grains. Legumes. Popcorn. Brown rice. BEEF (yes, beef). Get out there, investigate, and see what works for your family.
YOUR PERSONAL RECESSION MIGHT BE DURING AN ECONOMIC BOOM. One of our worst times came during 2005-2008, when everybody else was having a lovely time out there, financially. Hard times don't have to be during federal hard times. Like the scouts, be prepared!

One Way to Find Out, I Guess

2011-07-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Belle is old enough for social networking, and that means more vigilance on the parental front, not less. I don't want people suddenly popping into her life and announcing themselves. The teen years are hard enough without biological parents and other as-yet unknown relatives popping out of cyberspace and onto Facebook.

This brought me to a discovery today. Belle's biological mother, my eldest daughter, finally married her longtime boyfriend and the father of one of my grandsons last week. I can't imagine why it took over two years for her to go to her county courthouse, but at $27 for the license and a judge who does marriages for free as a collateral duty, it certainly couldn't have been saving money for a big wedding.

Social networking is good that way. There was a Facebook event announcement, not invitations, so I certainly don't feel slighted on that score.

I did not like discovering that she has decided to "friend" my ex-husband's sister. Normally, I am all for family. Not these two.

I won't go into why I finally pursued a divorce from my ex-husband, except to say he did not pay a paltry amount in child support for years. He also felt he should be able to simply show up whenever he felt like having visitation, which was hardly ever. Even after the Mister adopted the older kids, this person still hadn't paid support, even making good money in the semiconductor industry and owning a very nice motorcycle. He claims on his Classmates he has no children, only dogs he counts as children. How he intends to explain away a 30-something year old daughter should be a good trick.

But his sister, Mrs. Pro-Choice! During my tenure as Mrs. Ex, this woman strongly urged that I abort my children, despite the fact that I was lawfully married to her brother when I was pregnant. By giving up my unborn children, I would have a better financial position. To every person she has ever encountered, she has disparaged me. I know because she made the mistake of tearing me down to a dear friend she didn't know knew me (who didn't tell me for years).

It is one thing for my eldest to go off into a marriage, bipolar and untamed alcoholism notwithstanding. It's another thing entirely for my eldest to contact these people. I won't stand for another bullying cycle. I won't let Belle and her siblings be hurt. We're considering moving out of state to keep anybody from finding out where we live, even though the adoption of the kids here has been legal for quite some time.

So, yes, I hurt. And I am wary at this point. But I think I'll be OK as long as my kids here are OK.

Weight Watcher Welfare

2011-06-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

So far, so good, on the Weight Watchers Plan. I am losing about a pound a week and the Mister two a week. We are eating what most people would call sensibly, and still get an occasional treat. Our energy level is high, with all that exercise.

Weight Watchers is based on a series of point values for different foods. I can choose to eat premium ice cream, but I am going to pay for it in points at 8 points a half-cup. Much more sensible to fill up on tomatoes, red peppers, or artichokes hearts, which without oil are 0 points.

How many points a person receives per day is determined by his or her weight. Contrary to common logic, the larger a person is, the more points he or she receives. This is because real logic dictates it takes more energy to keep a larger body going than a smaller one. So the Mister gets a slew of points. This means he can eat big meals with extra accoutrements. I, being fat but not fat enough to get any big bonus, get the minimum number of daily points, 29. Throw the confetti and pass the unadorned cabbage.

There are two other alternatives to gain extra points. One is through activity. Every activity, from picking garden vegetables to running uphill in a marathon, has a point value for every ten minutes of exertion. I like these points. I know I've earned them. They make me feel as if I am actually doing something toward my own points. Call it an American Diet Philosophy. I'm willing to get out there and push uphill to down a Magnum Bar.

There is also point welfare, courtesy of Weight Watchers. Everybody is allocated 49 points a week. Those points are there to be used.

But I can't. It's a personal thing, my own mentality, but I can't. Call it old fashioned values, call it conservative thought. I can't. I didn't earn them.

The default on Weight Watchers Online is to use the welfare points first. Call me eccentric, I couldn't do it. In six weeks, out of 294 welfare points, I've used exactly 6. They don't feel as if they are mine to use.

The online package is user-friendly when it comes to the basics, but not-so-user-friendly when it comes to the tricky stuff. If a user doesn't have time to play with it, the learning curve time is going to be awhile. I've heard tell from others who accidentally loaded the wrong weight, and it took them days to figure out how to edit that into the right weight. So, it is no surprise that it took me 4 weeks to figure out how to change my plan tracker so that activity points came off first, then the weekly welfare points.

I found the panel that contains the radio button to change to activity points first, and none too soon. I had a bit of a run-in with a bag of onion rings for a dollar at Culver's. It crashed my daily points, but with a brisk walk I was able to take some whole wheat pasta and a jar of roasted red peppers, and turn in a satisfying dish for 6 points (oh yeah, there was a teaspoon each of butter and cream in there). I earned it.

A Moral Dilemma

2011-06-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

Just found out about a day ago that my ex-son-in-law and his present wife have allegedly been caught selling the special needs equipment of two of their children on Internet sales sites to other families of special needs kids, over and over again, getting the money without sending the product. I've heard the evidence, and seen some of it, and it looks very damaging to me. There were some cases of sales where it was not even theirs to sell, but a rental, such as a special wheelchair. This is bad enough, but the folks who have been robbed by these two have little recourse.

It's one thing to steal from family, especially extended family you don't like. It's another thing to steal from folks who are walking in your shoes or worse. To add insult to injury, nobody is helping these people. The Navy (yes, I will say the branch out loud, in bold type for all to read) claims it is a civil matter, and they can't do anything, although there is proof EXSIL was indeed involved. Civil authorities can't be bothered. As long as the Dynamic Duo (cough, cough) stays below the radar, keeps their alleged crime below a certain amount, no law enforcement, military for him or civil for her, seems to be inclined to stop them.

I talked with the man who runs a ministry that hooks up special needs families with equipment at reasonable prices, and where the Dynamic Duo (cough, cough) apparently did a lot of damage. I offered what I had in information, about 4 Rubbermaid tubs' worth that I have to sort. I don't know if it will help these folks, and I don't care about EXSIL's privacy at this point.

I also offered the current addresses of his siblings and mother. The man didn't want to "involve" EXSIL's extended family. It's his choice, but I can't see why. This is not regulated under the Fair Debt Collections Act. This is theft, and it's theft from those who truly need the assistance. Criminals need to be caught, and it's not vigilante to inform family that they have an alleged perp in their midst.

I heard from several people. One was a woman who is trying to adopt special needs children from a foreign country, where they languish. She couldn't see what good the information I was offering would do, but EXSIL and his wifey set back the adoption with their scam, and she opined contacting the media in various parts of the country where these two have done their damage might help. Another wanted ME to go after EXSIL and the Little Woman on her and her husband's behalf. Ain't happenin'.

I don't know, I have no crystal ball and flunked seeing into the future as a high school course. EXSIL and his present wife have four children themselves, two with special needs. He was not a great parent to the children we now call our own. If he's ripping off people online, to use a 60s expression, I don't see how he's changed much over the years. He owes me money, too.

It would be nice to see his rear-end in a jail cell, though. So, I'll make PDFs of what I have over the next couple of weeks and see if it helps anybody get justice in the matter.

Retro TV: Father Knows Best

2011-06-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

My kids love what they call TV-Not-in-Color. I don't mind DVRing some of the better shows for them, so we can watch together. They marvel how children in the 1950s and 1960s got to play outside until all hours, walk to school by themselves, and went to the malt shop on their own. I get to explain about dial phones, lack of Internet, and why the autos look like new versions of old beater cars (because they are).

We've been watching "Father Knows Best" (FKB) recently. The show is actually older than I am, having been on radio before TV in 1949, and then the TV show started in 1954. It's the story of a dad, a mom and three kids in the small town of Springfield. The state is unknown, although there are, so far, references to Rockford, St. Louis and Chicago being in close, but not too close proximity. We do know New York is a day away by train, as the eldest daughter was in a wedding in New York and did just that.

This was one of my favorite shows in reruns as a kid. I spent a lot of time watching TV, as I had frequent sore throats and fevers that kept me out of school for days at a time. The Andersons were a very nice family, and they had more than the standard two TV kids.

I've heard through the years how the mothers of television shows in the 1950s and early 60s were too stereotypical, always doing housework in dresses, pearls and heels. But as I was watching FKB, I discovered Margaret Anderson didn't. Oh she wore only dresses! She was in her early 40s, according to the story line, placing her in college during the Roaring Twenties (and she did attend college, was Portia in the school's production of the Merchant of Venice). She did cover her dresses with a full-length smock affair, and uses heavy-duty rubber gloves for the tough jobs. She worked smarter, not harder, but she did work. But pearls for household tasks, let alone heels? Hardly.

Margaret got on the eldest daughter's case, regarding dress. Betty, AKA Princess, saw nothing wrong with performing work tasks in public in "dungarees" or jeans rolled up ala capris. Betty went to the high school, and later to the junior college, in her jeans, a belt firmly holding them in place, to work on decorations for dances or scenery for plays, but never for classes. The younger daughter, Kathy (Kitten), also wore shorts, jeans and other play clothes, in addition to dresses to school.

There were real situations, and real anger in some episodes. Jim and the children not only made it clear to Margaret that they didn't wish to attend her annual family reunion, but they made fun of her relatives in the living room! Margaret pouted and then said they weren't going to the reunion after all, if they felt that way. She even stopped making baked beans from the scratch in mid-process! However, Margaret forgot to call the relatives to inform her of her decision. A cousin shows up to ride with them. The bean situation is fixed by a local deli. The kids get in the car for their mother's sake, and even bring along some activities for themselves and their cousins.

The children were far from perfect. James Jr., or Bud, was lazy in the extreme, always looking for the easy way out. He spent the first two seasons in the basement, apparently hiding out from work, from his friends, from bullies, and from his sisters. Betty breathed the rarefied air of good academics, and never let anybody forget it. Kathy was whiny at times. Betty and Bud ganged up at Kathy, and Kathy earned that nickname Kitten in more ways than one, especially when she took out the verbal claws on her elder siblings.

All three of the Anderson children seem to have been expected to work for their money. Bud constantly complained about his lack of funds, just as much as his mother nagged him to take out the trash, mow the lawn, and get a part time job. The Anderson girls seem to have the work for money lesson down. Betty had several baby-sitting jobs, and was shown taking several job opportunities through the school. Young Kathy was entrepreneurial, frequently trading toys with her young friends, and even shaking down Bud for items, in exchange for being left to his own devices.

Jim Sr. worked very hard at the insurance agency, a job I wouldn't want. He seemed to combine the rules of good salesmanship with the Golden Rule. He wasn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he did his best. Oh, and he helped his wife with household tasks, completed the "honey do" list, and helped his male friends with their tasks. He liked to golf, but put off his game to do chores first.

The Andersons tried, when possible, to let their children discover on their own what could happen, when it wouldn't harm them. We recently viewed an episode where teenage Bud was swindled by a carney worker. The $6 Margaret gave Bud to pick up Jim's rewoven pants at the tailor's went to a game of chance. Jim knew the carnival was bad news, as he wouldn't insure it. He warned Bud, and informed hi they expected to be repaid for the gambling incident. Yet Bud was drawn to the carnival like a moth to a flame. Offered a job by the head carney, he took a job in a dunk tank, thinking he would make $25, to be paid the next day. What a shock to his system when he woke up and found the carnival skipped town!

It took courage and faith for Margaret and Jim to allow Bud to make this mistake. Most likely today, the parents would have been down at the local police station filing a report, threatening to sue the carnival. Instead, they expected Bud to suck it up and learn from his mistakes. Margaret and Jim just chalked it up to learning life's lessons.

It makes me feel good, as a parent, to remember there was a more innocent time, yet there were still problems raising kids. I've read in at least one of the few books that exist for grandparents raising grandchildren, that such grandparents have to "get with the times" when it comes to parenting. I see nothing wrong with parenting as the Andersons did, even if it was only scripts written for actors. They were, in a day when people did not air their troubles in public, human in their actions and reactions.

Legislators, whose welfare do you consider? Part II

2011-06-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

I once read a very explicit novel on laws against the Second Amendment called Unintended Consequences. It wasn't the best written book I'd ever read, or the shortest, but it made its point that enacting laws to overprotect can often lead to consequences the various bills' authors never imagined.

I believe there are a lot of welfare laws out there that were supposed to assist people in times of need, but developed unintended consequences. Just because the money is raised by taxes doesn't make it less theft from somebody's hard-earned paycheck and thrust it into the pocket of somebody who may or may not deserve it.

When husbands and fathers started leaving families and not paying support, welfare once again stepped into the breach with a deal. If the custodial parents would only file papers against the nonpaying parents, welfare would give them money and collect it from the offending parent. This is still money being taken from the pockets of those who earned it and placed in the pockets of others, no matter how they might need it, no matter how much of a loan to the custodial parents it allegedly is.

Now grandparents are trying to collect support from their offspring who are legal adults. The chances of their local child support enforcement office chasing down the parents who owe it are slim to none. These offices don't understand the situation. They figure the old folks will go away, or the parents will come back. They also try to retrofit law and don't realize grandparents aren't merely custodial parents.

By law in most states, unless a grandchild is born to a minor child, or the grandparents adopt the grandchild, grandparents are not legally responsible for the financial costs of raising grandchildren. Just because a grandparent becomes the custodian or the guardian of a grandchild doesn't suddenly make them liable.

I know. I experienced extreme frustration at the hands of Illinois FHS and DHS when my children were my grandchildren. My case for support came up after 26 months of custody. At that time, the states attorney's office sent me a letter telling me I had no business trying to collect support, that I had adopted the children (something the person who wrote the letter should NOT have known, as it was a closed related adoption), and I should get a private attorney to do so.

