Remember Tommy Jordan, who decided the best way to handle his daughter's laziness and Facebook whines was a good shot to the laptop? 

(It's a parody, folks. VULGARITY WARNING!)

WARNING: Mother's Day is fast approaching! Make plans now.

What I've been hearing from my anonymous, yet ever-present Grandma readership: They'd a like a day away. They aren't asking for vacations in the Caribbean, weekends in Vail, or even tickets on a cruise ship.  They would like to go to church with their families, and then take most of the afternoon and early evening to just be alone. ALONE. Hear that? ALONE. 

If you're a grandfather raising grandchildren with the love of your life, it's time to get organized. Ditto, adult children watching Mom take the helm on your siblings' kids. Let her skip the crowded brunch, even if it is your tradition. Do not force her into a party at her house, for which she will be responsible for the clean-up. The grandchildren can all give their gifts before or immediately after church. 

The smartest move, to my mind, is to give her a spa day, if you can at all afford it. They will feed Mom, pamper her, massage her, give her beauty treatments. This is a good move, if the grandkids and the Mister have to go back to the house for the day. It's also the most expensive proposition. 

If you have no fear that the adult child/ sibling who is the cause of your collective situation will be on Grandma's front doorstep, let Grandma go home alone, while Grandpa and/ or the aunties and uncles spend the day with the kids. Make sure she doesn't have to cook for herself, by sliding a special meal or two into the fridge. Does she like to read? Give her a couple of good books, and not self-help ones, either. Does she like movies? A DVD or two, and some munchies will be welcome. You can always have a supply of home spa supplies ready for her use.

Take the grandkids on a picnic. Bring along sports equipment. Have an extended family Frisbee, softball or baseball game. Swing on the swings. Go down the slide. If you can afford it, take them to an amusement park, a theme park, or even just the arcade. Suffer the little children unto brunch. Just don't bring them back at least until the sun starts to set over the yardarm.

Grandma and UTIs: Cranberry fields forever?

It isn't hard to figure out why a larger percentage of women of a certain age contract urinary tract infections more than men or younger women, or why women contract them more as a whole than men. 

Men have their plumbing on the outside. Women have their plumbing on the inside. Like a good house, these differences have their advantages and disadvantages. Outdoor plumbing tends to make for frozen pipes that aren't well insulated in the winter; on the other hand, pipes located in walls mean the plumber might have to send some strong chemicals down the drain, if he or she doesn't have to open a wall...if you know what I mean.

Then there's the Change, also known as Meno the Pause that Refreshes. Our hormonal output changes, and more and more of us are not able or don't want to have hormone replacement therapy.

Whatever the reasons, you know the sudden feelings. The burning sensation "down there" when it's time to tinkle. The itchiness that begs you to run to the bathroom and scratch. The funky smell. Perhaps you even have an unexplained pain in the left side of your nether region. You're running an ever so tiny fever, 99, or is that 101.

If you have no compunctions about antibiotics, run, do not walk, to the doctor or urgent care of your choice. Once there, you will be asked to create a clean catch, that is, go to the restroom and fill a bottle with your urine without involving other parts of your body that could contaminate the urine. The health care provider will run a test stick through it, possibly look at it through a microscope, but the odds are in your favor that you indeed have a UTI. You'll then receive a prescription for Cipro, Monurol, maybe even Keflex. You'll get that filled, take it for 3 days to 2 weeks, again depending on your circumstances, with follow-up on a new clean catch. Good-bye UTI.

Perhaps you don't want to use antibiotics. I know some women hit 60 or so, and their body chemistries change in a big way, maybe even earlier than 60. They've been chowing on the hottest hot sauce and the stinkiest cheeses, and all of the sudden, their gut tells them NO in a big way! The bleu cheese they loved so much is now causing them to break out in hives. You never thought this would mean you are allergic to penicillin-style antibiotics. You know there are alternatives, but right now, you just don't feel like fooling with anything, but that burn and itch!

Maybe you got it treated, but now want to take on a little prevention. The UTI was certainly not a pleasant experience. You have kids to chase, and things to do, and just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean the furnace is out with the Mister. The UTI is gone, and you want it to stay gone.

Well then! Here's my usual disclaimer that I am in no way, shape or form a healthcare professional, just another grandmother. The advice I'm giving you is just that, free advice.Take it or leave it, as you will.

