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If you think this is about YOU, maybe you should go reconcile with your parent and work to get back your kids instead of continuing to be a jerk. If you think I am you, or similar to you, welcome! :-)

Friday, May 20, 2011

So I have to wonder...What to do, what to do...Nothing? Maybe.

When other grandparents contact me, usually under the cloak of anonymity, I give advice as best I can. I know how to handle taking documenting photographs, when to contact child protective services, and how to handle an obnoxious, drunken or drugged adult child at the front door. 

I do not know what to do about a blog my adult daughter has written. 

I want to hide it under anonymity, because what it states is patently not true. I know she is entitled to her opinion, but the entries are so far-fetched! I am so very much ashamed that she could carry on like that about us. And it is obvious to people who know us IRL that, indeed, our eldest is the blog's author. There is her photo for all to see.
The gist of her blog:
  • She can make more children, has in fact made another child, and none of them will ever be allowed to see the Mister or me. This child is, of course, better than the other children she previously created, a perfect child, the light of her life, and does not hate her, which she knows her other children do.
  • She and her several-year boyfriend are married, but then they are not. Their collective Facebook pages has them both as engaged, so who knows.
  • We didn't give her sufficient love as she was growing up, but more importantly, we won't give her any more money. This is the reason she can't work in her chosen field of paralegal, despite holding a Bachelor of Science. She has to work in stock replenishment for a major retailer because we didn't love her enough, and won't give her any more money.
  • She is not an alcoholic, and has no condition such as bipolar disorder. She knows this because she is allegedly afraid of alcohol, and because she doesn't feel any different than anybody else, no matter what the doctor says.
  • She can take a day off whenever she feels like it, even if she has a child to support, unlike when I was in her life, as I allegedly physically forced her go to work every day she was scheduled. She in fact took a week off with her boyfriend/husband's permission, and nobody told her she was irresponsible.
  • She has a new mother, loads of new siblings, and they all care about her, so she doesn't need us.
  • The whole broken relationship is my fault for expecting too much, not giving enough, and stealing her children. The new twist is the Mister is also to blame for not "reigning" (her usage) me in.

All I can say is that we have the corroborating evidence to the contrary. We have photos of her old residence; for that matter, we have photos of her last residence, courtesy of the owners' realtor. We have the testimony of more than 5 professionals, including a psychologist renown for his honest and unbiased opinions on family situations, several certified teachers, and a day care franchise.

As far as the child currently in her custody, I don't know that child, except the age is under two years. So if we can't help him or her, he or she will either be raised by our adult daughter, or become a ward of the state. Perhaps a relative of the father will step up, if necessary. We pray every night that she doesn't threaten to kill him or her the way she did the kids we adopted. But there is largely nothing we can do for him or her.

No matter her status, we do love our eldest. We simply can't communicate to her that unless she makes some sort of effort toward getting the help she needs, she will not see the children here. She obviously hasn't hit the point where she sees the need for assistance.

The Mister and I have brainstormed to try to put a stop to her blog. Our ideas are not fabulous. 

We thought about using a web site we own to post PDFs and JPGs of all the evidence we've collected over time. This really seems like a last resort effort, something to keep in our safety deposit box unless we really need it. It's certainly dramatic, but this stuff is better reserved for the privacy of court, if necessary.

The Mister and I have discussed privately suing her and our ex-son-in-law for the support they didn't pay for their children for the 2-plus years we were their guardians. This is a direct support amount, not a determination of a court based upon net wages, then the number of children determining a percentage of income. Grandparents and guardians are not responsible for the finances invoked in raising grandchildren or wards. Parents are responsible for supporting their children.

We once tried to get our local child support collection agency to collect, before the adoption was final. FHS did not know what to do, started the case, then promptly dropped it when they found the adoption was final. This was two years after we started the case. ILSDU refused to honor a previous child support order because the support would be paid to our eldest, and as we were told, it was really none of our business. The county state's attorney said even though we were legally the guardians of indigent children, he wouldn't open a case, but we should pursue it privately; after all, we had the children.

We know neither of the parties have what is known as deep pockets. The ex-son-in-law has been very quiet, and made a new life for himself. We would hate to disturb him in his new life with his new wife and his many other children, even though the kids here have precedence. There would be a certain justice in having a judgment hanging over our daughter's head, having her wages garnisheed $1 at a time if need be.

But, nobody here really wants to get geared up right now. Yes, her blog angers us. Yes, her blog hurts us. But, we have the better end of the deal. 

We know we can't save the world.

The fact is, sooner or later our eldest will either get her act together, or she will really falter. We hope for the former, and prepare for the latter. 

So, sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing...Although it is awfully tempting...         

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