For the 26 months my children were our wards, we spent about $40,000.00 on their needs, not including the money we spent on adoption. Out of that, Illinois paid our wards $5,486. What if we had not been able to afford what was necessary?

To the best of my knowledge, DHS and FHS never once tried to collect from the biological parents.

One of the biological parents is employed in the military. In addition to the base pay he receives, he gets untaxed income for a place to live, food to eat, uniforms, certain other pay and allowances. He knew he had this set of children to support, yet he made four more. By law, the children here were supposed to come first.

As for our adult daughter, she has already made one child that we know. She has a bachelor degree, yet works in retail.

My husband and I have thought about going to court through a private attorney and collecting what is due us. Even if we can't bleed a turnip, it would be a hoot to watch the bio parents' wages being garnisheed one dollar at time. We're still exploring the details, looking for an attorney with a pair, so to speak, who would actually take on these bozos and the courts.

But the welfare system gives little help, if any, to grandparents who do not insist that it do so, and even then, it isn't much. It's time for legislators to stop our present system of welfare, and with it, the urine tests, the vouchers, the robbing Peter to pay Paulette.

Legislators, whose welfare do you consider? Part I

2011-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Recently, the legislature of Florida passed, and Gov. Scott signed into law, a a bill that requires prospective welfare recipients to submit urine, tissue or hair samples in order to receive benefits. Parents who fail drug tests can name some other individual to collect on behalf of their children, but that other individual must also pass a drug test.

I don't care if people who want certain jobs gain them by taking a private drug test for the company. I think the government is wrong when it makes military members take drug tests, but when one signs one's life away to join the military, one has no current choice.

But I think it's wrong to drug test welfare recipients.

You of course ask why. I think it makes several assumptions that are not true.

It assumes that all people who are recipients of welfare are drug addicts, thus reinforcing stereotypes. It assumes they are all stupid, wasteful individuals who have no self-defenses when it comes to drugs. It doesn't take into account parents who find themselves suddenly single. It doesn't take into account alcohol. It expands the black market for clean, fresh urine creators, and ways to trick the System. What it does for foster parents who act as representative payees (RPY) for foster children I have no idea.

It makes grandparents pee in a bottle, usually grandmothers. As a class, grandmothers should be up at arms at pulling their undies down.

If, indeed, drugs are involved in this scenario, somewhere along the line there is going to be a grandparent who must use the system to get some kind of care for a child. It might be a senior on a fixed income who now has more mouths to feed. It could be getting the kids health insurance. It could be an attempt to get the local child support office to make an attempt to collect support from unwilling adult children.

I opined on a friend's Facebook page that, instead of trying to create more jobs for lab techs and clean piddlers, perhaps Florida and other states should consider in-kind goods, if they were so stinkin' worried about the money being misused. I know quite a few grandparents in the situation of raising grandkids, and they would not be adverse to receiving help along the lines of the Women, Infants and Children program, or WIC.

WIC gives pregnant and nursing moms, and kids under a certain age or with certain nutritional needs, vouchers. These vouchers are not very popular among the drug-addled crowd. They are extremely specific, for certain items of food. It states very plainly how many dozen eggs, how many boxes of which whole-grain cereals, how many jars and type of peanut butter, and how many gallons of milk a recipient gets. No sugar water in pretty colors. No mistaking the intent of the money.

I see no difference between a jar of Skippy and a pair of 4T jeans. I see no difference between a dozen eggs and basic school shirts.

I mentioned that I don't believe in welfare, but as long as the government was offering, if I needed it, I would use it. Ultimately, I would like to see welfare gone, and people who need help going to those willing to give it, instead of redistribution of wealth via child support collection and TANF payments.

Would you believe that a young woman informed me that grandparents who collect welfare on behalf of their grandchildren actually "take" the grandchildren in order to collect the TANF money to buy drugs and alcohol, and were responsible for their adult children's misbehavior? She of course believed that children in such instances were better off with the State in foster care. She actually stated that grandparents' income should be counted toward the support of grandchildren, even when they were conceived by adults and not as a part of the grandparents' household.

It is a good thing I live nowhere near this young, ignorant, naive woman. As it was, I gave her an earful then and there on my friend's wall. When I apologized, he told me I was right, especially for my main thought: Welfare shouldn't exist. Period.

Macy's Has a Freebie for You! and Weight Pogress

2011-06-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Struggling to figure out a field trip for the summer that is inexpensive and yet fun, perhaps even educational? Macy's has a freebie for you!

Chicago Museum Adventure Pass is a program sponsored by Macy's and local libraries. Depending on the museum, your family can get one, two or four free general admission passes to a lot of great museums in the Chicago area. Just go to your participating library and ask! Your librarian will be happy to see what's available, as this works much like library materials, on a first-come, first-served basis. The passes are good for seven days from the date printed.

Don't live in Chicago? Not to worry if you live in Michigan or Minnesota! Macy's happily supplies passes at those libraries as well.

Double check with museums before bringing a picnic lunch from home. Some allow you to take the lunch in with you (Get those backpacks from school if they aren't too worn out and have the kids tote them!), but some museums will have you eating lunch someplace else.

At least you won't be sitting at home doing nothing!

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Our weight progress is slow but steady. We discovered it would be better recorded with a new scale. The Mister is still on the plan, but opted to start again when we purchased the new scale. He's still lost 7 pounds. I've lost 3, and decided to keep going on the goal I'd already started.

The plan food is wonderful, basically because the plan food is our food, just cut into manageable hunks. While learning online to control portions might not work for everybody, we've been on diets before this, so we have food measuring devices as well as a general understanding of how to go about it.

Activity is our main problem, and getting it takes some planning. I've taken the kids for walks in our local forest preserves. Sometimes the Mister comes, sometimes he doesn't. We've also incorporated chore activity into the loss plan. Summer session starts next week at area colleges, so we'll see how much activity the Mister can get on his own.

In Which the Grandparents Get Fit (or More Fit)- Chapter 1

2011-05-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a long time ago, oh, somewhere around 2003, 2004, I lost 32 pounds on a low carb diet. Was it truly Aktins? No. Was it truly South Beach? No. But it was full of protein, with nary a crust of good bread, and it didn't take long, only 3 months. The weight stayed off, and what was once a size 24 was a size 16. Yahoo for me.

Well, that is yahoo until a few weeks ago, when I bought jeans. Size 18. So I went to the scale. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??? Yes, I was overweight. I never lost the rest of the weight, basically because I was quite pleased with the results back in the day. But now I was adding to it.

I tried to start the low carb thing again. For whatever reason, it simply didn't work. I could not kick start my weight loss.

The Mister has not been looking all that slim, either. His previous illness in 2008 took a lot of weight off his frame, and reduced him by 3 sizes. Those 3 sizes and another are back. While he sees the prior illness as beneficial, I know a lot of things happened with his internal organs, including his heart.

After looking through many a diet, we decided even though it seemed pedestrian, provincial and just downright middle class, we would join Weight Watchers Online. The Mister and I currently don't see the need to attend meetings about our weight, or be with other people in real time about it, at this time. We might not be digital natives, but we are certainly fluent in the language.

The Mister was a tagalong, actually. He saw me input our debit card number into the Weight Watcher site, and thought it would be a good idea, especially since registration is currently free. He seemed happy enough with the choice.

He was not as happy when I informed him that while I would be happy to enter information about certain foods not in the WW database, I was not going to follow him around with a pen and paper, and keep his chart for him, any more than I was going to chew his food for him. Not a wifely duty!

Each food, every food- there are no forbidden foods, which makes WW especially palatable to us- has been assigned a point, based upon the grams of fat, the carbs, the fiber, and the protein. Everybody gets at least 29 points a day, and 49 extra points per week. Those with more weight actually get more points. Tracking occurs on an online tracker, which will also calculate foods not listed in WW's expansive database.

WW requires activity as well as counting points attached as values to foods. That activity can be converted into food points, if needed. The Mister tried this by helping with the lawn work, after not having had real exercise in awhile. Hopefully, he will join us for walks instead.

The children and I have been walking the local trails set aside for that purpose. It fulfills a PE credit, as well as gives us time to be outside and talk. Conversations have been interesting, to say the least, and sometimes quite profound. The walks have an added benefit of building some relationship time.

WW wants individuals to set a goal. I chose their suggestion of 5% of my weight as my first goal. Seemed reasonable.

The various trackers weave information that show behavior patterns with food, and can be used to diagnose possibly why an individual weighs more than he or she would desire. I discovered this week that Friday and Saturday are horrible eating days for me, days that cause stress make me nibble constantly. I have no idea why, except that those are our "fun" days. Let's just say there is very little at Mikky D's that doesn't consume WW points. One can eat anything, but don't expect to not have that food shave off a lot of points. (HINT: Go for the Chicken Selects and the salads if you can eat them, and skip even the McDouble.)

Portion control was something I was used to doing, but fell out of practice. The food scale had a giant crack in it (plastic), so I still need to get a new one. Accurate measuring cups I have, 3 sets.

We paid for 3 months, in order to register gratis. We'll have to see how this works out.

As a woman of a certain age, I know I can't guarantee I will be here tomorrow. I know that nobody can. I know of a relation who got into heavy-duty fitness in his late 40s. He dropped dead on the rowing machine at his health club when he was about 62. I also know my late aunt would have been better off had some of her morbid obesity been trimmed earlier, taking her away from us at only 64, two days after her birthday.

I would like to see Baby graduate college, at least at the undergraduate level. It would be a bonus to attend her wedding or final profession as a religious sister, whichever she decides. The extra weight may put a stop to those plans.

I don't have major health problems- yet. I have slightly elevated blood pressure, brought on by (surprise, surprise) my weight and past stress. I show no signs of diabetes, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. I have no heart disease, and actually have been blessed with very good cholesterol levels. I have a hitch in my sciatic nerve on the left side, again brought on by weight. I don't want this to turn into hip problems.

And I have to say, at a certain point, the midsection fat HURTS! It's hard to squeeze it into pants. It isn't comfortable in a skirt waistband. Dresses start to look like mumus, and BAM, size 24 is back with a vengeance!

My weight, for me, has become much like a Sallie Mae loan on the Dave Ramsey Show. It's time to kick the old girl, or at least part of her, out of the house, for her own sake, as well as the sake of the grandkids.

So I have to wonder...What to do, what to do...Nothing? Maybe.

2011-05-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

When other grandparents contact me, usually under the cloak of anonymity, I give advice as best I can. I know how to handle taking documenting photographs, when to contact child protective services, and how to handle an obnoxious, drunken or drugged adult child at the front door.

I do not know what to do about a blog my adult daughter has written.

I want to hide it under anonymity, because what it states is patently not true. I know she is entitled to her opinion, but the entries are so far-fetched! I am so very much ashamed that she could carry on like that about us. And it is obvious to people who know us IRL that, indeed, our eldest is the blog's author. There is her photo for all to see.

The gist of her blog:

She can make more children, has in fact made another child, and none of them will ever be allowed to see the Mister or me. This child is, of course, better than the other children she previously created, a perfect child, the light of her life, and does not hate her, which she knows her other children do.
She and her several-year boyfriend are married, but then they are not. Their collective Facebook pages has them both as engaged, so who knows.
We didn't give her sufficient love as she was growing up, but more importantly, we won't give her any more money. This is the reason she can't work in her chosen field of paralegal, despite holding a Bachelor of Science. She has to work in stock replenishment for a major retailer because we didn't love her enough, and won't give her any more money.
She is not an alcoholic, and has no condition such as bipolar disorder. She knows this because she is allegedly afraid of alcohol, and because she doesn't feel any different than anybody else, no matter what the doctor says.
She can take a day off whenever she feels like it, even if she has a child to support, unlike when I was in her life, as I allegedly physically forced her go to work every day she was scheduled. She in fact took a week off with her boyfriend/husband's permission, and nobody told her she was irresponsible.
She has a new mother, loads of new siblings, and they all care about her, so she doesn't need us.
The whole broken relationship is my fault for expecting too much, not giving enough, and stealing her children. The new twist is the Mister is also to blame for not "reigning" (her usage) me in.

All I can say is that we have the corroborating evidence to the contrary. We have photos of her old residence; for that matter, we have photos of her last residence, courtesy of the owners' realtor. We have the testimony of more than 5 professionals, including a psychologist renown for his honest and unbiased opinions on family situations, several certified teachers, and a day care franchise.

As far as the child currently in her custody, I don't know that child, except the age is under two years. So if we can't help him or her, he or she will either be raised by our adult daughter, or become a ward of the state. Perhaps a relative of the father will step up, if necessary. We pray every night that she doesn't threaten to kill him or her the way she did the kids we adopted. But there is largely nothing we can do for him or her.

No matter her status, we do love our eldest. We simply can't communicate to her that unless she makes some sort of effort toward getting the help she needs, she will not see the children here. She obviously hasn't hit the point where she sees the need for assistance.

The Mister and I have brainstormed to try to put a stop to her blog. Our ideas are not fabulous.

We thought about using a web site we own to post PDFs and JPGs of all the evidence we've collected over time. This really seems like a last resort effort, something to keep in our safety deposit box unless we really need it. It's certainly dramatic, but this stuff is better reserved for the privacy of court, if necessary.

The Mister and I have discussed privately suing her and our ex-son-in-law for the support they didn't pay for their children for the 2-plus years we were their guardians. This is a direct support amount, not a determination of a court based upon net wages, then the number of children determining a percentage of income. Grandparents and guardians are not responsible for the finances invoked in raising grandchildren or wards. Parents are responsible for supporting their children.

We once tried to get our local child support collection agency to collect, before the adoption was final. FHS did not know what to do, started the case, then promptly dropped it when they found the adoption was final. This was two years after we started the case. ILSDU refused to honor a previous child support order because the support would be paid to our eldest, and as we were told, it was really none of our business. The county state's attorney said even though we were legally the guardians of indigent children, he wouldn't open a case, but we should pursue it privately; after all, we had the children.