1. Rethink seriously that stop at urgent care or the doctor. You are worth it, particularly since you are the driving force behind a family once again. If you have Medicare, it's covered. If you have health insurance, it's covered. It's a co-pay and whatever plan you have for prescriptions. If you don't have either, it's about $150 tops with the exam, urine test and medication. There are alternatives to antibiotics. Some doctors with common sense will be aware of your situation, and offer alternatives. The doc might have samples of some drugs he or she can give you, instead of a prescription. Some doctors charge less for cash patients. Walgreens TakeCare and doctors who do business in Walmarts and Targets are very affordable.
2. OK, OK! I don't blame you. Anaphylatic shock is certainly not something I wish to experience. The trick here is to treat the symptoms as well as any future bacterial growth. You're going to be sort of out of commission for a couple days, as much as you can be. Get the heating pad or hot water bottle warmed up, as it will become your companion for the groin pain. Feet up, butt down! That's right. Hit the La-Z-Boy and become queen of the remote for a couple days. It's a good time for Grandma Appreciation Days. Let the older kids cook. Let the Mister supervise. You will feel better in a couple of days, enough to clean up whatever mess they made helping you.
3. You'll probably need pain medication of some sort. Do your allergies and other health issues permit you to take aspirin, ibuprofen? It can be a good idea to use the same pain and fever relief rotation used for kids. Take the prescribed dosage of acetaminophen, followed an hour later by aspirin or ibuprofen, followed in 3 hours from the first dose by acetaminophen, then an hour after that aspirin or ibuprofen.
4. It's been long-proven that the drink of choice during UTIs is cranberry juice, lots of it- for the first 48 hours, think about consuming 128 ounces or so. Yes, you will be sick of cranberry juice. Yes, your other meals may be replaced by cranberry juice. Taper down to 3 glasses per day the next 48 hours, then one glass a day, every day.
5. There is a commercial product called Cystex. It cost about $10-15 a bottle retail. Walgreens, Walmart and Target carry it. If I was going to treat my own UTI, I would, in addition to the fountain of cranberry juice I suggested, take 1 tablespoon of Cystex three times a day; morning, afternoon and before bed, for a week. I would then cut it down to one in the morning and one in the afternoon for a week. I would finally cut it to either first thing in the morning or right before bed for at least two more weeks. WARNING: I've heard Cystex can make your urine smell unpleasantly sweet, especially as you're flushing the toxins out of your system. 
6. Don't like cranberry juice? Tired of cranberry juice? Try pineapple juice, unsweetened. Eat blueberries. Eat pineapple. Eat or drink anything containing capsaicin if your system can handle it: jalapenos, Serranos, cubanels, picante, Rotel, cayenne tea (1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in 6 ounces of hot water). The capsaicin has the added bonus of being a pain reliever.
7. I've heard that some doctors recommend anywhere from 1,000 to 5,000 units of vitamin C daily for women in our age group with recurring UTIs. I'd go slowly on that one, and get the chewable or gummy candy variety. Vitamin C does a lot of good things for the body, but only you know your tolerance, and moderation is the key. We're talking ascorbic acid here. I'd start out with 1,000 units, spread out over the day, and work up another 500 units every couple of days, noting stomach irritation, rashes, hives, etc., not going over 5,000 units. I personally take 2,000 units a day. There is also a granular form of ascorbic acid, used in pickling and candy making, purchasable in shops that carry bulk spices and the like. A lot of people use it for their cats who have urinary problems, sprinkling it into the cats' food. I'd go lightly, but if it works for the cats, it might work in your oatmeal or beef stew.
8. Water. You need lots of it, at least 24 ounces a day, every day, from now on. Other juices are not a good idea at this time, other than cranberry and pineapple. Soda pop is not a good idea for a lot of reasons, including the chemicals in it can play havoc with heart medication, if you take any; the carbonation can cause stomach upset instead of relief in our age group. Sugar pop or juice, the sugar is just not a good idea. Avoid caffeine if you can; if especially sensitive, watch out for chocolate, even chocolate covered cranberries or pineapple. It can cause spasms in the urethra, the place where the urine comes out. Measure the water and keep tabs on it. Two plastic, prefilled, 16.9 ounce bottles of water should keep things flowing in a good direction for you, 3 bottles even better. If you don't like buying bottled water, get a dieter's cup with straw and lid at any good drug store, fill it with ice and water, and make sure you drain it into yourself before bed. Be sure to wash it daily in warm, soapy water, rinsing well, or run it through the dish washer on the top rack.
9. Avoid sugar. If you've already been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, this is a given. If you have not, avoid sugar right now. Don't forget, starch converts to sugar. So, for the duration of the UTI, avoid cookies, crackers, cake, potatoes, snack foods, gravies made with flour, etc. Read labels, and see how much starch is really in the foods you're eating right now.
10. A UTI does not go away in a couple of days. If you went to the doctor and received a prescription for meds, continue to take them even after you start to feel better. Don't think taking the pills for a day, then saving the rest of the pills for later, whenever later comes, is going to make things better in the long run. If you're going the other route, expect to continue treatment for a month or so, and to enact habits to keep another UTI from occurring any time soon.

