Generalized!

Like the rest of you, I use the Internet for a variety of information. However, this eHow.com article made me angry!

http://www.ehow.com/info_12110705_advice-apologizing-estranged-adult-children.html

Pray tell, why does Ariel Waters assume it is the parent's fault? That adult child is in the right? 

Be careful what advice you take. Remember, your situation might have several factors that match a situation, but it is still UNIQUE to you. The use of drugs, irresponsible use of alcohol, neglect and/ or abuse of the grandchildren- These are all very good reasons for you to have taken steps to rescue your grandchildren. 

You know you're old when...

...No big message, no reports, no advice, just music from when we were young. Enjoy, middle-agers and seniors, enjoy!

Update on Naomi

The grandkids are fine, Naomi is fine, and she is now plenary guardian of both the children's guardian of the person and the estate. Her state is going after Lulabelle for child support, and is supplying Naomi with TANF in the interim. There is also a plan in place if Lulabelle should decide to return. It is exact yet fair. If Lulabelle doesn't come forth and complete the plan in one year, Naomi can adopt the children, should she choose to do so; however, Lulabelle will need a new plan.

That isn't a stretch of the imagination, as Lulabelle has not returned, and has no intention of returning to her children.  She did not come back for court. She has since changed phone numbers again.

Grandpa and his wife did see the children briefly at Easter. They are busy planning a trip and won't see the grandkids until after Memorial Day, if they have time. Naomi's son will be helping her with the kids this summer. He is looking toward finishing college somewhere closer to home.

You'll never get it. Or will you?

If you are an adult child whose parent or parents wrested custody from you, and you still don't see why it happened, here's a news flash: Maybe you never will get it. 

No matter what you say, it would be hard to convince me that one or both of your parents simply wanted to keep your children from you, that you were a great parent; but they wanted the children so much, they made up lies about you, spent untold thousands of dollars on private investigators, attorneys, guardian ad litems, psychologists, physicians, social workers and court costs, simply to aggravate you and take the grandchildren because they liked them. In the alternative, I'm not so sure they sat for hour upon hour upon hour in public child support offices and human services, getting the ear of every case worker in your state, until the entire state was against you. I'm sure you also believe they paid off your apartment manager or landlord, your boss and co-workers, your children's care givers and teachers, all to say bad things about you. I also find it difficult to determine if they are, in fact, poisoning your children's minds against you, destroying your children's self-esteem, and destroyed your public reputation. 

If the child support system yanks money from your paycheck, could it be because you owe support to your children? If your children act shy or cold if you see them, could it be because you haven't seen them for quite some time, and they aren't exactly thrilled to see you because of what you did sometime in their lives?  If you choose between other expenses and a visitation supervisor, don't be surprised when those kids don't want to have much to do with you. I don't want to hear about your "powerful need to eat" as rice and beans makes a very nice complete protein.

I've interviewed more than a couple adult children who were raised by their grandparents. Contrary to what you've told me, they dearly love their grandparents who raised them. Their grandparents didn't have time or energy to make them hate you. You did that on your own. If they love their grandparents for putting a roof over their heads, for making sure they had an education, clothes, food, a relationship with God, stability of knowing what the next day would bring without the fears you fostered in them- Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

The schools, the various churches, television, all those teach where babies come from. Little children in Kindergarten have a rough idea how babies are made. By the fifth grade, there's an understanding of the fundamentals. Could you simply have kept your private parts private until you were ready to commit to one person in a marriage? Apparently not. So, you have no excuse. If you made more children after the set being raised by your parents, most states see your financial obligation to the first set first. They figure after making the first set of children, you might have gotten an inkling finally about the stork and the cabbage patch.

You will always have excuses. Excuses make it easier for you to lie to yourself. It's a lot easier to believe that it's somebody else's fault than your own. You can spend your life making excuses for yourself, your behavior, your circumstances. You are probably over 18, and you can do as you please.

Excuses won't bring your children back to you. An education, a job that can support children, some parenting skills, stopping drinking or drugging if you do, taking meds if you need them, living in one place for more than six months, getting the skills necessary to parent- That's what will bring your children home to you, should you have the opportunity.

