The Quilt- Part I

I have in my possession a quilt, as yet unfinished. I started it a couple months before my eldest daughter's 20th birthday. She was in the military. It hadn't been an easy time for her, that year. Everything seemed to be a real challenge after flunking out of college. There were drinking issues the Mister and I hoped had stopped because of the new environment. I wanted her to be able to wrap home around her. 


It's various shades of purple: Soft lilacs, almost pinks, bright fuscias, darker violets, with touches of greens, tans and whites here and there. Purple used to be her favorite color. There are squares from her college friends, squares from relatives, all wishing her well for her 20th  birthday. It's BIG, comforter-sized for at least a queen, if not king, bed (I don't measure, I just wing it). Four large rectangles hold the smaller squares, 2 with a flocked white on ecru, and two with very bold yet homey purple calico. There are also hearts in all those various shades of purple. Some of the hearts are embroidered around the outside. I wanted it BIG, because my love for her was even bigger than the quilt.  

As her 20th birthday fast approached, I knew it wasn't going to be finished. I copied the squares from family and her friends in color, and sent those, along with a heartfelt note and some good books. I hoped to have it finished in six months, if not by her 21st birthday. It filled a place in my off-work hours.

By September of that year, I was informed via email that Madame was pregnant, and not sure what she planned to do about it. By Thanksgiving, I was entertaining family and a new son-in-law at the casual "generic" reception the couple requested, complete with hand-embroidered sweatshirts stating Bride and Groom. Madame requested we use the rest of the money we'd saved for a wedding for her to ship her stuff to her next duty station (It wasn't much- she didn't give us enough time). By the spring, I was grandmother to Belle, and the phone calls came every 15 minutes. By the next year, there had been 2 long-distance arguments, at least a month of the Silent Treatment and no contact with Belle, 3 lies regarding needing a loan from us, calls about baby-sitters, numerous calls about the in-laws who also lived at their duty station interfering in her life, a 6-month deployment by the son-in-law, and Baby was on the way.

They came to live with us by the next August, bringing along with them the new van they couldn't afford. Baby came home to our house. SIL left to go back on his ship, and they divorced. I've been caring for Belle and Baby ever since, first to help Madame get through college, then because Madame abdicated parenthood, along with treating her bipolar disorder through her own self-devised methods. 

I never stopped loving her. I never forgot about the quilt. I just didn't have a moment to spare. The year the Mister got so ill took up months of my time, and the children's time. We had a schedule to keep between the hospital, school, working with doctors and just making ourselves rest from the exhaustion having a critically ill spouse and parent entails. We moved, and all that entailed. We became more interactive in the kids' education. There was no time.

I brought too much stuff when we moved. We are talking a few walls of Rubbermaid containers, those big buckets that say they hold 18 gallons, and which can hold about 70 pounds of junk. So I have been going through them, one at a time, looking for junk.

And there was the quilt.       

Recycling An Old Recession

People over 50 have lived awhile. They aren't old, mind you, but they've been there a couple times, for a couple decades, and have picked up a few things along the way. 

One of those things happens to be recessionary behaviors. 

When some of us were younger, going to college, getting married and starting families, there was a recession. Another President of the United States gave the people no comfort,and another Congress voted laws they seemed to think would help, but caused problems in the long run. Inflation was rampant, and if you were lucky enough to obtain a 15% mortgage, you had a golden credit report.

Textbooks were expensive back then, things haven't changed that much. Feeding small children nutritionally well on a budget is still a challenge. Gas might not have been as expensive, but store owners rationed it so people wouldn't buy it up, and the price rose significantly in comparison.

How did people survive in the 1970s to live to tell about it? Let's recycle some old ideas from the 1970s and see if they still work:

