The $613 Vacation #2- Fun Center

It seems every community of 2,000 in Illinois has some sort of for-profit center where, for a price, families can engage in various amusements. Our community is no exception; in fact, there are three within a 5-mile radius.

For purposes of convenience as well as tasty vittles, we chose Luigi's. The other two centers offer such amusements as roller skating, bowling, and go-carts. The Mister and I were simply not in the mood to participate in any physical activity that day.

The kids, however, enjoyed arcade games of a wide stripe. Luigi's offers a varied assortment, from Whack-A-Mole to Skeeball. We were able to offer the children the opportunity to place many tokens on their machine keys, over $25 each. This was unprecedented in our family! We have been bribed up to $10, but never $25 each. That's a lot of arcade and video games, 100 attempts.

Frankly, my husband and I went to Luigi's to eat pizza and drink beer in the afternoon. We split a pitcher of MGD. We haven't drunk beer in years, and we haven't drunk anything remotely alcoholic in the afternoon in decades. We were only observed by counselors from the local park district, no doubt jealous that we could imbibe while their duties to their 50 or so charges left them without such an alternative.

Total cost for our weekday afternoon of relaxation: $132.

The $613 Vacation- Getting To Yes

Perhaps clarification is in order. When I say we are not headed to the nearest theme park, I mean just that, no theme park, Dante-themed or otherwise.

We fully intend to spend the money we budgeted for the theme park. We just don't intend to spend it at the theme park.

It took a family meeting that bordered on sales pitch for some of the snazzier clients I have had, and a better Dog 'n Pony Show, to eliminate Three Circles Over Hades.

The kids love the Internet. It is something we only let them use once or twice a week, or to work on school projects, with a fully running net nanny. I loaded a doc which featured linked logos and photographs in text boxes (easily moved about the page). The links included URLs for local tourist places, movies, sports events not involving baseball, and museums.

I then got out a dry marker and the white board. "Kids, how much does it cost to go to Three Circles Over Hades?" I inquired.

The eldest thought of an answer. "Nothing. We get our tickets free at school." Aha! Just the answer I wanted. They were amazed that yes indeed, the old folks needed money to enter Hades, and then there was all that money for other things. I tallied it all up right there. It was an astounding $507.

The eldest was now spokesperson. "But what about our money for chores, and our behavior bucks?"

We don't give this set of kids an allowance, in the sense that they receive a set amount of family cash simply for existence. They have a chore chart. Some things, such as bed making and washing oneself out of the bathtub, are gratis. Other chores, from folding laundry to taking out garbage, come with a price tag. No workie, no money, and it better be done with a civil attitude or no money anyway, but the Mister and I still get the work done. 10 percent of this income is given to charity, 50 percent is saved in a savings account, and the rest the child can use to his or her choice.

The second source of child income in our household is behavior bucks. Call it Negative Motivation. Call it Incentive Behavior. The Mister and I are over 50. We don't want to mess with physical restrictions, corporal punishments, and all the parenting angles younger people seem to have energy to perform, unless it is absolutely necessary; very often, it is not.

The premise is simple. Every month, we do something together as a family. An amount of money is set aside in the family budget every month. How the children behave determines what happens when it is time for the monthly family activity on which said money is spent. Some months, the family activity can be as rich as the movies with popcorn and restaurant lunch. There are also months where the family activity is Pay Per View rated G, or even just board games.

The kids used to have mason jars, which into each was deposited toy money bearing the value of the set amount per child. Tell a lie to get out of work? One behavior buck lost, and a talk on lies. Most childish misbehaviors lose a buck. Fighting of any form within the friendly confines of the house earns the loss of a whopping 2 behavior bucks, and going to one's room for the rest of the day. Needless to say, the rooms are no entertainment centers, and lack TVs, computers, Wii and even books barring the Bible and prayer books.

However, the behavior bucks were not portable, and sometimes the old gal forgot. The "bucks" are now values on a punch ticket. It is extremely pleasurable to grunt in public, "I'm gonna punch your ticket" and have younger parents look aghast, only for me to whip out the hole puncher and the tickets.

Taking into account behavior bucks earned for April through August meant we raised the stakes to $613 (we really did plan to go to Hades, and it was the children's idea to save the behavior bucks).

While I sold all the wonderful places we could go, I could see the girl child's eyes light. I know she is the one who hates Three Circles Over Hades the most. She is very bright, and was calculating in her head just how much $613 could buy of a summer.

It was the eldest who was yet unsold. "But I worked hard to earn that pass!" Did you really, Pet? A quick tally of the old dry marker showed that indeed, the eldest was also involved with earning a good grade in Reading, a coupon for an individual pan pizza, and a ticket to the minor league ball park, all at the same time, by reading 30 minutes an evening. Hardly the effort imagined.

It was at that point I urged them to the computers. They clicked the links of their choices, and were transported to some 12, count 'em, twelve places and activities within the greater Chicago metropolitan area. They were all in.