If you've already blown that chance, and your parents have permanent custody or have legally adopted your children, well, you could still have some contact with your kids. But you'll have to earn it, and it will be harder for you. 

Have you ever thought of first apologizing to your parent or parents, your in-law or in-laws? To your kids? Have you ever thought, instead of arrogant behavior, of obnoxious behavior, instead of accusations, instead of threats, instead of lies- You decide to instead investigate what you did wrong, and start attempting to make amends? Or do you wish to continue to lie and blame-place the rest of your life?

You are missing them growing up. You are missing important life moments.They will not be little children forever. You're missing big moments. You're missing first days of school, baptisms, first communions, bar and bat mitzvahs, confirmations, graduations from preschool/ kindergarten/ elementary school/ high school. If you keep on this way, you will miss college graduations, military pass-in-reviews, weddings, and the births of your grandchildren. 

You are missing all the little things that happen in a day. You are missing him walking to the store by himself, her first solo, the 100% spelling test, the home run (and the strike out), the first batch of homemade cookies, the trip to the pumpkin farm, the first swim lesson. You'll miss the trips to sleepover camp, to the store for skates (ice or roller), the day the training wheels come off, the missing teeth, the braces. If you keep on this way, you will miss your grandbaby dribbling food down his or her chin. Just as you couldn't put your children in a closet and walk away, don't expect your children to hold off on growing up. It will happen, with or without you.

Don't expect your parents to put aging on hold for you, either. They aren't getting any younger. You think your parents don't miss you. That's untrue. They don't miss whatever bad behavior you exhibited. They don't miss having to ask your permission to do right by your children. They don't miss having to decide to point out certain matters to you, or waiting for you to arrive. They don't miss long nights waiting for you to possibly come back after having dropped off the kids. But you- You are their child. Of course they miss you. They love you, or they might have just chucked your children off to a foster home. Don't think they don't notice how much your kids look like you, have little things they do that you used to do.

You accuse them of a lot of things, of not caring about you, of ruining your life, of ruining your self-esteem, of a variety of crimes. Let me ask you: How come a court, even if you signed away your parental rights, gave them custody? Do you think they simply were awarded the children, much as if the children were a prize? In most states, grandparents have to jump through hoops of varying sizes in order to establish they are mentally competent, healthy enough to withstand another set of kids, financially solvent, not criminals, not active alcoholics, not drug addicts. The Mister and I had a judge who wanted to take no chances on our adult child and the adult child's spouse reclaiming the grandkids, termination of parental rights or not.  We went through the complete battery of  tests and paperwork as if we were strangers to the children. We passed with flying colors, but it wasn't easy. I remember installing neutral carpet a half hour before the home inspection, simply because I was petrified the inspector wouldn't like my floor.

Yes, you might be able to see your children when they are adults. They might see you. Don't expect them to choose you over the people who raised them. Don't expect them to believe your story, your excuses. Don't expect them to give you the time of day.

The time to act is now. Happy Mother's Day.

Remember Tommy Jordan, who decided the best way to handle his daughter's laziness and Facebook whines was a good shot to the laptop? 

(It's a parody, folks. VULGARITY WARNING!)

WARNING: Mother's Day is fast approaching! Make plans now.

What I've been hearing from my anonymous, yet ever-present Grandma readership: They'd a like a day away. They aren't asking for vacations in the Caribbean, weekends in Vail, or even tickets on a cruise ship.  They would like to go to church with their families, and then take most of the afternoon and early evening to just be alone. ALONE. Hear that? ALONE. 

If you're a grandfather raising grandchildren with the love of your life, it's time to get organized. Ditto, adult children watching Mom take the helm on your siblings' kids. Let her skip the crowded brunch, even if it is your tradition. Do not force her into a party at her house, for which she will be responsible for the clean-up. The grandchildren can all give their gifts before or immediately after church. 

The smartest move, to my mind, is to give her a spa day, if you can at all afford it. They will feed Mom, pamper her, massage her, give her beauty treatments. This is a good move, if the grandkids and the Mister have to go back to the house for the day. It's also the most expensive proposition. 