We know neither of the parties have what is known as deep pockets. The ex-son-in-law has been very quiet, and made a new life for himself. We would hate to disturb him in his new life with his new wife and his many other children, even though the kids here have precedence. There would be a certain justice in having a judgment hanging over our daughter's head, having her wages garnisheed $1 at a time if need be.

But, nobody here really wants to get geared up right now. Yes, her blog angers us. Yes, her blog hurts us. But, we have the better end of the deal.

We know we can't save the world.

The fact is, sooner or later our eldest will either get her act together, or she will really falter. We hope for the former, and prepare for the latter.

So, sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing...Although it is awfully tempting...

Chocolate Mary's Crown

2011-05-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

She's currently out near the front walk, in the rocked portion of the landscape that is my favorite (no mowing there!). At about 2 foot tall, she raises eyebrows for some.

She is a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, concrete, painted medium brown with hints of espresso. She is currently sporting a crown of small, artificial roses into which my girls have woven regulation-sized roses and carnations. It's quite 1960s, and quite lovely.

When Belle was little, and I was still her Nonna, she went to preschool and found out all about Mary (Catholic preschool). So, being Nonna at the time, she conned me into buying a yard statue.

It is amazing what I found to buy them when I was their grandmother that they probably wouldn't have received. I once bought Belle 2 pairs of sunglasses at the dollar store, because, as she informed me, she has two eyes, which I thought very clever for an 18 month old. I took Baby to pick out her first birthday present from the Mister and me, when she reached onto the shelf and into the cart, then fiercely said into the ear of a plush frog, "I'm Baby, and I love you...OK, Nonny, buyed it!" Hardly the educational and developmental toy requested by my adult daughter for her.

But this was more than sunglasses, a plush frog, or even a small lawn ornament. Somehow, putting a statue of the BVM in our yard, front or back, was more of a commitment than going to Mass on Sunday or praying in the privacy of our home. This wasn't a Knights of Columbus bumper sticker, or a dashboard Sacred Heart. This said to whomever passed by, "HEY! CATHOLIC ALERT! SEND OUT THE ROVING MISSIONARIES OF VARIOUS DENOMINATIONS!" But nurturing the Faith in grandchildren seems at times more important than in children, especially live-in grandchildren, which along with my adult daughter, they were at the time. So, it was off to the best garden center in our area. Besides, for our ethnic background, it wasn't much of a stretch, along with tomato and pepper plants as a backyard crop.

I took Baby with me, who was some months younger but better spoken than Belle, while Belle was at school. She, in turn, tried to badger me into a gnome, an elf, 2 fairies and a sphere. Baby then told me if I was going to stick to buying a Mary, I had to get a good one. She found me a concrete Mary painted off-white. "If you have to buy one, this is it. Don't buy the skinny ones in color (plastic). It won't blow away, nobody can steal it, and it looks nice." I told you, she was well-spoken and had great taste, even at 2 1/2.

It felt as if it weighed a ton, and took me twenty minutes to successfully remove from the back of the car to its former location in our former backyard. I fished some concrete paving stones from another part of the yard, and there she was, ensconced among the begonia bushes. She looked lovely, the flowers were perfect, and there she stayed, through summer and winter.

Time and weather wore out Mary's paint job. Every spring, I would head out with a can of cream spray paint and touch her up. But there came the time when a really bad winter wore off a lot of paint, and I was ready for a change of color. We were moving, and Mary was moving with us. I laid down a coat of good epoxy primer, then the first coat of brown. When she dried, it was time to load her into the container to move. I layered more and more paint on her here, but somehow, to the Mister, it looked like chocolate when I was trying for wood. Every Easter he asks if I am sticking her in one big Easter basket, and every year the kids swat him.

This year, we had no religious education class except at home, so we had our May crowning yesterday, on Mother's Day. That's why the girls got out the craft stuff, and bought flowers at the Right to Life table after Mass.

This begged the question, "You know we aren't worshiping the statue, right?"

I got two pinpoint stares. "Don't be stupid! We aren't babies. We know Mary is in Heaven. We know she prays for us, and God has the final say. We aren't pagans!"

I was glad they could process that. I remember when their biological mother, slightly younger, couldn't, and tried to dress to the occasion of a school May crowning in first grade. When she was not permitted to take out her best party dress, she insisted she get to wear a crinoline slip under her uniform. She came home from the event miffed. "We took all that time, and got her a crown with real flowers, and she didn't even show up! She sent a statue instead!" All the explanation in the world could not convey to the child the symbolism of the service. She was always the most literal of my children. In the family oral history, the story is known as Mary: The Tour.

But her younger sisters know better, and enjoyed their moment showing devotion to the Mother of God.

And I have to say, Mary now acts as majordomo for our household; since we moved, we haven't been visited by any evangelical efforts of other ecclesial groups, not one tract.

GOOD BOOK- But not for Mother's Day

2011-05-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you who want to get Grandma-Mom something for Mother's Day (or Christmas, or Easter, or Valentine's Day), forget self-help books. Get her something to lift her spirits & reserve her energy. If you can afford a spa day with massage for her, that's a really good gift, & a mani, pedi or haircut is good, too if you can't afford the big guns. If you can take the grandkids for a few hours or even overnight, that would be much appreciated. Unless she is allergic, chocolate is generally a hit. Flowers, whether live or in arrangements, are nice. If you are her spouse, well, jewelry is fabulous!

Now, if you give Grandma-Mom a gift card to a book purveyor, she can buy what she wants. And if she chooses to use your generosity to buy self-help books, then that is her choice.

But do NOT buy her a self-help book, especially a self-help book about grandparents raising grandchildren! She may just be getting used to this situation. If so, when she ready, she will get her own self-help books. She may view the books as criticism. Given that in all likelihood one of her brood will be missing, whether through death or choice, do you want to remind her of it?

Stick with her favorite perfume, or even a big-box store card.
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NOW THEN- When I first started to be a retread parent, I couldn't find books on the subject. I did find a government web site, and web sites for support groups, oh yes and a blog, one lonely blog, where the grandparent had sadly returned the grandchildren due to court order. Maybe that was better for me. I started another blog that I have since closed, and I played it by ear.

I didn't know there was a book, now over 16 years from year of publication, that would have been a big help.

Grandparents as Parents: A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family by Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Elder Brown has been the best of the guides I've seen thus far. Sylvie's sister committed suicide, leaving behind a young son. So she knows first-hand from observation and assisting her parents what a mixed bag retread parenting is, not to mention her social worker skills (not every social worker is just another cog or crackpot, after all). She and Deborah put together a very practical guide for grandparents and other relatives.

The best feature is the recognition of real feelings of grandparents, as well as the clarity used to express it. Having been previously married before the Mister, I have to say most other books I've read on the subject grandparents raising grandchildren seem to be rehashes of divorce books I've read, using the same jargon, the same nomenclature, the same insipid recommendations ("Never say anything bad about the child's parent and encourage the child never to do so" and the like), even the same court rules!

Grandparents As Parents recognizes that it is a whole 'nuther animal entirely!

Grandparents As Parents left me feeling very positive about the choices the Mister and I have made on behalf of our grandchildren. I was glad to see that somebody besides me actually stated in print that grandparents do not legally bear the financial support of their grandchildren. I was thrilled to read that children needed to be allowed to express the anger and hurt they feel toward absent parents. I felt blessed to read that, indeed, sometimes the whole rescue of a child goes south in court in order to preserve parental ties, ties that are often every damaged or nonexistent, when child protective services and the juvenile justice system becomes involved in the situation. It was this sad governmental situation that is actually supposed to protect a child, that we fought to make sure was not involved in our guardianship and adoption of our grandchildren.

The only flaw that I could see was outdated information on grandparents obtaining SNAP for their grandchildren, also known as food stamps. At least in Illinois, grandparental income no longer counts toward the indigent child's income as a unit, but the grandparent who collects for the grandchild is considered the representative payee (RPY) for the grandchild. Perhaps Sylvie and Deborah could revise and update this excellent guide soon!

Happy Mother's Day! What Not To Expect

2011-05-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

If this is your first Mother's Day since you stood up to your adult child who will not or cannot take care of his or her own children, congratulations. You've made it this far. Now I am going to have to remind you that you might have to take some emotional lumps today.

Yes, you will receive tokens from that grandchild or grandchildren. Mother's Day is during the school year, & it's a good craft time, with flowers and lace and almost all the same stuff as Valentine's Day. If you have other adult children who are responsible & well-balanced, they will take you to brunch or some such. If you have a significant other or husband, there will be appreciation from that source.

But it is that ONE CHILD, now an adult, from whom you long to hear. One kind word. One "Thank you Mom."

Oh honey. Here's a tissue. Please don't cry. You are a fine human being, & a wonderful parent & grandparent. It's The Kid.

It will be a blessing that you hear nothing. You certainly don't want this person showing up on your doorstep, calling you every name in the book, demanding you do this or that, telling anybody who will listen how horrible you really are. You don't want any drunk, drugged or mentally ill antics on this day. That would truly ruin your day. Don't wish it on yourself. Don't call this person. Resist the urge to email or write a letter. Save your strength for bigger battles to come if you're not done with court.

Do you want to hear how it's all your fault, for being domineering, for expecting too much, for alienating the children from their parent?

You know that you will not hear about how this adult was in jail, tried to kill the children, let a lover abuse the kids, kept a house of squalor, showed up high to a child's big event, & that you have witnesses to this event. No, as far as your adult child is concerned, you are a villain who has stolen his or her children for whatever purpose you intended by doing so.

You don't need that. Use this day instead to relax, & count the blessings you have. You might not have been able to save all the children in the world who suffer pain & neglect at the hands of those who are supposed to love them best, & your present lifestyle might not be permanent (yet). But you did manage to save one or two or three. And let's face it, the honor & privilege is ours when we get to see them grow into better people because of it.

Now take that construction paper flower and kiss the child who made it!
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Not Extreme Couponing Part IV- Bargain Safari

2011-04-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

I do coupon, but I do not extreme coupon; more like, above average coupon. I don't have the energy to chase coupons in addition to chasing kids. Get to a certain age, and it just isn't logical.

I do bargain safari. If you think you like extreme coupons, you will love bargain safaris. There are usually no jungles, but there are a lot of parking lots, and the excitement of making a big purchase of something truly useful.

A bargain safari begins with homework, much like extreme coupons. It does not, however, start with coupons.

You must first have knowledge of what your family eats, wears, likes in toiletries, uses to clean the dishes. There are just some things some families will not use or eat.

You won't see liver in our refrigerator, except for the liver sausage the Mister enjoys. There are certain soaps that cause everybody in the family to break out. There are some laundry detergents that take a whole bottle in one washload to get clothes clean. There are some toilet papers where it would be better to help oneself to the nearest newspaper instead. We don't buy those here.

Only you know what your family will not tolerate. Make a list of what they do tolerate, like and love. You can keep it in a notebook, or a spreadsheet, or orally into your cell phone. But it's needed.

You need money to bargain safari. It doesn't have to be a ton, but you will need between $75 and $200, depending on how much you intend to buy, the normal cost for items on your master list, and how much storage space you really, truly have in your residence. A calculator is a good idea to bring along.

When you have money to go on a bargain safari, do not take the grandchildren unless they can keep their mouths shut and be of use. You are better off playing the helpless senior citizen card to load the car than putting up with the grandkids' suggestions and vocal expression of their desires. Sometimes bribery is necessary, but if they can't keep quiet, don't take them.

Think about shopping around 10 AM on a weekday. The other oldsters have already hit the stores, and the young ones are at work. The stores have been restocked. Another good safari opportunity is late Sunday morning, early Sunday afternoon, if your religious views do not prohibit such activity. Avoid Saturday morning, when everybody and his uncle has a shopping cart.

Now then, you are stalking items on your master list. You are looking for the rock-bottom, absolute lowest price on these, name brand if at all possible. This will involve walking through the various departments of the stores you will shop. You might want to make a second list, a priority list. You might need SNACKS really badly, you might need TOILETRIES worse. Get those toiletries first, and get lots of them!

That's right, get LOTS of them! Can your medicine cabinet hold 10 sticks of name brand deodorant that you know everybody can use, at $1.60 a stick? BUY THEM. Can your pantry handle 6 jars of mustard if the mustard is 50 cents each? BUY THEM.

If the store where you are shopping takes coupons, by all means use them if you have them. Some of these stores have such low prices, they do not take coupons. Calculate whether it is cheaper to shop someplace on sale with the coupon, or to buy the item in bulk at the present price in the bargain store. Most of the time, but not always, you are better off buying without the coupon in the bargain store.

The most important thing of the bargain safari: When you are out of ammo, money, GO HOME. Do not spend what you saved on a meal out, a new outfit, or anything else.

These are the stores where I bargain safari. You might find similar stores in your area:

Big Lots. Big Lots buys from stores that have closed out or bought too much, and mark it way, way down. Imagine Pantene shampoo for $3, or Mitchum deodorant for $2. These are normally priced at $6 and $4, respectively, in retail stores. Big Lots combines these lot purchases with their own brands to give customers a BIG discount. Big Lots does not take coupons, but the savings is so extreme, it's worth it to bargain safari there.
Aldi. Aldi has a lot of its own brands of food, household products and toiletries that are at a rock-bottom price. Some are very good, some are so-so, and some are not worth the money. The only way to tell is by personal experimentation. Aldi also makes big purchases of brand names and sells those at ridiculous prices.
Dollar Tree. Dollar Tree has its own brands, and very seldom has name brands. Most items in the store cost $1. It does carry the occasional close-out of Comet, and is a listed as a reseller of Oxydol. Dollar Rree tends to carry a lot of Canadian lots, such Yardley, at deeply reduced prices. Like Aldi, items from Dollar Tree are a matter of personal experimentation in your family. Dollar Tree does not accept coupons.
Woodman's (HyVee). Woodman's is big, employee-owned, and a big saver. I am not impressed with Woodman's produce, but Woodman's does have big weekly savings, also close-outs. Woodman's does accept coupons. If you don't live near a Woodman's, it can be worth the drive, but pack a lunch.
Meijer. Like Woodman's, Meijer is huge, has its own gas station, and takes coupons. Unlike Woodman's, Meijer is not employee-owned. I have a love/hate relationship with Meijer. Their customer service is less than stellar. But Meijer does have great prices, and does meet the criteria for a bargain safari.

