You'll never get it. Or will you?

If you are an adult child whose parent or parents wrested custody from you, and you still don't see why it happened, here's a news flash: Maybe you never will get it. 

No matter what you say, it would be hard to convince me that one or both of your parents simply wanted to keep your children from you, that you were a great parent; but they wanted the children so much, they made up lies about you, spent untold thousands of dollars on private investigators, attorneys, guardian ad litems, psychologists, physicians, social workers and court costs, simply to aggravate you and take the grandchildren because they liked them. In the alternative, I'm not so sure they sat for hour upon hour upon hour in public child support offices and human services, getting the ear of every case worker in your state, until the entire state was against you. I'm sure you also believe they paid off your apartment manager or landlord, your boss and co-workers, your children's care givers and teachers, all to say bad things about you. I also find it difficult to determine if they are, in fact, poisoning your children's minds against you, destroying your children's self-esteem, and destroyed your public reputation. 

If the child support system yanks money from your paycheck, could it be because you owe support to your children? If your children act shy or cold if you see them, could it be because you haven't seen them for quite some time, and they aren't exactly thrilled to see you because of what you did sometime in their lives?  If you choose between other expenses and a visitation supervisor, don't be surprised when those kids don't want to have much to do with you. I don't want to hear about your "powerful need to eat" as rice and beans makes a very nice complete protein.

I've interviewed more than a couple adult children who were raised by their grandparents. Contrary to what you've told me, they dearly love their grandparents who raised them. Their grandparents didn't have time or energy to make them hate you. You did that on your own. If they love their grandparents for putting a roof over their heads, for making sure they had an education, clothes, food, a relationship with God, stability of knowing what the next day would bring without the fears you fostered in them- Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

The schools, the various churches, television, all those teach where babies come from. Little children in Kindergarten have a rough idea how babies are made. By the fifth grade, there's an understanding of the fundamentals. Could you simply have kept your private parts private until you were ready to commit to one person in a marriage? Apparently not. So, you have no excuse. If you made more children after the set being raised by your parents, most states see your financial obligation to the first set first. They figure after making the first set of children, you might have gotten an inkling finally about the stork and the cabbage patch.

You will always have excuses. Excuses make it easier for you to lie to yourself. It's a lot easier to believe that it's somebody else's fault than your own. You can spend your life making excuses for yourself, your behavior, your circumstances. You are probably over 18, and you can do as you please.

Excuses won't bring your children back to you. An education, a job that can support children, some parenting skills, stopping drinking or drugging if you do, taking meds if you need them, living in one place for more than six months, getting the skills necessary to parent- That's what will bring your children home to you, should you have the opportunity.

If you've already blown that chance, and your parents have permanent custody or have legally adopted your children, well, you could still have some contact with your kids. But you'll have to earn it, and it will be harder for you. 

Have you ever thought of first apologizing to your parent or parents, your in-law or in-laws? To your kids? Have you ever thought, instead of arrogant behavior, of obnoxious behavior, instead of accusations, instead of threats, instead of lies- You decide to instead investigate what you did wrong, and start attempting to make amends? Or do you wish to continue to lie and blame-place the rest of your life?

You are missing them growing up. You are missing important life moments.They will not be little children forever. You're missing big moments. You're missing first days of school, baptisms, first communions, bar and bat mitzvahs, confirmations, graduations from preschool/ kindergarten/ elementary school/ high school. If you keep on this way, you will miss college graduations, military pass-in-reviews, weddings, and the births of your grandchildren. 

You are missing all the little things that happen in a day. You are missing him walking to the store by himself, her first solo, the 100% spelling test, the home run (and the strike out), the first batch of homemade cookies, the trip to the pumpkin farm, the first swim lesson. You'll miss the trips to sleepover camp, to the store for skates (ice or roller), the day the training wheels come off, the missing teeth, the braces. If you keep on this way, you will miss your grandbaby dribbling food down his or her chin. Just as you couldn't put your children in a closet and walk away, don't expect your children to hold off on growing up. It will happen, with or without you.

Don't expect your parents to put aging on hold for you, either. They aren't getting any younger. You think your parents don't miss you. That's untrue. They don't miss whatever bad behavior you exhibited. They don't miss having to ask your permission to do right by your children. They don't miss having to decide to point out certain matters to you, or waiting for you to arrive. They don't miss long nights waiting for you to possibly come back after having dropped off the kids. But you- You are their child. Of course they miss you. They love you, or they might have just chucked your children off to a foster home. Don't think they don't notice how much your kids look like you, have little things they do that you used to do.

You accuse them of a lot of things, of not caring about you, of ruining your life, of ruining your self-esteem, of a variety of crimes. Let me ask you: How come a court, even if you signed away your parental rights, gave them custody? Do you think they simply were awarded the children, much as if the children were a prize? In most states, grandparents have to jump through hoops of varying sizes in order to establish they are mentally competent, healthy enough to withstand another set of kids, financially solvent, not criminals, not active alcoholics, not drug addicts. The Mister and I had a judge who wanted to take no chances on our adult child and the adult child's spouse reclaiming the grandkids, termination of parental rights or not.  We went through the complete battery of  tests and paperwork as if we were strangers to the children. We passed with flying colors, but it wasn't easy. I remember installing neutral carpet a half hour before the home inspection, simply because I was petrified the inspector wouldn't like my floor.

Yes, you might be able to see your children when they are adults. They might see you. Don't expect them to choose you over the people who raised them. Don't expect them to believe your story, your excuses. Don't expect them to give you the time of day.

The time to act is now. Happy Mother's Day.