Thoughts About Earth Week and The Past that Was

I've heard too often from various factions, in this country and others, how we are ruining the earth. The thought prevails that Humankind should go back to a kinder era, an agrarian state, where people didn't get fat because there was no junk food, where horse-drawn vehicles ruled the roads,where the air was clean and children could go out as they pleased, without inhalers. If only we would go back to washboards, home-grown foods without GMO and all be vegans on organic vegetables, live in homes without electricity, oh! How the Earth would thank us, and let us live in harmony for a millennium, at the very least! 

I believe in conservationism, in taking care of what we've been given by God. I don't believe in abuse of the earth.

But those who propose we give up all vestiges of modern and post-modern life, and all will be well with the world, have some other things coming. Consider 112 years ago or so.

• There was no Internet, or personal computers. The closet thing was a card-read machine used to count heads during the census. There were no cell  phones. Telephones in the private home were still a luxury. People communicated by letter, or in time of emergency, by telegram.Say what you will about the politicians whom you feel do not represent you. You can keep better tabs on them, and on your spouse and children as well, today. 
• If you think politicians today are corrupt, consider Tammany Hall.
• Electricity in the home was still a novelty. Natural gas and oil were used to light lamps, along with candles. That meant there was always a chance of fire, as fire was always the light. Ever seen the soot on a gas or oil lamp chimney? Why yes, that's pollution. 
• No TV. No radio.  Yes, there were books, and plays in the cities. Out in the country, your chances of actually seeing a play were zip unless there was a little theater group, or a traveling troupe.
• The horse-drawn carriage deposited horse feces on streets and roads alike. Yes, people scooped it up for organic fertilizer. Flies loved it as well, and mosquitoes, and other insects who spread disease. 
• Want to get rid of your waste? Dump it in the river. Everybody, from the housewife to the big factory, dumped in the river. So much for the clean, flowing waters. Welcome, dysentery and typhoid.
• Fresh air funds to get children out of the cities were started because these city kids spent their days breathing in what amounted to factory smog, getting underfoot when horse-drawn vehicles delivered their wares. It was worse in the summer, but no picnic in the winter. Inhalers didn't exist. Just how many children died of asthma we will never know, but a great many died of what was then called consumption. Consumption covered a large number of lung problems and diseases, including but not limited to tuberculosis, asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia. And a large wagon drawn by huge horses will kill a child. It wasn't neglect. There was no cure at the time, except to get the person to another, milder climate. Work was where the jobs were, and losing a child to illness was not unusual.
•  Speaking of life expectancy- Don't bother saving for retirement. You wouldn't be retiring. You'd be lucky to see 40 if you were male, and even less if you were female. 
• The reason less people were fat: The majority did physical labor, all day long. Children walked to school, if they went, even if it was miles away, and came home the same way. Mother worked her fingers to the bone. Vacuum cleaners couldn't work if you didn't have electricity in your house. Even washing machines required physical assistance. Don't blame junk food. It's only one source of a possible problem. Check out the lack of exercise. In 1900, girth and expanse were considered a sign of wealth and well-being. If you were overweight, you obviously had money, because you couldn't be performing manual labor. 

As for me, I am celebrating Technology Progress and Common Sense Conservation Week. I started my revels by washing all the family's clothes in hot water, heated in a 60-gallon electric heater, using modern-day detergents.

It Pays to Have a Lot of Towels!!!

Remember the expensive towels our eldest said she won at work, but she charged, when her kids didn't have nutritious food and a lot of other things supplied by her? They were once again put to good use. The basement took on water, not a flood, but a steady trickle. Although they are not quite the cream-tinted beauties they once were, they are still very, very absorbent.

Combined with our old beach towels, an emergency pump, and some fans, the basement is now pretty dry.

As the folks at Chasing4Life say, weather is bigger nowadays. Think smarter. Stay safe this weekend. And start saving old towels!

SuperGram!