Not Extreme Couponing Part III

2011-04-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Despite the TV show Extreme Couponing, sometimes coupons are not the answer to saving money. Yes, one woman claims she's only extremed couponed for a year, and yes, she's built up a lovely stockpile and given loads of stuff to the local food pantry, and she gives God credit for the source of her thousands of coupons, stacked in milk crates in her attic. That does not mean it's going to work out for everybody that way.

These are some other things I've noticed when watching the show:

The extreme couponers spend a lot of time on their coupon conquests. All that saving doesn't magically happen by having the coupons. A couple couponers related that extreme couponing is a lot like a 40 hour job, and can often run into 70 hours a week. A grandparent who lacks energy, or needs to put that energy elsewhere, might not have 40-70 hours a week to extreme coupon.
Many hands make light work, and somebody has to lug all that stuff into the shopping carts, then into the car to transport it home, then into the house to put it all away. Do you have help to do this?
If you and your grandchildren are sharing a 2-bedroom condo, where are you going to put 1,000 packs of ramen noodles? Better use those coupons selectively, and have a plan where to stick that stuff.

Now, I think couponing is a great mind exercise, and unlike Brain Age, I don't have to sneak one of the kid's Nintendo DS to coupon. It certainly has hobby status in my mind, and to my mind does more for a brain than regular bridge or canasta tournaments. Doctors and therapists keep telling us we need to exercise our brains as we get older. Coupons provide that exercise, and throw saving money into the bargain.

But coupons are not the only way to save money. Sometimes, coupons don't save money at all, especially on items one needs when one needs them NOW. Coupons expire, and most stores do not honor expired coupons. Coupons used toward items nobody uses in your family are a waste of both time and money. There are other sources of savings.

Not Extreme Couponing Part II

2011-04-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

I do use coupons. I don't use the big coupon clippers who sell 70 to 100 coupons of one item at a time, but the little guys, such as kittyklippers and zirbco on eBay. It makes more sense to buy from a cottage industry than to go for the big packs of coupons. I do not know what I would do with 200 bottles of hand soap in pumps, anyway! I have enough junk around here without my very own collection of snack cakes or tomato sauce to an extreme.

I also try to look local when I choose those coupons. I've discovered sometimes coupons from the west coast won't work at all in local stores, or won't work for the same amount of money. Fortunately, "local" is changing as manufacturers get a clue. I am still looking for Ken's salad dressing in 8 or 9 ounce bottles, because I can buy one, get one free according to the coupon, and I have 20 coupons. I only have 5 more days to try to find them. Every store in our area carries the 16 ounce bottles, and that just doesn't work. If I don't find those bottles, I've lost $2.98 in clipper cost. I do have 10 Vienna hot dog coupons. Memorial Day is coming at the end of the month, and those hot dogs will go on sale.

I store my coupons in a binder by month, like coupons held together with paper clips, several clips in clear sheet protectors. There is no need for me to get high tech when low tech will do just fine. The later I can find an expiration date, the more of a chance I have of finding a price match-up for a sale.

On each index separator, I have a list of the coupons by expiration dates. I type the list when I have a sufficient number of coupon items for that month. I add onto the list in good old pen or pencil if I acquire more.

I keep an Excel log that essentially keeps track of how much I spend on groceries, household items and toiletries combined, including how much I spend on coupon clippers. remember, I am not buying coupons! That's against the contract on coupons. Coupons are free. It's the services of the clippers I purchase.

Not Extreme Couponing Part I

2011-04-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

As long as we are in TV mode-

In trying to save money for those silly luxuries for the second set of children, such as rent, food and clothes, a TV show might pop up on the radar. Extreme Couponing is offered several times a week on TLC, but airs its newest shows usually on Wednesdays (Right now that interferes in a big way with Justified, a much more worthy show in my opinion, and no, the kids aren't allowed to watch it).

I noticed something in watching DVRd episodes of Extreme Couponing:

The couponers buy things they don't necessarily use. Some give those items to homeless shelters and food pantries, but too many extreme couponers keep those items as trophies. When it comes to collecting items not used, that's a collection at best and hoarding at worst.
It takes a lot of space to store all that stuff. I noticed one woman used the underside of her daughter's platform bed, and kudos to her. Others have had to make over basements and garages, to the point where cars and expensive tools are shoved aside to keep the stockpile dry.
Coupon matching is crucial. If a body doesn't have an exact match-up for those particular coupons in the various ad papers in the various stores, there is no extreme savings. There can be savings, to be sure, but if you're watching them and thinking you'll get it for free as well, well, unless you have the same sales right now, um, no.
Extreme couponers often, but not always, live in areas where there is at least one store that doubles coupons up to $1. I live in an area where NOBODY doubles coupons.
Getting 70 coupons of one item cost money, in that one either has to use the gas to go dumpster diving, the shoe leather to go collecting coupons off people's doorsteps (Are you SURE he doesn't want to keep them?), or paying a coupon-clipping service. If the coupons aren't used, then the price of those coupons should be added into the monthly total spent. It only makes sense that despite purchase, sometimes it is better not to use a coupon.

Call me cynical. The twin sisters in my neck of the woods who collected diapers for one even though she had no children floored me. WHY? Why waste the space? And here's a news flash: Even diapers break down, as does toothpaste. Diapers are paper and plastic made to break down in landfills. Toothpaste, like mayonnaise, is an emulsion that separates in time.

All this TV publicized thrift, combined with attending classes with the Girl Scouts through Chasing4Life, did made me consider the thought that it would be a good idea to have a stockpile of necessary stuff.

I'm not LDS, but I have always been an admirer to a degree of any religious group that could feed itself and others in such a practical, American fashion of home storage; that is, provided the members remember FIFO (first in, first out) and keep tabs on the expiration dates. I have heard tales of mold and other nastiness creeping into those stockpiles of two years' worth of food and necessities. We won't discuss the canning plants run by the LDS, simply state that they are there for their members who choose to use them, and the food I've tasted from these plants has been pretty good.

I must admit, the older I get, the less I like shopping for the mundane items, such as toothpaste, crushed tomatoes, popcorn and butter. It's nice to be able to get off one's haunches and simply meander to the shelves or the big freezer for deodorant, ice cream or ham, instead of walking to the store or worse, driving to the store.

Chasing4Life has a point about being prepared for an emergency. I've sat through 2 hurricanes (count 'em) and more than my share of blizzards (I didn't always live North), and watched people suffer without stuff or money to immediately buy new stuff or get silly luxuries such as water. When we made the emergency kits, much to the kids' delight, I did insist that they NOT be stored in bucket-style containers with lids, ala Rubbermaid and Sterlite, but in backpacks with frames or new garbage cans with wheels. What if the car doesn't work? Who is walking lugging tubbies? I also insist we rotate the stock in the emergency kits via FIFO, which I first learned as a crew member for Mikky D's a long, long, long time ago.

And I am trying my best to keep my pledge to lower the cost of food, household support items and toiletries to 25% less than last year, despite rising gas prices that cause rising food prices. $7041 in a year is a lot of money to spend on anything, but on dish soap and potatoes it's surreal. I know my kids are hitting that age where they will eat us out of house and home, so it only makes sense to stock up.

But stockpiling stuff we don't use? Illogical!

Space Study & Pawn Stars Have the Right Stuff for Home Education

2011-04-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

"Look, there's Gus Grissom!"

"I don't know how Corey can't know those signatures! Look, Gene Kranz!"

"He can't even pronounce 'Wally Schirra' properly! Next time we go to Vegas, can we go to Gold & Silver and buy that?"

Our family does not go to Vegas as a matter of course; in fact, our kids have never been to Vegas. But we are faithful viewers of "Pawn Stars" on the History Channel, DVRing it for later viewing in the daytime. The girls have suggested several times that we take a family trip to Nevada, and of course the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop would be on our list of things to see, right next to Hoover Dam and the Ethel M factory tour.

We watch the show for a variety of reasons. I like the Old Man, as we both spent time in Uncle Sam's Yacht Club (the Navy). The Mister likes the weapons and Tortuga Trading. The kids, while fascinated at the 1950s items, usually watch it for ChumLee's antics, or to see if Big Hoss will make a crazy buy. Everybody likes Rick, who seems to have the job of ringmaster someplace in his job description.

But we never expected to have the serendipitous fortune of having an episode tie into our home education study of NASA and the space program, which has tended to go off in tangents at times in any event.

We started our study not because of some deep love of space, or physics, or even history. Blame this one on Baby's recent fascination with Clint Eastwood. After studying the Spaghetti Western and 1970s Police genre for Humanities, we sought to combine her interests with Belle's interest in sci-fi. The result: Space Cowboys, possibly the best movie in 2000.

Space Cowboys could not be appreciated without viewing Apollo 13. Apollo 13 could not be appreciated without the Right Stuff. And the Right Stuff was the perfect interjection of the old folks in the house!

Yes indeed, kiddies, we lived the adventure of Freedom 7. We knew the heartbreak of the Apollo fire. We know where we were when Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon (I was watching Cubs baseball, of course). It came to us in black and white TV via CBS, NBC and ABC, the only major networks at the time. No, the cable industry was subjected to burial by the theater industry, and wouldn't resurrect itself until the early 1970s. The appearance of an astronaut at some public function was like an audience with Paul VI, Queen Elizabeth II and the Beatles combined!

Apparently, our stories sparked enough interest to perform research on how the first rockets were launched, the differences between each of the three original NASA astronaut programs, to the point where the kids asked to learn to do better, faster research. There are still model rockets to be made, and a research report on their favorite astronaut.

It was not Space Cowboys that won the Retread Parent Film Festival, but Apollo 13. They sat on the edge of the sofa, holding their collective breath at each twist and turn. They paused the DVD, then slowly paced through the panels to see just what it was the NASA engineers were using to build a CO2 filter. They then debated whether they could have done the same, why a tube sock was or wasn't a good idea, and whether duct tape had been invented by NASA (it was not). They held printouts of production notes in their hands, and cheered when they discovered Jim Lovell's cameo in the film as skipper of the Iwo Jima.

So when it came time to rev up the DVR for this episode of "Pawn Stars" they were somewhat experts of the knowledge of which astronauts and crew were part of the Gemini missions, and whose signatures should have been on the photograph brought in for sale. While they could not have authenticated the signatures (that would be Drew Max), they certainly knew who should or should not have signed the danged thing.

Perhaps we can take a field trip to Vegas in October, when the Vegas tourist season changes. We're not bound by the schedule of the brick-and-mortar schools, and there are other activities there besides gambling (although the kids learned to count cards somewhere- but that's another story). It might be nice to at least look at the Gemini photograph, and have them call out the signatures, and tell a little something about each astronaut or engineer.

For now, maybe we can make a trip to Jim Lovell's restaurant.

(For more great blog posts, see this week's Carnival of Homeschooling @http://www.eduwrit.com/blog/?p=2867.)

Saving Money, Coupons, and Do They Really Eat That Much?

2011-03-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Does it seem as if all you do is buy food for your grandkids? Even the little ones eat, and eat, and eat! It's seems as if it didn't cost this much when you were raising their parent, although you do remember the time Waldo munched his way through the contents of your freezer in his early teens during a growth spurt. Add to this the fact that, as you get older, you probably aren't eating as much as you used to eat in a meal. Your doctor might even have you on six small meals a day instead of the standard 3 squares you used to cook when you raised your first set of kids.

There's no question that kids EAT. It also shouldn't shock you that it cost a LOT more to feed the little goobers. If you are not prepared for the change in your market habits as well as the cost you will incur, well, sit down, call your doctor and see if you need some more blood pressure medication.

I spent $7041 last year on not just groceries, but napkins, paper towels, styro plates, disposable plastic utensils, toilet paper, paper lunch sacks, plastic wrap, foil, plastic bags for sandwiches, plastic bags for snacks (smaller), plastic bags for freezing produce (larger), wine and other adult beverages, dish detergent, dishwasher detergent, laundry detergent, bleach, fabric softener, scrub pads, and cat food. Some people separate the non-edibles and pet supplies from the real food. I don't. I buy them all at the same places, despite what late 20th century how-to books on budgeting say about the matter. That's about $585 a month on average.

When it comes to fresh produce, I buy only what we will use if it is not on extreme sale, or try to buy a minimum, anyway. Everything else, I try to bring it home and freeze it. I am thinking of a second freezer, along with the one in my garage (upright), as well as the one attached to my refrigerator. If prices are low enough on a produce item, such as they were on green beans this past week, I will buy a lot of it and freeze it.

I shop sales almost religiously. I have a sense on when the best sales are for particular items at particular times of the year. And I am guilty, guilty, guilty of buying items some people would never consider purchasing, such as styro plates, plastic bags and soda pop. I suppose I could go to GFS or some other wholesaler and get those deep-sided heavy paper trays that are green-friendly. I suppose I could bring my own bags; thing is, I never remember them, and it's a whole lot easier to make a lunch and toss it into a very recyclable lunch sack. I'm not getting any younger.

My first store of choice: Big Lots. That's right, Big Lots. Yes, shopping must occur there with a watchful eye, but you'd be surprised what you can find there. My second store of choice: Walmart. My third store of choice: A local grocery that has some really good sales and specializes in Italian foods.