If you have no fear that the adult child/ sibling who is the cause of your collective situation will be on Grandma's front doorstep, let Grandma go home alone, while Grandpa and/ or the aunties and uncles spend the day with the kids. Make sure she doesn't have to cook for herself, by sliding a special meal or two into the fridge. Does she like to read? Give her a couple of good books, and not self-help ones, either. Does she like movies? A DVD or two, and some munchies will be welcome. You can always have a supply of home spa supplies ready for her use.

Take the grandkids on a picnic. Bring along sports equipment. Have an extended family Frisbee, softball or baseball game. Swing on the swings. Go down the slide. If you can afford it, take them to an amusement park, a theme park, or even just the arcade. Suffer the little children unto brunch. Just don't bring them back at least until the sun starts to set over the yardarm.

Grandma and UTIs: Cranberry fields forever?

It isn't hard to figure out why a larger percentage of women of a certain age contract urinary tract infections more than men or younger women, or why women contract them more as a whole than men. 

Men have their plumbing on the outside. Women have their plumbing on the inside. Like a good house, these differences have their advantages and disadvantages. Outdoor plumbing tends to make for frozen pipes that aren't well insulated in the winter; on the other hand, pipes located in walls mean the plumber might have to send some strong chemicals down the drain, if he or she doesn't have to open a wall...if you know what I mean.

Then there's the Change, also known as Meno the Pause that Refreshes. Our hormonal output changes, and more and more of us are not able or don't want to have hormone replacement therapy.

Whatever the reasons, you know the sudden feelings. The burning sensation "down there" when it's time to tinkle. The itchiness that begs you to run to the bathroom and scratch. The funky smell. Perhaps you even have an unexplained pain in the left side of your nether region. You're running an ever so tiny fever, 99, or is that 101.

If you have no compunctions about antibiotics, run, do not walk, to the doctor or urgent care of your choice. Once there, you will be asked to create a clean catch, that is, go to the restroom and fill a bottle with your urine without involving other parts of your body that could contaminate the urine. The health care provider will run a test stick through it, possibly look at it through a microscope, but the odds are in your favor that you indeed have a UTI. You'll then receive a prescription for Cipro, Monurol, maybe even Keflex. You'll get that filled, take it for 3 days to 2 weeks, again depending on your circumstances, with follow-up on a new clean catch. Good-bye UTI.

Perhaps you don't want to use antibiotics. I know some women hit 60 or so, and their body chemistries change in a big way, maybe even earlier than 60. They've been chowing on the hottest hot sauce and the stinkiest cheeses, and all of the sudden, their gut tells them NO in a big way! The bleu cheese they loved so much is now causing them to break out in hives. You never thought this would mean you are allergic to penicillin-style antibiotics. You know there are alternatives, but right now, you just don't feel like fooling with anything, but that burn and itch!

Maybe you got it treated, but now want to take on a little prevention. The UTI was certainly not a pleasant experience. You have kids to chase, and things to do, and just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean the furnace is out with the Mister. The UTI is gone, and you want it to stay gone.

Well then! Here's my usual disclaimer that I am in no way, shape or form a healthcare professional, just another grandmother. The advice I'm giving you is just that, free advice.Take it or leave it, as you will.