If SuperMom is super-charged by the role she thinks Society has foist upon her, SuperGram is driven by guilt. Whether she was once a SuperMom herself, or not, she sees SuperMom's lifestyle and blames herself. Older people can see the big picture. SuperGram knows her daughter or daughter-in-law is headed for a nervous breakdown, a drinking problem, a divorce or any combinations of those. SuperGram can see that her son-in-law or son is leading his own life, as well, perhaps even being SuperDad. And SuperGram knows that the kid isn't getting any regular attention from the two people who should be giving it, his or her parents. Instead, the kid is a member of every tribe and team in the area, but a boarder in his or her own family. 

SuperGram knows she is regulated to being a second-string player in the child's life, at best. The one time she tried to broach the subject with SuperMom, calmly, over lunch of course, SuperMom blew into a rage and fury. How dare SuperGram question SuperMom's child-rearing techniques? SuperMom was not neglectful of this child! Didn't the child have an adult present, 24/7? Didn't the child have a cell phone with GPS tracking? had SuperMom and her husband created any other children to compete with this child? Didn't the child have a standing hair appointment every two weeks? SuperGram, like her mother before her, was hopelessly out-of-date on how to successfully raise children! Really! And SuperGram had to pick up the lunch tab after that tirade, as an added insult. 

SuperGram also once tried to broach the subject of sound finances, how that much debt to keep the SuperMom lifestyle going could come back to bite SuperMom in the butt, but that, too, met with strong resistance and even a little retaliation. SuperGram and Gramps were not invited to the kid's birthday party that year. They talked about just showing up, large present in hand, but if SuperMom didn't invite them, perhaps they shouldn't. So, they didn't, mailing the child several gift cards instead.

So, SuperGram gets to see her only grandchild on Christmas (or the first evening of Hanukkah), on Easter (or at the Seder), and on the child's birthday, unless otherwise called into action. SuperGram lives to be called off the bench and back into the scrimmage!

This doesn't always mean it's convenient to SuperGram. She, too, has a life of her own. She's been told that being over 50 doesn't mean she should be unproductive! The other SuperGrams retired at 50, and now lead meaningful lives of volunteer work for Society (with a capital S). SuperGram felt compelled to do the same. She also knows that now that she's raised her family, making contact with Gramps on more than a monosyllabic level is necessary. Some of the other SuperGrams divorced their husbands back when their SuperMoms started college, and took up with men younger than themselves, much younger. Cougars, those SuperGrams are called. But SuperGram has always loved Gramps, and wants to spend time with him. They like to take an evening stroll, and are planning some trips together.

But SuperMom is on the phone, calling SuperGram to action! That weekend to see the ocean will have to wait. SuperGram is needed to chauffeur the kid! 

It seems there's been a little altercation with the mom who usually is so willing to take other children to the gymnastic meet/ traveling football game/ art tour meet-up. This woman has decided she can no longer take other children in her car. Seems the kid pitched a wing-ding and called the other mom names, then popped her eldest in the mouth after removing his/ her seat-belt in a moving vehicle. But he's/ she's only a child after all! Kids have a way of working these things out, and who knows what the other mom's kids did to provoke her darling. SuperMom offered to pay her, but she said no amount of money could get her to take that kid again, after the last three incidents. 

So SuperGram tells Gramps the trip will have to wait, and does he want to come with her. Of course he does! And off they go at SuperMom's bidding, to become the grandchild's keeper for the weekend. If they're really lucky, maybe SuperMom will let the kid stay overnight- as long as they agree not to take him or her to church, or feed him anything of which SuperMom disapproves, or correct the child in any fashion when he or she is wrong.The reservation they made for a cute little bed 'n breakfast and the quaint lobster bistro on the shore will be canceled with the attending fees.

SuperMom has requested this type of assistance before today. It once cost the grandparents quite a pretty penny to cancel lessons on how to use a snowmobile. SuperMom never bothered to reimburse them, but after all, she is their daughter, and this is their grandchild who needs them!

SuperMom!

I thought younger women had more sense. I was wrong. In addition to the bumper crop of Lulabelles out there- a minority to be sure but still enough of them for grandparents who raise the resulting children to have blogs and boards- SuperMoms are rising out of cabbage patches everywhere, and with them, SuperGrams.

You remember SuperMom from the 1980s, if you were alive in the 1980s. SuperMom was based on the dream of NOW, men who didn't want to be the sole breadwinners; and parents taken with the novelty of girls being exactly the same as boys, but couldn't quite reconcile themselves to dressing their daughters as junior construction men. The concept thrust young women into a mold they couldn't possibly accomplish without having something give way.