I am not above buying day-old bread, and scavenge the "last chance" produce cart. Due to freezing temperatures, for example, tomatoes and bell peppers are priced twice to three times what they cost last year. However, I scrounged a few pounds of tomatoes at 49 cents a pound, and 99 cents a pound on bell peppers. The tomatoes don't freeze well, but the bell peppers do and did. I have a shelf on my freezer with organic baguettes I picked up on closeout for 50 cents each.

Big Lots does not take manufacturer coupons, more the pity. Walmart and my Italian grocer do. I freely admit that I have not always coupon'd well, and am just starting again. My kiddos are afraid I am going to turn into one of those people on "Extreme Couponing" and make them sleep with shelves of stuff we will never use. That isn't likely to happen, as I only get coupons for what we will use, and try not to let our decor reflect a taste in Early Warehouse.

It doesn't hurt any of us to trim our budgets. When it comes to raising a second set of kids, it's a necessity.

In Praise of the Legal Profession

2011-03-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've discovered most people hire lawyers under extreme duress. This is often not the best time to hire an attorney, but often the most critical. Folks depend on attorneys at this time, when their lives, or the lives of loved ones, are at stake, and to be decided by a judge or a jury.

There are jokes about attorneys, their cut-throat business sense, their evil ways in the courtroom, their lack of honesty and integrity. Yet, most people would not want to enter a courtroom without one at their sides.

I'm here to tell you lawyers put their pants on one leg at a time, same as the rest of us. Yes, they charge money for their services, money which is their due for their expertise. Most are not out to cheat their clients. Some are generous with their time and give back to the community through pro bono work (free access to their services).

The older I get, the more I seem to end up in courtroom situations, thankfully not in the criminal courts, but in civil courts. These instances have ranged from accusations of a delicate nature (proven to be unfounded and untrue), to a bottom-feeder collection agency trying to make us pay a bill that was not ours (They did not expect us to show up in court with evidence to the contrary). The Mister and I were able to get by without an attorney in two of them. The first time we were able to do so was due to the law in that state working toward pro se, or self-represented, law. The second instance was because the case was small claims and I had time to deal with it.

Only once did we have a truly bad attorney. He took our money and did absolutely nothing, including not speaking with the other party's representation and not showing up for court. He then blabbed confidential information about us over his supper table. We knew because his kid went to school with our kid, and his kid used some of the information to taunt our kid. It is no surprise that he no longer practices law, and it is no surprise that yours truly made it her business to make sure he curtailed his law practice.

When a grandparent discovers the need for an attorney to assist in the process of custody or adoption of a grandchild, the stress is even greater. A child's life, a child's future is at stake. The parent in question may be abusive not only to the child, but to the concerned grandparent, in order to intimidate that grandparent into dropping the whole matter. It's never a good time to spend what could amount to thousands of dollars, and one's golden years are not one of the best times to peer down the path of so many more years of raising a child. Some people feel intimidated by courts in general and attorneys in particular. They think of TV shows and celebrity court cases. The legal system is not as user-friendly as it should be, and is a mystery to a lot of people. An attorney, therefore, is not a luxury, but a necessity a great deal of the time.

It seems a good time to point out that while the attorney you hire is on your team because of his or her expertise, you are hiring an attorney. The attorney will work for you. Odds are the attorney will represent your grandchild's best interest only as a side effect (peripherally). YOU are the party going to court to ask that something be done (petition). YOU are the one being represented through the attorney, because you probably don't know a dang thing about the law, especially as it pertains to custody of your grandchild.

Should your relationship with the attorney be that of other people you hire, such as lawn mowers, housekeepers or repair people? No. You will be the prospective attorney's client. The attorney is not your hired hand, your lackey or your hairdresser. But you should expect some courtesy and respect as somebody paying big bucks to solve a big problem.

So, how do you hire an attorney?

Attorneys are people, with their own personalities and approaches to the Law. Think about your own personality before you interview.
Don't be swayed by ads in the phone book or on the Internet. There some attorneys out there with big ads who don't do anything but hand off cases to associates, who may or may not be good at what they do. Do your homework BEFORE you meet attorneys for initial interviews. Google their names, to be sure there aren't a lot of complaints on various web sites from people who have not had good results from this attorney or that. One or two complaints is not an issue, because not everybody gets along, and a few people have extreme expectations of what an attorney can accomplish. But if you see repeated complaints, steer clear.
Also check your local state attorney disciplinary board. Many states have databases where prospective clients can research prospective attorneys for actions against them by the state. Yes, you can check the Better Business Bureau, and word-of-mouth has its own benefits. But there are a minority of shark lawyers out there, and if your state has had to discipline one of your prospective attorneys, think twice about hiring such a person.
When you have a list of possible attorneys, set up appointments to interview them. Many attorneys give this initial interview free of charge, or for a minimal ($50-$100) fee.
If you feel uncomfortable in the interview process, take along a trusted relative or friend.
Write a brief summary of what you hope to accomplish, and what evidence you have to support your desire. This will keep things on track, and you won't waste the attorney's or your time.
Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. Don't hold back information on the case in question when asked particular questions.
Be conversational, but don't tell the attorney your life story. This is not a therapy session.
Remember that age should not be a factor when choosing an attorney. An older, seasoned attorney might just feel you have no business giving up your golden years to raise a child, while a younger attorney might just be the ticket to representing you against an equally young respondent.
Go ahead and ask HOW MUCH WILL THIS COST. The specifics you should learn at the interview are general guidelines on the retainer and rate per hour. The retainer is money paid up-front, much like a deposit. The rate per hour is then subtracted from the retainer.
Some attorneys will want the projected entire amount in advance before they commit to do any work on the case. Some attorneys will take a small retainer, subtract their hourly rate from that, and expect either a monthly replenishment of the retainer or a new retainer when funds are exhausted. Some attorneys charge a flat rate per hour. Some attorneys charge less if their paralegals do the work. ASK.
If a particular attorney does not want to represent you, he or she will tell you. Don't press him or her. Thank him or her and go on to the next attorney. This particular attorney may not have the expertise in family law to handle your case well. He or she may have interviewed with or represented your adult child recently, and there's a conflict of interest. It might be a simple matter of timing. Law schools turn out more attorneys every year. You'll be able to find one, never fear.

Once you have found the attorney for you, do your best with this business relationship to keep things on an even keel:

There will be an exchange of very personal information with the attorney on your part, but it is a BUSINESS relationship. Do not drive your attorney crazy with constant phone calls, every little thing that bothers you, and every antic your adult child pulls to try to get you to stop your case. Good attorneys have experience in people skills, but they are not psychologists. And remember, every minute you spend on the phone with your attorney or the paralegal cost money. It's a good time to get a therapist or join a support group, anyway.
The converse is also true. Tell your attorney when the unusual or an emergency happens. Examples of such emergencies are being threatened with physical harm by your adult child, kidnapping of the grandchild by the adult child, private detectives on your front lawn, harassing phone calls, stalking.
Pay your attorney bills, on time. I knew of a young man who tried to stiff his attorney-mediator. It ended badly for him in court. Attorneys have families and expenses, and are not made of money.
Seriously consider your attorney's advice to you and then DO WHAT HE OR SHE TELLS YOU TO DO. You are paying for expertise here.
Show up for court dates before the time set, in appropriate attire. This is not the time to show how young Grandma looks in her spandex pants, or how nice Grandpa's gold chains look against his chest hair.
When you have court orders, follow your attorney's advice on how to comply with those orders. Again, the attorney was hired for expertise. If you have questions, ASK.

The Four Topics of Grandparental Parenting

2011-03-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of private comments via email, even if I don't have a strong readership. That's OK. I'm not out here to make a big splash for myself. I am here to help relatives, especially grandparents, with a a sad situation that occurs too often in the United States, that of parenting grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc., whether for a short time of the long haul.

Toward that end, there seem to be four consistent topics that pop up every time:

How to get and keep custody of such children.
How to pay for the upkeep of such children.
How to function daily to raise such children, especially with the problems of aging, such as lower energy and physical imparity.
Contact with the absent parent, especially when that parent has either been abusive or obnoxious to the caregiving relative.

Those are the four topics I shall cover at this point. If I have to delve off into my own extended family, I shall do so only on rare occasion and out of necessity. They really need no further attention.

"Morally and Ethically"

2011-01-17T18:37:00.001-08:00

Some time ago, way back when I started blogging, I mentioned my sister who thought she knew more than anybody else. That same sister in the past week or so has posted through an Internet forum that I am "more than a few fries short of a picnic" and that I have delusions.

I am investigating the possibility of a lawsuit, primarily because everybody knows this is my sister, despite the use of a pseudonym. They therefore know that I am her only elder sister.

She claimed that "morally and ethically" there was nothing she could do about these alleged delusions I have. When I asked the Mister, a genuine philosophy professor, what one could mean by that, he said he didn't know, as my sister used the terms incorrectly.

To ease my own mind, let me state for the record that my sister lives on a farm with her husband, some 15 years her junior. One of her biggest brags is that they do not have water-supported toilets on this farm, but they defecate on some sort of composting device that uses sawdust. She and her husband later deposit the waste in their compost pile, along with dead animals and animal parts they have harvested from a variety of places, including deer road kill. This is what they use as fertilizer on their crops.

One of her biggest brags in the forum in question is that when our nephew visited with our brother, she showed him how to kill a rabbit, decapitate it and skin it. She thought it was hilarious to parade the living rabbits' procreation in front of the then 16 year old boy. She refers to her freezer where she stores the dead rabbits as "freezer camp".

Quite the contrast.

Also, for the record, we did not obtain the children currently in our care without having to subject ourselves to a home visit and psychological evaluation. We were repeatedly praised by various examiners not only for our clean home and solid mental state, but for raising children that were free from a great deal of the mental and physical problems that often are encountered by neglected children.

And yes, we have toilets supplied with plenty of running water.

A two-wheeled experience.

2010-05-06T07:00:00.001-07:00

There are many experiences and items we have provided for our second set of children along the way. We have ensured their education. We have hauled them to concerts, plays, cultural enrichment events, scouts, grass in the yard, single home versus apartment or condo. If it even appeared good for them, we were on it, and they were in it.

Yet, somehow, we forgot to take the training wheels off the bikes.

We should have noticed last year, when they were riding with their knees and thighs out on either side. Belle did seem a bit uncomfortable, but with the Mister's illness the year before that, and moving, and the adoption, we never got around to purchasing and then teaching them to ride a two-wheel bicycle without training wheels. The bikes of three years ago just don't fit the children of today.

Santa Claus was wise enough to supply two dirt bikes this year.

He was also informed when he asked at the North Pole (wink, wink) in the bicycle department, that basically, girls ride the same bikes as boys when it comes to street bikes. Santa was eying a rather large, cumbersome lavender and pink bike, with a basket streamers on the handlebars. Santa was informed by the elf in the blue polo shirt that the bike Santa favored was for older women in their golden years, a nostalgia bicycle. If Santa was shopping for a girl in the 8-12 age bracket, it would be better if he looked at the fire red or sparkle indigo, low to the ground, the banana seat making its appearance from the 1960s, and no basket or bell. What was Santa to do? He took one of each, with matching helmets.

Both bikes and helmets were well-received Christmas morning. A few days later, they were moved to the garage. The bikes have stayed in the garage until warmer weather. And now warmer weather is here.

"We have perfectly good bikes in the garage, and can't ride them." complained Baby.

"I can get a wrench and take the training wheels off the old bikes, and put them on the new bikes " volunteered Belle.

So, with the Mister enjoying a rare day off, we are off to right this wrong in a local parking lot that is basically unused all day. He will hold up each bike, as he did for the kids' elder brother and sister, who used to be their uncle and mother. After we are sure they can handle it, we will allow them to gradually, week by week, expand their traveling boundaries, until they are free to explore the subdivision.

Tomatoes, green beans and daisies, OH MY!

2010-04-19T06:36:00.001-07:00

We started plants indoors last month. For those of you who live in warmer climates, we start ours indoors to give them a chance to grow before removing them to the outdoors and the elements. If we did not, the growing season would not yield all that it could.

This year, we tried starting plants in paper egg cartons. Despite our best efforts to keep them warm and moist, the seeds did not pop up, even after three weeks. We put the prepared dirt in a bag, and the egg cartons in the recycling bin. Then we took a trip to the big-box store.

We bought 2 (count 'em) Jiffy Starter Greenhouses, along with new seeds. We got the kits home and followed the directions, only starting 144 little plants, having loads of seeds leftover for a second batch, even a third. We started green beans, tomatoes, watermelons, pumpkins, cucumbers, bell peppers, daisies and cosmos.

While we were at it, the kids wanted to try to plant directly in a planter, covering the planter with plastic wrap and keeping it moist, just like the Jiffy Greenhouse. OK, fine. And I remembered the trick of sprouting seeds on a plate covered with damp paper towels, then covering with a clear dish or plastic wrap. That experiment was tried, as well.

Below are photos of the greenhouses and paper towel sprouts. Both greenhouses look prety much the same, so I only inserted one. The direct planters are a bust.

Grant total: $1952. Why would we do this?

2010-03-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

Owing to the fact that there are simply some things that cannot be obtained for absolutely rock-bottom all of the time, I have managed to cut the distance learning budget by about 45% versus last year, and put more "stuff" into the curriculum. Again, the price for Catholic school in our area with all the bells and whistles is about $7,000. The price for school-in-a-box with advisory service for our family is $2500 this year, not including extra first-run novels, field trips, school supplies, etc. That brings the total for prepacked school to about $3500.