I have yet to figure out what we will do with the Hades passes. They are allegedly nontransferable, and the kids' names are on the back. Perhaps I'll stick them in their baby books (advantage of being Grandma AND Mom- You latch onto the baby books early). As long as we adults do not have to swelter in Hades, I will be satisfied.

The $613 Vacation - Why

$613. It doesn't sound like much. It really isn't much. But it's how much we have for a local vacation activities this year.

During the school year, our kids earn a day pass from the local theme park, Three Circles Over Hades. They do this by reading for 6 hours. It is not a strenuous proposition, considering the eldest is supposed to read 30 minutes a day as part of homework. They also earn a coupon for an individual pan pizza from a leading pizza chain, based on their individual teacher's requirements. They also earn a pass to the local minor league baseball team's "INSERT NAME OF SCHOOL HERE" Night. For making As and Bs or the equivalent, there is the major baseball league's INSERT NAME OF SCHOOL HERE" day, with the child's name flashed upon the Jumbotron.

The problem is not children earning something by studious actions. The problem is the sad fact that while the child earns a pass, the parent does not.

Take the pizza chain. The kid gets an individual pizza. The kid does not get a drink, not even a small one. Water is no longer free. The coupon states the child must order in the restaurant, no take-outs, no drive-thrus. This means at least one parent must accompany the child. Any other child who earns a pizza certificate also gets an individual pan pizza- no drink. Who is going to sit there and watch the children who earned this consume it, while dining himself? What started out as "It's absolutely free" becomes "That'll be $32.78 plus tip".

The minor ballgame produces the same problem of the parental ticket, plus interest in the game. A child under the age of 10 has a rough way to go to sit for an entire nine-inning game. Baseball in itself is no longer the key interest. Between every single man at bat, it seems, there is a number called from the scorecard. T-shirts are shot out of canons into the audience. People, adults and kids, are called down to run the bases. What could have been an enjoyable Saturday afternoon winds into a four hour pile of ads, gimmicks, and giveaways. Combined with parking, the extra ticket and food purchases, it is a waste of a good afternoon. The only difference between the minor league and major league park is things are more expensive at the major league park, and the major league team's park is in an area where people should not go without an armed escort.

But the absolute worst of the inducements earned by young students is Three Circles Over Hades (like that Dante theme). A child's day pass currently runs $35 or so. Not so an adult day pass, which runs $35 before July 11, and for the rest of the season cost $55. Two adults, as in two parents, cost $110, unless a couple can meet the stringent requirements to qualify for something cheaper. The parental jobs usually take precedence over Three Circles.

There is no point in not buying the keys to successfully maneuvering Three Circles Over Hades, the front parking pass and the line jumper pass. Unless one wishes to re-enact Moses' trip through the Sinai with some very crabby substitute Hebrews, get the parking pass. The lot is hotter than any desert, and twice as humid from the engines of the cars as well as the spots of blacktop (Watch your head for the seagulls, who think they are skimming water). Just to park the family bus cost $15, so go ahead and ante up the additional $10 to park as closely to the gate as possible. The line jumper pass will mean you still have to wait behind the other line jumpers, but not nearly as long as those who decided the option to wait was a waste of money or simply wouldn't do anything. $156, please, paid by the number in one's party.

One can dine on one's own cuisine in the Three Circles' spacious and blistering parking lot. Some people bring a picnic lunch to enjoy on the hot asphalt and burning gravel. It's against the rules to bring food and beverage from the outside world into Three Circles. Ticket holders are wanded and frisked, so even chewing gum is suspect. Expect to pay 3-4 times the cost of the restaurants just outside the Three Circles' gates. Do not expect children to be content to simply have a drink out of the water fountain, not that most parents would allow them to use the water fountain. The buffet of boxed mashed potatoes, smoked butt passing as ham, dry chicken, lettuce, and postage stamp cake pieces starts at $18 per person, drinks extra. There is a drink canister that can be refilled for $1.50. The canister cost $15.

We will not discuss the souvenirs, except to mention they took everything the kids earned in allowance as well as budgeted "fun" money.

But the real reason for not going to Three Circles Over Hades is the sad fact that these children we have do not like amusement park rides. They shudder at the mere mention of the names of certain roller coasters. They refuse to even consider the "tea cup" style rides. Last year, the eldest barely met the height requirements to enter the area really designed for kids under six. We spent over $350 to sit in what amounted to preschooler paradise for three hours, then eat lousy food and buy expensive gedunk and junk. We also rode one real ride each, and drove the faux antique track cars. It was hot, sticky, and filled with adults also on their last nerve.

This year, two children will be too tall to stay in the safety of the shaded airplanes and elephants. They are not short in any event, and seem to have acquired a tall gene from someplace. We are feeling way too old and way too impatient to attempt it this year. Hades will have to do without us.