SuperMom kept an immaculate house. SuperMom had one-to-two super children, who went to every extracurricular activity imaginable, and excelled in them all. Naturally, they were perfectly groomed and got all As in school. SuperMom had a full time job, and that job was fulfilling, and wonderful, and made a LOT of money for the family. This meant SuperMom could be dressed in the latest fashion, take the family on frequent vacations to exotic places, and still have time to be a sex kitten to the Mister. Nobody was turned down by SuperMom. Charities, extra work at the office, PTA, kids' sports: They all received SuperMom's attention. This did not stop SuperMom from shopping, saving the family money, cooking gourmet meals that the kids and the Mister alike devoured with ecstasy.

This is why I thought SuperMom was long gone. Even those who filled the mold of SuperMom perfectly got tired of being the only to clean the house, when not even the once-a-week maid was doing it enough to make a difference. Meals became so iffy that kids thought they should be given a kiddy menu at the family table and started coloring on the tablecloth. SuperMom was tired, too tired for marital relations, too tired to get together coupons to shop, and fell asleep at the table for ten for the charity fund raiser she personally planned- before the first course. 

And those who had more than two kids, who had no husbands, who had no glamor jobs, who barely had time for a cup of coffee and ate dry cereal out of a plastic bag for breakfast? They figured it out first. Some of them saw a stream of income in the SuperMom. They created cleaning companies, online administrative assistant concerns, even errand services. The rest got part time jobs, telecommuted or quit all together, figured out how make choices, and became much happier. 

But SuperMom is making a resurgence, and following on her heels is SuperGram. 

SuperMom has ONE child this time. Any more is an alleged detriment to the first child, SuperMom, her husband and Society (with a capital S). As before, SuperMom's employment must be glamorous, must pay lots of money, and must make her dress in the height of business casual fashion. Even if her job is not glamorous, she must pretend it is and make everybody think it is. 

SuperMom no longer has to clean her own home, thanks to the smart cookies who created maid services. SuperMom no longer cooks, unless it is her hobby or a weekend barbeque (then she makes the salad and the Mister grills). Her child thinks food comes out of a drive-through window, or she has a personal chef who makes up a batch of meals for the week. The lawn and the outer environs are tended by a variety of immigrants, who aren't too expensive and use heavy equipment.

Everybody in the family has his or her own schedule, and with it their own agenda. Why not? After all, SuperMom works hard, often harder than her husband, and frequently makes more. 

The single kid has a life filled with school, school activities after school, afterschool care, homework, scouts, baseball, basketball, football, traveling teams, cheer, dance. The kid has a standing hair appointment at Kiddee Klippers, and if the kid is a girl, add a mani/ pedi session. This is not older kids, this is all kids, from preschool up. The kid gets up, gets dressed, and is often whisked to school for breakfast, and doesn't make it home until bedtime or later. SuperMom can't make it, Dad can't make it? No problem. The daycare center offers bus service, and somebody invented ToddlerTaxi and the like. Car pools are arranged before the first planning meeting of any activity.  The drivers have been screened for prior child predator activity. The children all have cell phones, and with the cell phones, GPS tracking. SuperMom feels her child is safe out there in the world.

What about the stress that drove SuperMom to eschew this lifestyle in the first place? Why there's the weekend! SuperMom works hard all week. She is entitled to her weekend. After all, there are NotSuperMoms who can be coerced into toting the child to various activities and plans. Dad has his golf, his pick-up basketball game with his buddies, his poker game, race track seat, baseball box. SuperMom is spending the weekend with the other SuperMoms. They need facials, and mani/ pedis. They need to lunch. They need to go to the gym, and might even exercise. They need to attend the Friday happy hour, the Saturday buffet with booze, the Sunday morning brunch with mimosas and bloody Marys, with their girls, and those aren't female children. These are not kid-friendly situations, sometimes not even husband-friendly situations. Of course, the child is successfully occupied with traveling teams, arts and crafts classes, and other myriad of activities.

What if the system fails? What if the mom with more than one kid gets tried of schlepping SuperMom's Precious all over the place? What if ToddlerTaxi doesn't make it, or doesn't work on the weekends? Will SuperMom miss her cocktail-driven relaxation? Will Dad miss his poker game?

Oh fear not! They don't like to call on her, because she's getting on (50+!). They don't like her politics, and she has that nasty religion habit that they can't seem to squeeze into a weekend. But she can be pressed into service with guilt and manipulation.

I give you- SuperGram!