It is a very straight-forward plan of study, and a pretty straight-forward budget:

RELIGION- Yes we teach this subject, in addition to modeling it and using our parish's religious education program. Catholicism is simple on the surface, but has 2,000+ years of depth. We purchased "Christ Our Life" by Loyola used. Our children did not attend religious education at our parish this year, but left an excellent Catholic school a year ago, and live in a family that practices our Faith. Total with rel. ed. is $310.
MATH- We went ahead and got Digital Interactive Video Education for Saxon Math for ALL the Saxon middle school books, from Math 54 to Algebra I. We spent a lot on the math budget, but that's it until Belle is ready for high school. Total: $310.
SCIENCE- Middle school science needn't be expensive. As a guide, we are using Steck Vaughn's Strategies for Success: Science. We also have on hand the Kingfisher's Science Encyclopedia. We also have a great library, and our television package includes a lot of good science-based programs. There are many offerings to outsource science in our area, including STEM through the Girl Scouts (counted as a field trip, 5 solid hours of intense education). Total: $40, with chemicals.
READING- Novels. Lots of them. Steck-Vaughn Reading Comprehension, one of which had to be purchased new. Our library again allows a vast array of reading materials into our home. Total: $146.
CRITICAL THINKING- A good indicator of a good school. Used software, used Mind Bender books, used Steck Vaughn Critical Thinking books, and our very own critical thinking professor (the Mister) keeps costs on this down to $18.
VOCABULARY- I don't like modern spellers. I simply don't think they do enough to teach spelling. I prefer vocabulary work, which includes spelling, and I recommend Vocabulary in Action by Loyola. Total: $24.
LANGUAGE GRAMMAR AND USAGE- We call it LUG. Loyola Press produces two excellent texts to emphasize LUG, Voyages In English and Exercises In English. We also own several manuals of style, but we would have those anyway, and they are easily located online. Total: $31.
HISTORY- I personally feel schools lost educational power when History, Geography, Civics and Culture were lumped into Social Studies and given one value of hours spent. Yes, they intertwine. No, they are not the same subjects. This school year, we are going to study ancient history from the beginning of time to 400 AD. Our local library offers many resources for this. We did feel the need to purchase the Kingfisher History Encyclopedia, used, along with Oxford First Ancient History. Grand total: $43.
GEOGRAPHY- Considering how many people in the United States do not know that the metro area of the District of Columbia includes parts of Virginia, Maryland, Delaware and West Virginia, even a smidgen of Pennsylvania, makes Geography a priority here. Once again, Steck Vaughn's well executed Maps, Globes and Graphs, along with Kingfisher's Geography Encyclopedia were purchased used, $32.
CIVICS- There are a surprising amount of freebies to teach Civics on the Internet.
CULTURE- Steck Vaughn's World Cultures Past and Present, with research through our local library and online. $12.
COMPOSITION- Composition is another victim of combined studies, usually folded into English, studied once a year, reinforced throughout for sure in better schools, but not studied as it should be. I did take some courses in elementary and middle school composition, from several very good teachers. The first thing that each instructor related was that kids need to write DAILY. Toward that end, we use writing prompts, in a spiral notebook, number of lines or words determined by age and ability. These are evaluated for further projects. The Mister and I also feel research is neglected in the younger years, and then scholars are expected to simply learn how to put together a research paper in late middle school, again in late high school. Finally, we do not have Accelerated Reader service, as Renaissance Learning does not offer services to families in individual education programs, and quite frankly, because we think Accelerated Reader is pretty useless as a reading teaching tool. It is fine for brick-and-mortar schools that need statistical data to present to parents and school boards. However, it does not teach anything that reading a book and writing a solid book report will not counter- in fact, less than that. Total cost on Composition:$0.
PENMANSHIP- Look at the handwriting of young adults in the 18-30 age bracket. Part of this is the lack of expectation Society seemed to foster during the 1900s-2000s. Part of this is lack of penmanship skill beyond the third grade. We use the Writing Our Catholic Faith series. $24.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE- We broke out the big bucks on this. Public schools do not teach foreign languages in our area until sixth grade. Private schools do not teach anything but Spanish until high school, and then usually only by fifth grade. This year, we are having a good foundation for other languages as well as English with the Christina Latina series, starting with Prima Latina. Belle would like to learn Spanish, and Baby would like to learn French. Used Rosetta Stone for both Spanish and French! Our local library as well as one of the Mister's client schools give access to Mango and other sources of foreign language study. $367.
FIELD TRIPS- We budgeted $300 for fees as well as transportation.
UNIFORMS- I discussed this in another entry. We will spend about $200 on khaki-style pants, plain polo shirts, a nice blouse or two, skirts, socks, sweaters and dress shoes. These clothes wear like iron, wash and dry well, and always look nice. If you want to see what uniform clothes can do for your children, visit French Toast, Lands End or Penneys.
SCHOOL SUPPLIES- We buy them starting in July, when they go on deep discount. Nobody is claiming the leftover supplies for a classroom communal locker, as frequently happens in brick-and-mortar schools. Nobody is forcing scholars to pitch old materials in a frenzy of cleaning to be ready of the last day of school. There is no prohibition against re-using school supplies acquired in prior years, such as protractors, ring binders, rulers, flash drives, etc. Total budgeted cost: $100.

Now, why on earth would a woman in her fifties choose to stay home with a group of children, albeit her grandchildren cum children, and facilitate their instructional needs? Do the public schools not exist? What about Catholic schools? Christian schools? Private schools?

When we adopted our grandchildren, we decided public school, excepting for special needs if possible, was not a good idea. We previously raised children, and find that in our area, public schools have not gotten better over time.

Too many aspects of public education have been federalized. Too many prejudices exist against teaching children to read early, teaching children other languages early, allowing children to work independently at their own rate of speed. We do not accept global warming as proven science, yet there it is, being taught all over our area, and being taught as THE ONLY accepted truth. We want our children to hear as many scientific theory as possible, not just outdated Darwinism, certainly not only global warming out of context.

We do not care if Jennifer has two daddies at her house, and are sick of hearing about Heather having two mommies. Why does anything have to be said about Jennifer's and Heather's home life, anymore than anything needs to be said about Belle having grandparents for parents? All the time taken up with worrying about whether or not double-daddy and double-mommy families get fair treatment (and they often get much more than fair treatment), instead of modeling how to behave properly through good, old-fashioned etiquette, could be used to teach a foreign language. All the time spent on parental education through children could be used to teach extra math, extra science, and perhaps extra physical education, or even (gasp!) reinstate recess. We would then not only produce better educated and better mannered children in public schools, we would take care of a large portion of the alleged childhood obesity problem we hear so much these days. The rest of that could be solved by walking to school, no matter the weather unless severe.

Simply because our children are also our grandchildren does not mean they need to be enrolled in therapy, certainly not at the hands of the public school system. Just because our children were abandoned does not mean they were crack babies, fetal alcohol syndrome victims, or victims of extreme physical abuse. Their quirks and idiosyncrasies might mean they need a little work on their social skills, but they do not need to sit in special education five days a week- not with those IQs! Yet, in our state, gifted and talented students receive very little from public schools, unless parents are cut-throat and willing to go out and get it for their children.

Christian schools are nice. As Catholics, some are way too evangelical, in that they consider our children fair game to evangelize away from Catholicism. They average about the same price or more than local Catholic schools.

We have gone over our objections to the local Catholic schools, and don't wish to hash through them again. Let us simply say that we feel they are not the value they should be for the money and effort to send our children to them.

Brick-and-mortar schools of any variety do not offer the flexibility of distance learning. Every school we checked, and we checked over 25 schools in the area, has maybe four field trips per year. We have utilized our metropolitan area to go on no less than 11 field trips, and that's slacking in my opinion. When a scholar in our school wants to use a computer, he or she does it. If the kids want to learn something more in-depth, we do it. If we want to start the new school year in April for one scholar, and June for the other, and do work all the way through summer just as adults work all summer, so be it.

I understand there are grandparents who need to work just to put food on the table and a roof over the grandchildren's heads. I understand how blessed I am to have the Mister, who not only goes out there and brings in the first income, but is there for emotional and spiritual support. I am not saying ALL public schools are horrible, ALL Catholic schools are less than stellar, ALL Christian schools could use more work.

The Great Curriula Purchase Continues- $536 vs. $3500 vs. $7000

2010-03-16T03:27:00.000-07:00

When I did my calculations last time, I forgot those extra things that move education out of the books and into the space of everyday time. These items include school supplies (crayons, pencils, pens and all that), "school" clothes (purchased at various uniform supply houses), field trip money (a big chunk of change for the distance learner) and purchased fiction (versus borrowed from the library). That would bring last year's total to a whopping $3500. It's still cheaper than the local private schools average of $7,000. And so far, I have only spent $536.

Interesting items purchased so far:

Theras and His Town. A book about an ancient Athenian boy who, due to circumstances beyond his control, is moved to Sparta, and the results thereof. $14, with free delivery. We will all study Ancient History next year, so Theras could get multiple use as a read-aloud, a novel study, and a conversation starter.
I found Vocabulary in Action used for one child for $9, with shipping. It is everything I hoped, spelling well beyond memorizing the words and performing busy work.
Math Digital Interactive Video Education, or DIVE. How interactive it is I don't know, as it is an instructor teaching mathematics. However, if the Mister's busy schedule does not permit him to fully interact on every single lesson, it'll be nice to have back-up for Algebra for Belle. Belle already looks askance when I do my best but flub a mathematical explanation. These are pricey, $50 beyond the Saxon bundle for each year of classes. They are a good investment, as they are reusable. I picked up one for $30 with the ship, and another for $24.
We decided to pick up ALL the Saxon Math bundles from the second edition, from Math 54 to Algebra I. If Belle or Baby need to review some of the particulars which happened to by-pass them in the past, we will be ready. If Belle continues to devour math and requires more in-depth knowledge, we will also be ready. By next year, we hope to find Belle an online credit class for Algebra II. I've spent $86 on Saxon books, and only need a teacher's edition for Math 87 to complete what we need thus far. That same set new would cost over $1,000. As I'm not sure I like the way Houghton Mifflin is taking the Saxon math series, I think we are getting a good set while the gettin' is good.
A used copy of Maps, Globes and Graphs for World Geography came in at $12 with shipping. It is not so used, as it does have modern political maps.
The Oxford First Ancient History swam the Atlantic from the UK for $25.
The Well-Trained Mind, second edition. While I am not as strict as Mother and Daughter Wise (I have no problem integrating heavy use of software and video into our curricula, for example), it serves as a good guide. I paid $15 with shipping.

I am having a rough way to go With Math U See. It is not cheap by any measure, new or used. I only just read their stewardship packet, and that didn't thrill me. I may just end up purchasing manipulatives as we go along.

Rosetta Stone for French, Spanish and possibly German or Irish (Gaelic) is also going to be a slow purchase. It is not cheap to begin, currently $229 new for just Level One. The cheapest I have seen Level One on an auction site is $99. Our local library does offer Mango services for free, but that is more of an enrichment than a complete course. I confess, I translate other languages well, but my accent in any language excepting English and German stinks. I sound just like the American I am in French, and Spanish comes out with a Texas drawl, thanks to my military experience. I haven't tried Gaelic beyond "Slante" and other quaint sayings and short songs.

I am finally debating the value of a Discovery Education subscription. I've seen what Discovery Education can do in a classroom setting. I know one classroom teacher who uses it almost exclusively, using her textbook as a guide rather than the main material. I know the content offered classroom teachers astonished me at the time I recommended it. For $265, individual families can access Discovery Education Homeschool and tap into its rich resources of 50,000 video clips, assessment via state standards for content, and interactive training with master teachers.

On the other hand, our family already pays for a medium premium package for interactive, VoIP TV. The Discovery channels are included in the package. We regularly DVR such shows as MythBusters, Dogs 101, Sci-Fi Science, How It's Made, etc. for use in our lessons as enrichment.

We also get content from stations that are not part of the Discovery channels, and are not offered through Discovery Education. Alton Brown offers kitchen science on a regular basis, particularly in his older shows, and Food Network isn't even a part of the Discovery channels. NASA has some great content. Green Screen Adventures is home-grown in the studios of WCIU. Grammar Girl is online, along with Legal Lad and Math Dude.

I don't need to belong to a user group of classroom teachers, and use their lesson plans. Too often, classroom lesson plans just won't work in a distance learning environment. I don't need to worry about my state's standards, as we surpass them. If I want to see those standards, my state provides a web site. Every time I go to that web site and check out what little is expected of public school children in my children's age group, I shudder.

Discovery also offers content we don't consider educational and wouldn't use because of its political bias. It is fine to want to keep the world clean, but it can be taken to extremes. Somebody needs to tell Bill Nye that global warming is a theory, and not a proven one at that. History Channel needs to remember that Dan Brown's book, the DaVinci Code, is fiction and has no real basis in the history of the Catholic Church, along with Nostradamus' predictions. It seems only the Military Channel gets it right when it comes to history as it happened, without political slant. We saw what happened with H1N1. We won't be needing emergency preparedness offered in Discovery Education content, especially for weapon attacks on schools.

I know. All that content at the touch of my fingers. I can pick and choose, and not have to wait for certain holidays or anniversaries to DVR. We'll see.

Green Screen Adventures- Chicago TV's Grandchild

2010-03-03T15:05:00.001-08:00

If green screen technology had been used for Bozo's Circus, Ray Rayner and Friends, Here's Geraldine, Kiddie-A-Go-Go, Dirty Dragon and Kukla, Fran and Ollie, the cost to produce such shows would have been much less. There would have been no need for big backdrops and changes of scenery. The stars of such shows could have effectively traveled the globe without fear of paying for airline tickets and hotels.

Chroma key technology existed in some form, according to Wikipedia, as well as my 1958 Book of Knowledge (let me know if you want to make a hectograph- it contains directions), as far back as the 1930s. The show the Flying Nun used it a great deal.

What's this got to do with raising kids the second time around?

Green Screen Adventures is a home-grown show broadcast on Weigel Broadcasting stations. Kids from second through eighth grades produce artwork, scripts, and creative writing projects. The Green Screen Adventures team accepts submissions, and applies chroma key to worthy submissions, airing them at various times on Weigel stations. There are fourteen Weigel stations, and at least eight of those could utilize Green Screen Adventures effectively.