• HANG ONTO YOUR MONEY. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But if you're in a pinch, don't spend your money unless you must!  This applies especially to grandparents who suddenly find themselves with 3 or 4 small children on the front doorstep. With all the pain, you're going to be tempted to ease it through meals out, trips to amusements, and "little" things to help the kids out of their blues over their parents. You're going to need that money down the road. If you haven't learned how yet, teach yourself some self-discipline and just wait. Your grandkids need your time and attention, anyway, more than they need your wallet right now. You'll be happy you did when your attorney tells you his or her retainer.
• BUDGET. A budget is NOT a corset from the 19th century designed to cut off your fiscal circulation! It's a plan on how to spend your money to your best advantage. All you have to do is figure out where each dollar has to go, and when, then follow through, first of the month, every month. There is no law against making adjustments as needed. 
• YES, AN IRREGULAR INCOME CAN HAVE A BUDGET. Have an income that doesn't always come in you need it? Dave Ramsey says to have an emergency fund, and to still make up that budget. He also suggest starting your budget with the basics of housing, BASIC utilities (lights, natural gas, water, sewage- not cable, Internet and multiple cell phones) and food. He then suggest to decide the most important item to pay after those are  paid, working down the budget one item at a time. 
• LOOK FOR HIDDEN COSTS AND SEE IF IT'S REALLY A BARGAIN. A lot of young people like rental centers. They get pretty furniture for which they only pay a little a week, along with appliances and computers. Their friends pay them compliments. Their friends don't see the payment that comes every week. Their friends don't see the fear when the really good job becomes a layoff, or a new mouth to feed adds an expense. Nobody pays attention to the fact that rental centers make all those goodies cost 300% more than what they are actually worth. It's a temptation to use rental centers to purchase long-term items needed in a hurry such as bed for the grandkids. Don't. There's no sin in sleeping on the couch or fold-out for a few weeks, or even months, until a better purchase can be made.    
  
• IS THE BEST REALLY THE BEST BUY? IS THE ECONOMY ITEM REALLY AN ECONOMY? For food, simply divide the price by the number of servings or ounces in the product (Take a calculator to the store, or use the one on your cell phone). Don't buy food you can't store correctly, or that nobody likes. As for all other items, it might interest you to know that truly rich people don't buy all new, all the time. They buy used, but look for good shape and a brand name with a good reputation. 
• IT'S A BAD TIME FOR CREDIT CARDS, LET ALONE PAYDAY LOAN STORES AND TITLE LOANS. Credit card companies are bad enough, with their cubicled collectors and representatives waiting to pounce on you like wild animals in the zoo. They seem tame enough but watch it when they are allowed out of their cages! As for payday and title loans- I didn't think much about it until somebody with our information, somebody who looked A LOT like me helped herself to a payday loan she didn't pay. Yes, that's identity theft and fraud. It took an attorney to convince the payday loan collector, who was one of the most obnoxious people I've ever met. As I investigated, I discovered these loans have an interest rate of 300-500% on average. Title loans have you paying car payments all over again, same high interest rates, and if you don't pay, I'm told they WILL take your car. Stay away from all credit right now. It's a bad time.     
• PAYING CASH HAS ITS ADVANTAGES. Walk into the store with a credit card, or sign up for the easy 48 month payment plan. Hidden charges, not-so-hidden charges- They will follow you home and haunt you for months upon months. Walk into a store with cash. You have bargaining power! The store will not have to chase you should you not pay your monthly debt. If a store will not negotiate prices for cash customers, walk away and find another store. It's a ripoff joint.  
• LOOK FOR NUTRITIONALLY DENSE FOODS WITH A LOWER COST THAT ARE GOOD FOR THE ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD. Bananas come to mind first. The only people I can't think could use a good banana are dialysis patients and others with poor kidney ability. High fiber, high vitamins and minerals, low cost, often on sale for 33-39 cents a pound around here. There are other foods. Whole grains. Legumes. Popcorn. Brown rice. BEEF (yes, beef). Get out there, investigate, and see what works for your family.
• YOUR PERSONAL RECESSION MIGHT BE DURING AN ECONOMIC BOOM. One of our worst times came during 2005-2008, when everybody else was having a lovely time out there, financially. Hard times don't have to be during federal hard times. Like the scouts, be prepared! 

One Way to Find Out, I Guess

Belle is old enough for social networking, and that means more vigilance on the parental front, not less. I don't want people suddenly popping into her life and announcing themselves. The teen years are hard enough without biological parents and other as-yet unknown relatives popping out of cyberspace and onto Facebook.

This brought me to a discovery today. Belle's biological mother, my eldest daughter, finally married her longtime boyfriend and the father of one of my grandsons last week. I can't imagine why it took over two years for her to go to her county courthouse, but at $27 for the license and a judge who does marriages for free as a collateral duty, it certainly couldn't have been saving money for a big wedding.

Social networking is good that way. There was a Facebook event announcement, not invitations, so I certainly don't feel slighted on that score. 

I did not like discovering that she has decided to "friend" my ex-husband's sister. Normally, I am all for family. Not these two.

I won't go into why I finally pursued a divorce from my ex-husband, except to say he did not pay a paltry amount in child support for years. He also felt he should be able to simply show up whenever he felt like having visitation, which was hardly ever. Even after the Mister adopted the older kids, this person still hadn't paid support, even making good money in the semiconductor industry and owning a very nice motorcycle. He claims on his Classmates he has no children, only dogs he counts as children. How he intends to explain away a 30-something year old daughter should be a good trick.