1. Rethink seriously that stop at urgent care or the doctor. You are worth it, particularly since you are the driving force behind a family once again. If you have Medicare, it's covered. If you have health insurance, it's covered. It's a co-pay and whatever plan you have for prescriptions. If you don't have either, it's about $150 tops with the exam, urine test and medication. There are alternatives to antibiotics. Some doctors with common sense will be aware of your situation, and offer alternatives. The doc might have samples of some drugs he or she can give you, instead of a prescription. Some doctors charge less for cash patients. Walgreens TakeCare and doctors who do business in Walmarts and Targets are very affordable.
2. OK, OK! I don't blame you. Anaphylatic shock is certainly not something I wish to experience. The trick here is to treat the symptoms as well as any future bacterial growth. You're going to be sort of out of commission for a couple days, as much as you can be. Get the heating pad or hot water bottle warmed up, as it will become your companion for the groin pain. Feet up, butt down! That's right. Hit the La-Z-Boy and become queen of the remote for a couple days. It's a good time for Grandma Appreciation Days. Let the older kids cook. Let the Mister supervise. You will feel better in a couple of days, enough to clean up whatever mess they made helping you.
3. You'll probably need pain medication of some sort. Do your allergies and other health issues permit you to take aspirin, ibuprofen? It can be a good idea to use the same pain and fever relief rotation used for kids. Take the prescribed dosage of acetaminophen, followed an hour later by aspirin or ibuprofen, followed in 3 hours from the first dose by acetaminophen, then an hour after that aspirin or ibuprofen.
4. It's been long-proven that the drink of choice during UTIs is cranberry juice, lots of it- for the first 48 hours, think about consuming 128 ounces or so. Yes, you will be sick of cranberry juice. Yes, your other meals may be replaced by cranberry juice. Taper down to 3 glasses per day the next 48 hours, then one glass a day, every day.
5. There is a commercial product called Cystex. It cost about $10-15 a bottle retail. Walgreens, Walmart and Target carry it. If I was going to treat my own UTI, I would, in addition to the fountain of cranberry juice I suggested, take 1 tablespoon of Cystex three times a day; morning, afternoon and before bed, for a week. I would then cut it down to one in the morning and one in the afternoon for a week. I would finally cut it to either first thing in the morning or right before bed for at least two more weeks. WARNING: I've heard Cystex can make your urine smell unpleasantly sweet, especially as you're flushing the toxins out of your system. 
6. Don't like cranberry juice? Tired of cranberry juice? Try pineapple juice, unsweetened. Eat blueberries. Eat pineapple. Eat or drink anything containing capsaicin if your system can handle it: jalapenos, Serranos, cubanels, picante, Rotel, cayenne tea (1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper in 6 ounces of hot water). The capsaicin has the added bonus of being a pain reliever.
7. I've heard that some doctors recommend anywhere from 1,000 to 5,000 units of vitamin C daily for women in our age group with recurring UTIs. I'd go slowly on that one, and get the chewable or gummy candy variety. Vitamin C does a lot of good things for the body, but only you know your tolerance, and moderation is the key. We're talking ascorbic acid here. I'd start out with 1,000 units, spread out over the day, and work up another 500 units every couple of days, noting stomach irritation, rashes, hives, etc., not going over 5,000 units. I personally take 2,000 units a day. There is also a granular form of ascorbic acid, used in pickling and candy making, purchasable in shops that carry bulk spices and the like. A lot of people use it for their cats who have urinary problems, sprinkling it into the cats' food. I'd go lightly, but if it works for the cats, it might work in your oatmeal or beef stew.
8. Water. You need lots of it, at least 24 ounces a day, every day, from now on. Other juices are not a good idea at this time, other than cranberry and pineapple. Soda pop is not a good idea for a lot of reasons, including the chemicals in it can play havoc with heart medication, if you take any; the carbonation can cause stomach upset instead of relief in our age group. Sugar pop or juice, the sugar is just not a good idea. Avoid caffeine if you can; if especially sensitive, watch out for chocolate, even chocolate covered cranberries or pineapple. It can cause spasms in the urethra, the place where the urine comes out. Measure the water and keep tabs on it. Two plastic, prefilled, 16.9 ounce bottles of water should keep things flowing in a good direction for you, 3 bottles even better. If you don't like buying bottled water, get a dieter's cup with straw and lid at any good drug store, fill it with ice and water, and make sure you drain it into yourself before bed. Be sure to wash it daily in warm, soapy water, rinsing well, or run it through the dish washer on the top rack.
9. Avoid sugar. If you've already been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, this is a given. If you have not, avoid sugar right now. Don't forget, starch converts to sugar. So, for the duration of the UTI, avoid cookies, crackers, cake, potatoes, snack foods, gravies made with flour, etc. Read labels, and see how much starch is really in the foods you're eating right now.
10. A UTI does not go away in a couple of days. If you went to the doctor and received a prescription for meds, continue to take them even after you start to feel better. Don't think taking the pills for a day, then saving the rest of the pills for later, whenever later comes, is going to make things better in the long run. If you're going the other route, expect to continue treatment for a month or so, and to enact habits to keep another UTI from occurring any time soon.