What makes Green Screen Adventures so great? It involves the kids, instead of allowing them to sit passively watching the show. Say what you will about the hokey sets of Bozo and Garfield Goose, Ray Rayner's battle with Chelveston the Duck, or the lack of craftsmanship when Burr Tillstrom manufactured Kukla. These shows worked not because of Clutch Cargo, Funny Company and Diver Dan cartoons, but because the human actors involved their audience, the kids. It's the same with Green Screen Adventures. The Golden Age of Chicago Television would well recognize her grandchild in Green Screen Adventures.

Weigel Broadcasting has stations in South Bend, Milwaukee and Rockford. WMLW Milwaukee runs Green Screen Adventures, as does South Bend WCWW, and Chicago WCIU, WWME, WMEU and ThisTV. Both Milwaukee and Chicago are large cities that are very close together, with many suburbs that consider themselves a part of both cities. There are students in Catholic and other parochial schools, other public schools, private schools, distance learners, home schoolers who would greatly benefit from Green Screen Adventures.

Yet, WCIU said it only presented Chicago Public School students' work. So I emailed Green Screen Adventures, and got this reply:

Thanks for your interest in Green Screen Adventures and for encouraging your children to write - it is a skill that will last a lifetime.

We accept submissions nationwide. Any school, any child.
Online at www.greenscreenadventures.tv you'll find submission info and parental release forms.

"We began the program working primarily with Chicago Public Schools, but, as we've grown, we have expanded our audience. We now accept work from elementary students from across the country and are now televised nationally on THIStv, in addition to our local channels."

Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any further questions

Thanks for your email.

##############
Associate Producer
Green Screen Adventures
Weigel Broadcasting

Why are you waiting? Get busy! Watch, write something, submit! This is a GREAT show, and great fun, besides! And be sure to watch with those kiddos!

So Far- $229 On Curriculum Items

2010-03-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

Our current curriculum, with the grading and advice, cost us $2,440.00. Compared to the local Catholic schools, it is about 1/3 of the cost. It has everything, including pencil cases, paints, paper and compasses. Yet, as you have read from previous entries, it is boring, rather repetitive, and doesn't always make sense in light of a distance learning program. It is truly school-in-a-box.

We asked those who are being educated, and they wanted to continue distance learning, just not in the format of the school-in-a-box. This made a great deal of sense, but did it mean a great deal more money?

Taking into consideration all needs and requirements, along with desires, I have been shopping online at various stores, looking at good materials versus average materials. I then located what I could of these materials through second-hand shops, both online and 3-dimensional, as well as the places some people like to hate, eBay, Gipper's List, and Craig's List.

I planned to spend about $3,000.00 next school year, with field trips and all that. As next school year will hopefully start in May, I decided to see what I could find off-season. I seemed to remember it really cost more to buy learning materials when everybody wants them.

So, far I have spent $229.00. Yes, I have spent two hundred-twenty-nine dollars. For our money, I have obtained:

Two Loyola Press "Christ Our Life" religion books. Loyola Press has a web site with updates, activities and learning options. The children will also attend regular religious instruction at our parish church, mostly because it is a good program, and because it is more or less required in our diocese in order to be confirmed. The School of Religion uses Faith First, so there is no big duplication. Evangelical Christians would have an easier time on eBay, as there are TONS of materials out there for them, greatly reduced.
Prima Latina. This was a big expense, over $79 with shipping. However, the cost of this course with the DVD set is a lot more.
Voyages In English and Exercises in English for one child. I am debating which set to get the others. I think I'm going to end up paying full price for Vocabulary in Action, though, can't find it used anywhere.
Think AheadGames for Logic. I am waiting to see if I can find the MindBender books cheaply, but so far, not much luck.
Kingfisher encyclopedias for History, Geography and Science. The Science one has yet to arrive, so its price is not included in the total spent so far.
Saxon's Algebra I. As you can see from the link, it was a steal at $20. We are waiting on final bidding for Math 54, Math 65, and Algebra 1/2.
The New Way Things Work and Pinball Science.

Uniform or totem?

2010-02-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

We currently belong to three learning groups.

One we joined because we just moved into the area, and thought it would help ease the kids into various activities. Unfortunately, while the group in question has some interesting activities, said activities directly conflict with everything else we do. And I have to say it, this group makes me feel older than I am, as if I should get myself a walker and a Rascal cart. They are great women, great families, but by comparison, they are old enough to be my daughters, some my very young daughters. It is not their problem that I am older than they are. We did get our Girl Scout troop through this organization, and I'm grateful for that.

One group we joined because it has activities in our kids' age group that do meet our schedule. Three of the mothers are my age or older, raising grandchildren. It reminds me of the groups back in the 1980s and 1990s, casual and congenial, with kids and adults of all ages interacting together. We love this group, the activities, the people. We try to join up with them whenever we can, which can be difficult, as many of the activities are over the border in the next state. We do live close to the border, but sometimes what is an hour away to these folks is an hour and a half to us.

The third group is more of a think tank and co-op than a traditional home education group.Our children were invited to join based upon test scores through a summer enrichment program. It turns out our children are not the way they are because they live with two people old enough to be their grandparents. They are allegedly academically gifted and talented (as the person who supervises chores, I am not always so sure of this). Those talents not only shine in the academic subjects of mathematics and language usage, but in ability to originate and elaborate. It would explain why our dear Baby would, when bored to tears at her old school, take a "bathroom sabbatical" every so often, wandering the halls in search of subject matter more interesting than what was being taught in the second grade.

The think tank has some, but not all, of the trappings of private schools. One of these is uniform pieces worn to meetings. There is a suggested dress uniform, with plaid skirts for the girls, ties for everybody, and dress shoes. Children in Grammar wear a different uniform than the young people in Logic and Lower Rhetoric, while Upper Rhetoric has a dress code. Most meetings and events require a basic uniform of navy, khaki or colored trousers with belts, polo shirts, sweaters when necessary, and gym shoes.

A big part of the reason for these uniforms is community relations. Different corporations and foundations contribute to the education of the scholars, as they are known, directly through classes and internship as well as financially for each scholar. The theory is that corporate offices will not want to give time and money to a bunch of scruffy kids who looked as if they just climbed out from under rocks.

I have to admit, while I do not care if my children have pink hair or sport fake tattoos, the uniforms serve me well. They seem to send a symbol to concerned relatives and friends that yes, indeedy do, the kids ARE engaged in education, even though they are not sitting in a classroom from 8:00 AM until 2:45 PM with 24 other children of the same age and one adult. The dress uniforms make nice photographs to pass out at family events. The trousers look good and wear well, whether we go to the opera backstage or to the grocery store. The various pieces match no matter the mood of the wearer.

It does not always quiet my mother's efforts to get my children into school, especially the parish school she thinks they should attend. Catholic schools in our new area average $7,000 a year for two children for parishioners. Some offer some, but not all of the classes and activities we obtain through the think tank and learning group. The one my mother prefers boasts that it offers Spelling as a subject. All "extra" classes, which includes Art, Music and Spanish, are offered after school and cost more money beyond the $7,000. While I would not fault a parent who preferred it for their children, given the circumstances, the Mister and I will not send our children there any time soon. The fact that we are talking about a professor and his educated wife who has worked in Catholic schools cuts little ice with my mother. If it isn't happening in what she considers school, learning might not take place.

The coordinating outfits that comprise the uniform do lend us a legitimacy that we might not possess if we just let the kids wear Goodwill 24/7, which is what they wear when they are not wearing the uniforms. I don't know if I like the fact that clothes represent our educational choices, but I do like that the kids look good.

For All This $$- Not Next Year!

2010-02-22T16:59:00.000-08:00

When we started the distance learning/ homeschool thing, the Mister insisted we use a curriculum with a grading and advisory service.

I hadn't taught in a home environment in over ten years.
We might not like distance learning, and we didn't want to jeopardize getting the kids into a good school just because we didn't use the opinion of experts. After all, we are old (in our fifties).

Since late July, we have been pumping away at this particular curriculum in their format, day in, day out, some days are better than others. We hope to be finished by April, and it will be none too soon for most of us.

So I asked the kids. They like distance learning MUCH better than going to school. This is from children who looked forward to going to school for the conversation! They like learning in a relaxed style, going way beyond what the books say, doing their own research, all the really cool projects.

What they don't like is the preformatted curriculum. I don't blame them. But we paid for the darn thing, in full, and all its goodies, including the compass and protractor we never used.

We have explained to the Mister that he is not here all day, and we will be setting up our curriculum. He agreed, particularly when I pointed out how much money we would save. We have syllabi, outlines, course of studies, all made by our own little fingers. This is what we plan for next year:

Two different math programs for kids who learn differently. We have a math lover in our house, and she wants, nay she demands Saxon. The rest of the child learners would prefer something more along the lines of Math U See, or Math U See Not (their preference).
More girl books for the girls! The books we have had to use to complete the canned program are geared toward boys. The most reprehensible of these books is an adaptation of Robinson Crusoe, that ended up tossed across the room on the last day of its use. Three cheers for Louisa May Alcott and pass around the Nancy Drew mysteries.
Less textbooks and more "real" books. The first to go was the spellers that came with the school-in-a-box. I found instead several research books, including the Kingfisher History Encyclopedia, 365 Simple Science Experiments, Mindbenders, and the APA and MPA style guides.
Foreign language. I stood my ground on this one. They will start Latin in order to have a good foundation for all languages, starting with English.

And it's January...Time For Service

2010-01-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

We have a family service project, courtesy of Auntie X. No, Auntie is not the service project.

Auntie knows a woman who directs our area homeless accommodations. These shelters and short-term facilities include a facility for addicted veterans in a rehab setting. The vets need a myriad of things, but one of the things they need is to eat.

Now, the director has ensured that the vets will have food. But if she doesn't have to take it out of the funds appropriated for the vets, she can use the money for other things for them. Clothes for job interviews. Books and tapes that will improve the rehab process. Bus fare. Every penny that did not go into feeding the vets three squares a day could be used well elsewhere.

So, the director searched out volunteers. Auntie X sent an email, and we responded. We volunteered to cook supper once a week for a year.

The requirements for the meals are pretty simple: A main dish, a side dish, and a dessert for 15-20 people, cooked in our home. Due to confidentiality requirements, they would never know us and we would never know them. That's OK. The Mister delivers the completed meal, gets a receipt for it (always paperwork!) and comes back home on his way from a gig.

Our distance learning program does not have a Religion component. It is not an exclusively Catholic program. We are counting this effort as combined Religion and Life Skills.

So far, the kids have learned to chop onions, soak the onions first in cold water before chopping so the gas doesn't release, chop celery, wash the celery before chopping as it is hard to wash little pieces, cut things in the same size so that the pieces cook evenly, brown meat, broil meat, cook pasta without making it into mush, and make real pudding not pudding-out-of-a-box. Physical properties of milk, eggs, and cornstarch have been gleaned from Alton Brown (despite his nasty comments about the overweight). Peanut butter has been used in a satay as well as in cookies.

We reviewed Jesus words on the arrival to Judgment of souls who have fed those who were hungry in this life, where it states it is just the same as feeding Jesus. If we are feeding Jesus, we want the food to look its best, and taste its best. Jesus, through these veterans who have served our country, has been served rustic chicken cacciatore, taco salad bar, chili bar, London broil with mushrooms, meatloaf, green beans, scalloped potatoes, garlic mashed potatoes, lemon pie, and once when we were in a hurry, Neapolitan ice cream. Jesus has not been served liver, spinach, veal, bleu cheese, or canned olives, all food on the "yuck" list. Every week we say a prayer over the food for those who will eat it, before sending it off with the Mister. We aren't quite as joyful as we should be when it comes to cleaning the kitchen, but who is after the fun of actually making a meal.

The vets often wait for the Mister to arrive, so they can help him unload the meal. He doesn't say much to them except "Hi" and they don't say much back. One of the young men who works for the shelter group is a student of the Mister's. The student has told them that the Mister is a professor, that we are both vets, and nothing else. He's told the Mister that the vets can't wait for Friday, because they know they are going to be well-fed. So there is a temporal reward along with the eternal. It feels good to know we can train our kids in a very practical area of their lives, as well as developing their character.

From There to Here

2009-11-23T05:13:00.000-08:00

To quote the Grateful Dead, "What a long, strange trip it's been!"

It seems as if it were eons ago that we loaded the van, taking it up that major highway, only to have the majority of the exhaust system fall off and hang there. So we went with Plan B, stuffing the stuff in storage until we could get to it. The last pieces will come out on Tuesday, the storage unit paperwork completed, and we will be MOVED.

I sent out the invitations to family to come see the place, ALL the family, got all but four to come. Most brought presents, and they didn't have to do that at all! A certain niece and her intended made scones, the BEST scones on the planet, bakery quality scones.

We have been living life as well, while we ransomed our furniture and belongings with petrol and time. Distance learning has become a way of life. So far, we have been to Legoland Discovery Centre, the Lyric Opera, two plays, a bakery (in the back as well as front), Girl Scout activities (yes, we do Girl Scouts), a group movie date, and the Loop.

I caught Belle just the other day, counting the types of Os in her cereal and recording it on paper to obtain the ratio of sizes of Os. We have charts of how to say polite, civil niceties in three different languages. Baby made her own movie of one cat trying to persuade the older cat to play.

We just got the booklets for "Living My Faith" from the National Catholic Committee on Scouting and Camp Fire. It looks like a good program (I wish more people would read the FAQs instead of assuming the USCCB approves of Planned Parenthood or finances it in some way through Girl Scouts, but that's neither here nor there). As nobody is eligible to be confirmed this year, as we are now in the Archdiocese, we are doing our own religion curriculum, and currently attending Mass of the Week at various parishes in the area, to get a feel for ourselves where it would be best to register.