But his sister, Mrs. Pro-Choice! During my tenure as Mrs. Ex, this woman strongly urged that I abort my children, despite the fact that I was lawfully married to her brother when I was pregnant. By giving up my unborn children, I would have a better financial position. To every person she has ever encountered, she has disparaged me. I know because she made the mistake of tearing me down to a dear friend she didn't know knew me (who didn't tell me for years).

It is one thing for my eldest to go off into a marriage, bipolar and untamed alcoholism notwithstanding. It's another thing entirely for my eldest to contact these people. I won't stand for another bullying cycle. I won't let Belle and her siblings be hurt. We're considering moving out of state to keep anybody from finding out where we live, even though the adoption of the kids here has been legal for quite some time.

So, yes, I hurt. And I am wary at this point. But I think I'll be OK as long as my kids here are OK.

Weight Watcher Welfare

So far, so good, on the Weight Watchers Plan. I am losing about a pound a week and the Mister two a week. We are eating what most people would call sensibly, and still get an occasional treat. Our energy level is high, with all that exercise.

Weight Watchers is based on a series of point values for different foods. I can choose to eat premium ice cream, but I am going to pay for it in points at 8 points a half-cup. Much more sensible to fill up on tomatoes, red peppers, or artichokes hearts, which without oil are 0 points. 

How many points a person receives per day is determined by his or her weight. Contrary to common logic, the larger a person is, the more points he or she receives. This is because real logic dictates it takes more energy to keep a larger body going than a smaller one. So the Mister gets a slew of points. This means he can eat big meals with extra accoutrements. I, being fat but not fat enough to get any big bonus, get the minimum number of daily points, 29. Throw the confetti and pass the unadorned cabbage.

There are two other alternatives to gain extra points. One is through activity. Every activity, from picking garden vegetables to running uphill in a marathon, has a point value for every ten minutes of exertion. I like these points. I know I've earned them. They make me feel as if I am actually doing something toward my own points. Call it an American Diet Philosophy. I'm willing to get out there and push uphill to down a Magnum Bar.

There is also point welfare, courtesy of Weight Watchers. Everybody is allocated 49 points a week. Those points are there to be used.

But I can't. It's a personal thing, my own mentality, but I can't. Call it old fashioned values, call it conservative thought. I can't. I didn't earn them.

The default on Weight Watchers Online is to use the welfare points first. Call me eccentric, I couldn't do it. In six weeks, out of 294 welfare points, I've used exactly 6. They don't feel as if they are mine to use.

The online package is user-friendly when it comes to the basics, but not-so-user-friendly when it comes to the tricky stuff. If a user doesn't have time to play with it, the learning curve time is going to be awhile. I've heard tell from others who accidentally loaded the wrong weight, and it took them days to figure out how to edit that into the right weight. So, it is no surprise that it took me 4 weeks to figure out how to change my plan tracker so that activity points came off first, then the weekly welfare points. 

I found the panel that contains the radio button to change to activity points first, and none too soon. I had a bit of a run-in with a bag of onion rings for a dollar at Culver's. It crashed my daily points, but with a brisk walk I was able to take some whole wheat pasta and a jar of roasted red peppers, and turn in a satisfying dish for 6 points (oh yeah, there was a teaspoon each of butter and cream in there). I earned it.  

A Moral Dilemma

Just found out about a day ago that my ex-son-in-law and his present wife have allegedly been caught selling the special needs equipment of two of their children on Internet sales sites to other families of special needs kids, over and over again, getting the money without sending the product. I've heard the evidence, and seen some of it, and it looks very damaging to me. There were some cases of sales where it was not even theirs to sell, but a rental, such as a special wheelchair. This is bad enough, but the folks who have been robbed by these two have little recourse. 

It's one thing to steal from family, especially extended family you don't like. It's another thing to steal from folks who are walking in your shoes or worse. To add insult to injury, nobody is helping these people. The Navy (yes, I will say the branch out loud, in bold type for all to read) claims it is a civil matter, and they can't do anything, although there is proof EXSIL was indeed involved. Civil authorities can't be bothered.  As long as the Dynamic Duo (cough, cough) stays below the radar, keeps their alleged crime below a certain amount, no law enforcement, military for him or civil for her, seems to be inclined to stop them.

I talked with the man who runs a ministry that hooks up special needs families with equipment at reasonable prices, and where the Dynamic Duo (cough, cough) apparently did a lot of damage. I offered what I had in information, about 4 Rubbermaid tubs' worth that I have to sort. I don't know if it will help these folks, and I don't care about EXSIL's privacy at this point. 

I also offered the current addresses of his siblings and mother. The man didn't want to "involve" EXSIL's extended family. It's his choice, but I can't see why. This is not regulated under the Fair Debt Collections Act. This is theft, and it's theft from those who truly need the assistance. Criminals need to be caught, and it's not vigilante to inform family that they have an alleged perp in their midst.

I heard from several people. One was a woman who is trying to adopt special needs children from a foreign country, where they languish. She couldn't see what good the information I was offering would do, but EXSIL and his wifey set back the adoption with their scam, and she opined contacting the media in various parts of the country where these two have done their damage might help. Another wanted ME to go after EXSIL and the Little Woman on her and her husband's behalf. Ain't happenin'.

I don't know, I have no crystal ball and flunked seeing into the future as a high school course. EXSIL and his present wife have four children themselves, two with special needs. He was not a great parent to the children we now call our own. If he's ripping off people online, to use a 60s expression, I don't see how he's changed much over the years. He owes me money, too.

It would be nice to see his rear-end in a jail cell, though. So, I'll make PDFs of what I have over the next couple of weeks and see if it helps anybody get justice in the matter.

Retro TV: Father Knows Best

My kids love what they call TV-Not-in-Color. I don't mind DVRing some of the better shows for them, so we can watch together. They marvel how children in the 1950s and 1960s got to play outside until all hours, walk to school by themselves, and went to the malt shop on their own. I get to explain about dial phones, lack of Internet, and why the autos look like new versions of old beater cars (because they are).

We've been watching "Father Knows Best" (FKB) recently.  The show is actually older than I am, having been on radio before TV in 1949, and then the TV show started in 1954. It's the story of a dad, a mom and three kids in the small town of Springfield. The state is unknown, although there are, so far, references to Rockford, St. Louis and Chicago being in close, but not too close proximity. We do know New York is a day away by train, as the eldest daughter was in a wedding in New York and did just that.   

This was one of my favorite shows in reruns as a kid. I spent a lot of time watching TV, as I had frequent sore throats and fevers that kept me out of school for days at a time. The Andersons were a very nice family, and they had more than the standard two TV kids. 

I've heard through the years how the mothers of television shows in the 1950s and early 60s were too stereotypical, always doing housework in dresses, pearls and heels. But as I was watching FKB, I discovered Margaret Anderson didn't. Oh she wore only dresses! She was in her early 40s, according to the story line, placing her in college during the Roaring Twenties (and she did attend college, was Portia in the school's production of the Merchant of Venice). She did cover her dresses with a full-length smock affair, and uses heavy-duty rubber gloves for the tough jobs. She worked smarter, not harder, but she did work. But pearls for household tasks, let alone heels? Hardly. 

Margaret got on the eldest daughter's case, regarding dress. Betty, AKA Princess, saw nothing wrong with performing work tasks in public in "dungarees" or jeans rolled up ala capris. Betty went to the high school, and later to the junior college, in her jeans, a belt firmly holding them in place, to work on decorations for dances or scenery for plays, but never for classes. The younger daughter, Kathy (Kitten), also wore shorts, jeans and other play clothes, in addition to dresses to school.

There were real situations, and real anger in some episodes. Jim and the children not only made it clear to Margaret that they didn't wish to attend her annual family reunion, but they made fun of her relatives in the living room! Margaret pouted and then said they weren't going to the reunion after all, if they felt that way. She even stopped making baked beans from the scratch in mid-process! However, Margaret forgot to call the relatives to inform her of her decision. A cousin shows up to ride with them. The bean situation is fixed by a local deli. The kids get in the car for their mother's sake, and even bring along some activities for themselves and their cousins.

The children were far from perfect. James Jr., or Bud, was lazy in the extreme, always looking for the easy way out. He spent the first two seasons in the basement, apparently hiding out from work, from his friends, from bullies, and from his sisters. Betty breathed the rarefied air of good academics, and never let anybody forget it. Kathy was whiny at times. Betty and Bud ganged up at Kathy, and Kathy earned that nickname Kitten in more ways than one, especially when she took out the verbal claws on her elder siblings. 

All three of the Anderson children seem to have been expected to work for their money. Bud constantly complained about his lack of funds, just as much as his mother nagged him to take out the trash, mow the lawn, and get a part time job. The Anderson girls seem to have the work for money lesson down. Betty had several baby-sitting jobs, and was shown taking several job opportunities through the school. Young Kathy was entrepreneurial, frequently trading toys with her young friends, and even shaking down Bud for items, in exchange for being left to his own devices. 