I know our old diocese is attempting to get Catholics to stay within their parish boundaries, but I think that's going to flop. But the parishes of the Archdiocese aren't much better. One parish actually wanted the girls to wait six months until we had been "members" of that parish that long, based on our payment record, before the girls could attend religious education. Another wanted the girls in their parish school, to the tune of non-parishioner rates for this year, three times what we paid for our former parish school. The religious education departments excepting one seem watered-down, but the excellent rel. ed. program has a school that only concentrates on the basics, the very basics (The fact that a school teaches Spelling should not have to be mentioned in a brochure). As we do not foresee a need to use a parish school that will probably be our parish.

We have a new "social action" activity about which we'll share more in coming weeks. Advent is next week! I know where the time went. I just hope it was well-spent.

Mixed Bag- Call It Distance Learning & Not Another One

2009-07-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

What would you like first, the good news or not-so-good?

I'm going with not-so-good first. I discovered I am going to be a grandmother again. No, I do not have any married children. No, I am not exploring this further. I am disgusted at my alleged adult child's behavior. I think this baby should be in a married, two-parent home, not being touted as a replacement for the children I adopted. Until and unless I find that my new grandchild and his/ her parent require the basics any Christian must deliver (food, clothing, shelter and the Good News), I can't do anything else without saying that "something not nice." So I will say nothing further. I am making my line in the sand. I know a grandparent or two who has had to do the same thing.

Now that that's off my heart-

It occured to me sometime back that my youngest was not getting the education she needs. Her school was wonderful. Her teacher was top-notch, a veteran of classroom and administration. The student-to-teacher ratio was small, 15:1. The classroom itself was brand, spanking new. Even getting special assignments with more challenge to them, she would come home bored. She actually told me once she could easily succeed in changing the subject in the classroom with a few words, but would be caught about five minutes after the fact. Her standardized test scores are all in the 95-99th percentile. Her report cards are pefect except for conduct, which is almost perfect, but not quite. Those little distractions of the teacher take their toll.

The Mister is a professor, and knows some other professor types who deal in gifted and talented kids. He pointed me to the local university, which has a G&T program during the school year as well as the summer months. OK then!

The Baby's teacher was happy to supply letters of reference for both Baby and her elder sister, Belle. We figured as long as we were checking Baby, we might as well check Belle. We showed up for something called a Torrence Test, which is supposed to measure creativity. Somewhere in the mix of summer swims and trips, we also managed an academic elvaluation through another school.

The basic results are in. Both girls have a good foundation so far. Belle has excellent math skills, good writing habits, but a bit of trouble organizing when she writes. Her mapping and reference skills are off the charts. The Baby was compared to children in her present grade as well as in the grade ahead, and compared very favorably; in fact, she did extremely well. Both girls have better than average age-appropriate manners and behaviors. Both know how to introduce themselves to other children and have no known social awkwardness.

We will be moving next month to another area. We know very little about the schools, Catholic or public. The Mister is not in favor of any public school, period. The Catholic schools have room for one girl at the non-parishioner rate, but not the other. This resulted from The Mister not paying attention when we chose one location, and then deciding he did not like it after all, for a variety of reasons.

Not to worry. The girls will be distance learning, starting next week. We have found a distance learning school that will give them social connections, has a grading service, certificates of completion, and opportunities for other educational experiences in our new area. We will also be utlizing the services of four colleges who have need of elementary school children in various programs. One college even provides sweatshirts with a logo to be worn over white polos and navy trousers.

Baby will be moved a grade ahead of where she would have been, with slightly different books and methods to adapt better to her younger age. Belle will be assigned the grade should have had, but with a grade higher math program.

Home schooling? Perhaps. Better to call it "Distance Learning" as well as remember because of the four colleges, our chances of being "home" during the day are slim-to-none.

The $613 Vacation #2- Fun Center

2009-07-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

It seems every community of 2,000 in Illinois has some sort of for-profit center where, for a price, families can engage in various amusements. Our community is no exception; in fact, there are three within a 5-mile radius.

For purposes of convenience as well as tasty vittles, we chose Luigi's. The other two centers offer such amusements as roller skating, bowling, and go-carts. The Mister and I were simply not in the mood to participate in any physical activity that day.

The kids, however, enjoyed arcade games of a wide stripe. Luigi's offers a varied assortment, from Whack-A-Mole to Skeeball. We were able to offer the children the opportunity to place many tokens on their machine keys, over $25 each. This was unprecedented in our family! We have been bribed up to $10, but never $25 each. That's a lot of arcade and video games, 100 attempts.

Frankly, my husband and I went to Luigi's to eat pizza and drink beer in the afternoon. We split a pitcher of MGD. We haven't drunk beer in years, and we haven't drunk anything remotely alcoholic in the afternoon in decades. We were only observed by counselors from the local park district, no doubt jealous that we could imbibe while their duties to their 50 or so charges left them without such an alternative.

Total cost for our weekday afternoon of relaxation: $132.

The $613 Vacation #1- 3D Movie

2009-06-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

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Three-dimensional movie viewing is not a cheap proposition.

When we see a first-run movie, we try to aim for the first matinee of the day, often only $3.25 to $4 per seat, all ages, depending on which theater. If we go in the morning, it also saves money on snacks. We perhaps spend $30 total for tickets and snacks.

Not so yesterday's first matinee of "Up" in 3D. 2 adults, 2 kids, $32. Yes, I kept the 3D glasses. We paid for them. They work with Crayola 3D chalk. Why should we recycle them, so the theater can rebag them and resell them? Oh no!

The movie itself was visually appealing in any event, and had a wonderful moral. The 3D experience thrilled the kids. This particular auditorium was nicely uncrowded.

Some theaters turn a blind eye to bringing outside snacks, some put up signs prohibiting it. The theater we attended has no qualms, so we stopped at Walgreen's for some low carb goodies as well as "movie size" boxes of candy for about 1/4 the price at the theater. Good to know: Vines do not taste like Twizzlers, and our kids do not like Vines. We also bought at the theater one giant and refillable tub of popcorn and 2 large diet sodas. $15.

The child who did not win the coin toss for the event got to pick our lunch destination. Big surprise, Mikky D's. We know of one nearby that has authentic golden arches built into the structure, but we have never dined there. Upon our arrival, we were treated to a bench with a gen-u-ine plastic Ronald. Made for a couple nice photos. The service at this Clown Shop was less than stellar. It took the crew 15 minutes to figure out that the crew member in charge of cleaning the drink area had removed the iced tea canisters and was deelybopping someplace else, too busy to get that tea out there in the prescribed time. The kids' fries were stale and old, yet were supposedly within specs. Somehow, the big screen TV running Cartoon Network did not make up for so-so food and not even average service.

WE SPENT: $77, including 3D movie tickets ($32), low carb snacks & high carb candy in a store ($12), popcorn & soda pop at the theater ($15), and lunch at The Golden Arches ($18).

THE KIDS LOST: $4 for staging an extreme fight over the remote control at 1930 last night (also sent to bed early).

TOTAL LEFT: $532.

The $613 Vacation- It Can Be Done Cheaper

2009-06-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

We did NOT figure these activities into that $613 orginally planned for our local theme park, Three Circles Over Hades:

The Fourth of July weekend. It's a separate issue in our family budget.
A possible trip to visit extended family, again a separate budget issue.
Fees for Camp Brainiac, sponsored by one of our local universities.

Having viewed the content of some of the places I will be mentioning in this summer's blog, I can see where some people might think we are loaded. We are not. We are in our fifties, and because of our assumption of the role of parents for our grandchildren, decided to work until the kids were well along the path to adulthood or we drop dead, whichever comes first. Please take the following into consideration as you consider what you read:

My husband is eligible on occasion for a senior discount. He makes no bones about using such a discount. Regretfully, I must pry a senior discount out of businesses. Despite the grays on my head, I look too young.
We use coupons when it makes sense. This is not always the case. Liverland is a not popular tourist destination for children. Buying food that is not on your diet simply because you have a coupon can cause you more money in the long run.
We are not afraid to ask for discounts when planning a vacation day. We call ahead. You would be surprised at how many there are, and that do not involve senior status. One of those is the fact that we are both certified teachers in Illinois. The fact that we are certified substitutes makes no difference. Another good discount is the one we receive for being residents of our town. All the business can do is say no. Ask.

There are a variety of free and cheap things to do in any area of the United States and Canada. Consider looking on your community's web site, the web site of very nearby communities, and those communities within a short driving distance from yours:

Off-peak movies that cost between $1 and $2 admission per person, all seats. Yes, it is either on a day when most people don't go to the movies, and/ or at a time that most people don't go to the movies. Yes, you probably have seen some of the movies already, as have the kids. Don't discount the discount! This is especially true if your residence is less than spacious and/ or not air-conditioned. A trip to the movies, to sit in a darkened theater, is always an adventure for a child. Odds are good the popcorn and goodies will be discounted, as well.
Concerts in the park. Many communities still have a local band or orchestra. The price is usually free. Bring a blanket and a snack, along with something to keep away the bugs.
The old-fashioned picnic. This is not the summer affair planned by your union, church, employer, or squadron. It does not require a grill, pony rides, a raffle or door prizes. Pack a lunch, a ball, and a blanket. Drive, take the bus, or walk to a spot that has some quiet, green grass, and a place to spread out that blanket. Eat lunch. Play ball. Walk around the place. Go home. You would be surprised the number of kids who have not been on this type of picnic. That's sad.
Local festivals. Communities plan these as a way to bring goodwill and tourist dollars. There are often free activities or those that cost very little. Kid crafts. Guess the number of objects in the jar. Food samples. Fireworks. Giveaways from businesses.
Park district. It's a little late to sign the kiddos up for day camp, as those places usually go the minute they are open, thanks to parents who need to earn a living. However, some park districts offer swimming, play parks, playgrounds, and other amusements for the local populace.

We, the Mister and I, have been given a gift of some really solid blocks of summer time, days when we have nothing to do but be together as a family. We consider these blocks of time blessings, and look to utilize them to the fullest. Give your schedule a once-over, and see if you can clear some time for yourself and the kids in your life.

The $613 Vacation- Getting To Yes

2009-06-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

Perhaps clarification is in order. When I say we are not headed to the nearest theme park, I mean just that, no theme park, Dante-themed or otherwise.

We fully intend to spend the money we budgeted for the theme park. We just don't intend to spend it at the theme park.

It took a family meeting that bordered on sales pitch for some of the snazzier clients I have had, and a better Dog 'n Pony Show, to eliminate Three Circles Over Hades.

The kids love the Internet. It is something we only let them use once or twice a week, or to work on school projects, with a fully running net nanny. I loaded a doc which featured linked logos and photographs in text boxes (easily moved about the page). The links included URLs for local tourist places, movies, sports events not involving baseball, and museums.

I then got out a dry marker and the white board. "Kids, how much does it cost to go to Three Circles Over Hades?" I inquired.

The eldest thought of an answer. "Nothing. We get our tickets free at school." Aha! Just the answer I wanted. They were amazed that yes indeed, the old folks needed money to enter Hades, and then there was all that money for other things. I tallied it all up right there. It was an astounding $507.

The eldest was now spokesperson. "But what about our money for chores, and our behavior bucks?"

We don't give this set of kids an allowance, in the sense that they receive a set amount of family cash simply for existence. They have a chore chart. Some things, such as bed making and washing oneself out of the bathtub, are gratis. Other chores, from folding laundry to taking out garbage, come with a price tag. No workie, no money, and it better be done with a civil attitude or no money anyway, but the Mister and I still get the work done. 10 percent of this income is given to charity, 50 percent is saved in a savings account, and the rest the child can use to his or her choice.

The second source of child income in our household is behavior bucks. Call it Negative Motivation. Call it Incentive Behavior. The Mister and I are over 50. We don't want to mess with physical restrictions, corporal punishments, and all the parenting angles younger people seem to have energy to perform, unless it is absolutely necessary; very often, it is not.

The premise is simple. Every month, we do something together as a family. An amount of money is set aside in the family budget every month. How the children behave determines what happens when it is time for the monthly family activity on which said money is spent. Some months, the family activity can be as rich as the movies with popcorn and restaurant lunch. There are also months where the family activity is Pay Per View rated G, or even just board games.

The kids used to have mason jars, which into each was deposited toy money bearing the value of the set amount per child. Tell a lie to get out of work? One behavior buck lost, and a talk on lies. Most childish misbehaviors lose a buck. Fighting of any form within the friendly confines of the house earns the loss of a whopping 2 behavior bucks, and going to one's room for the rest of the day. Needless to say, the rooms are no entertainment centers, and lack TVs, computers, Wii and even books barring the Bible and prayer books.

However, the behavior bucks were not portable, and sometimes the old gal forgot. The "bucks" are now values on a punch ticket. It is extremely pleasurable to grunt in public, "I'm gonna punch your ticket" and have younger parents look aghast, only for me to whip out the hole puncher and the tickets.

Taking into account behavior bucks earned for April through August meant we raised the stakes to $613 (we really did plan to go to Hades, and it was the children's idea to save the behavior bucks).

While I sold all the wonderful places we could go, I could see the girl child's eyes light. I know she is the one who hates Three Circles Over Hades the most. She is very bright, and was calculating in her head just how much $613 could buy of a summer.

It was the eldest who was yet unsold. "But I worked hard to earn that pass!" Did you really, Pet? A quick tally of the old dry marker showed that indeed, the eldest was also involved with earning a good grade in Reading, a coupon for an individual pan pizza, and a ticket to the minor league ball park, all at the same time, by reading 30 minutes an evening. Hardly the effort imagined.

It was at that point I urged them to the computers. They clicked the links of their choices, and were transported to some 12, count 'em, twelve places and activities within the greater Chicago metropolitan area. They were all in.

I have yet to figure out what we will do with the Hades passes. They are allegedly nontransferable, and the kids' names are on the back. Perhaps I'll stick them in their baby books (advantage of being Grandma AND Mom- You latch onto the baby books early). As long as we adults do not have to swelter in Hades, I will be satisfied.