Jim Sr. worked very hard at the insurance agency, a job I wouldn't want. He seemed to combine the rules of good salesmanship with the Golden Rule. He wasn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he did his best. Oh, and he helped his wife with household tasks, completed the "honey do" list, and helped his male friends with their tasks. He liked to golf, but put off his game to do chores first.

The Andersons tried, when possible, to let their children discover on their own what could happen, when it wouldn't harm them. We recently viewed an episode where teenage Bud was swindled by a carney worker. The $6 Margaret gave Bud to pick up Jim's rewoven pants at the tailor's went to a game of chance. Jim knew the carnival was bad news, as he wouldn't insure it. He warned Bud, and  informed hi they expected to be repaid for the gambling incident. Yet Bud was drawn to the carnival like a moth to a flame. Offered a job by the head carney, he took a job in a dunk tank, thinking he would make $25, to be paid the next day. What a shock to his system when he woke up and found the carnival skipped town!

It took courage and faith for Margaret and Jim to allow Bud to make this mistake.   Most likely today, the parents would have been down at the local police station filing a report, threatening to sue the carnival. Instead, they expected Bud to suck it up and learn from his mistakes. Margaret and Jim just chalked it up to learning life's lessons.

It makes me feel good, as a parent, to remember there was a more innocent time, yet there were still problems raising kids. I've read in at least one of the few books that exist for grandparents raising grandchildren, that such grandparents have to "get with the times" when it comes to parenting. I see nothing wrong with parenting as the Andersons did, even if it was only scripts written for actors. They were, in a day when people did not air their troubles in public, human in their actions and reactions.   

Legislators, whose welfare do you consider? Part II

I once read a very explicit novel on laws against the Second Amendment called Unintended Consequences. It wasn't the best written book I'd ever read, or the shortest, but it made its point that enacting laws to overprotect can often lead to consequences the various bills' authors never imagined.

I believe there are a lot of welfare laws out there that were supposed to assist people in times of need, but developed unintended consequences. Just because the money is raised by taxes doesn't make it less theft from somebody's hard-earned paycheck and thrust it into the pocket of somebody who may or may not deserve it. 

When husbands and fathers started leaving families and not paying support, welfare once again stepped into the breach with a deal. If the custodial parents would only file papers against the nonpaying parents, welfare would give them money and collect it from the offending parent. This is still money being taken from the pockets of those who earned it and placed in the pockets of others, no matter how they might need it, no matter how much of a loan to the custodial parents it allegedly is.

Now grandparents are trying to collect support from their offspring who are legal adults. The chances of their local child support enforcement office chasing down the parents who owe it are slim to none. These offices don't understand the situation. They figure the old folks will go away, or the parents will come back. They also try to retrofit law and don't realize grandparents aren't merely custodial parents.

By law in most states, unless a grandchild is born to a minor child, or the grandparents adopt the grandchild, grandparents are not legally responsible for the financial costs of raising grandchildren. Just because a grandparent becomes the custodian or the guardian of a grandchild doesn't suddenly make them liable.

I know. I experienced extreme frustration at the hands of Illinois FHS and DHS when my children were my grandchildren. My case for support came up after 26 months of custody. At that time, the states attorney's office sent me a letter telling me I had no business trying to collect support, that I had adopted the children (something the person who wrote the letter should NOT have known, as it was a closed related adoption), and I should get a private attorney to do so. 

For the 26 months my children were our wards, we spent about $40,000.00 on their needs, not including the money we spent on adoption. Out of that, Illinois paid our wards $5,486. What if we had not been able to afford what was necessary?

To the best of my knowledge, DHS and FHS never once tried to collect from the biological parents. 

One of the biological parents is employed in the military. In addition to the base pay he receives, he gets untaxed income for a place to live, food to eat, uniforms, certain other pay and allowances. He knew he had this set of children to support, yet he made four more. By law, the children here were supposed to come first.

As for our adult daughter, she has already made one child that we know. She has a bachelor degree, yet works in retail. 

My husband and I have thought about going to court through a private attorney and collecting what is due us. Even if we can't bleed a turnip, it would be a hoot to watch the bio parents' wages being garnisheed one dollar at time. We're still exploring the details, looking for an attorney with a pair, so to speak, who would actually take on these bozos and the courts.


But the welfare system gives little help, if any, to grandparents who do not insist that it do so, and even then, it isn't much. It's time for legislators to stop our present system of welfare, and with it, the urine tests, the vouchers, the robbing Peter to pay Paulette.